Kadang2 memang aku benci dengan dia.
Bukan benci orangnya tapi perangainya. Macam tak serik2. Wahai Encik Agen Rumah. Saya harap awak akan nasihat suami saya cukup2 tentang hasrat dia yang tinggi menggunung untuk membeli rumah privet.
Hairan aku. Sedangkan CPF dia sendiri dah haus. Aku sorang2 yang finance rumah 5 bilik tu. Abih berangan nak beli condo? Siapa nak bayar cik abang oi, kalau tak bini cik abang yang sentiasa taat dan bodoh ni? Selama ni pun aku bagi dia dengar apa yang dia hendak dengar. Seperti?
Dia: You ok ke tak kita go ahead with these?
Aku: (dalam hati) kalau tak ok apa pulak? (aloud) OK
Padahal Tuhan je tau darah nanah dah membuak2 dalam hati ni. Tinggal nak kena muntahkan je. Tak tau bila.
Sebab aku buat perkara bodoh di atas? Kerana kalau aku kata "NOT OK", ceritanya nanti tak akan habis. Mula2 dia kata kenapa? Bila aku explain dia kata explanation aku tak bernas. Tu pun kalau dia bagi aku chance to explain. Kadang2 tak payah explain. Dia buat muka masam. Berhari2 dia merajok. Tu takpe, kalau dah merajok, anak2 aku jadi mangsa. Dia kalau marahkan aku, dia hampuk budak2 tu sekali. Kesian. Selalunya, kalau aku nak avoid this scene, aku akan iyakan je apa dia nak walaupun firasat, naluri perempuan ku kata "Beware!!....Danger!!..Ni Kerja Gila!!". Sebab aku nak dia bahagia. Bila dia happy, he will treat us nicely. Budak2 pun happy. And everybody pun happy. Aku lain. Happy di luar tapi nangis di dalam. All because aku tak nak dia marah2 kat aku and the kids.
Kenapa aku ni bodoh sangat? Ibarat lilin yang menerangi hidop orang lain tapi diri sendiri terbakar?
Incident? Apa incident2 yang berlaku yang mendorong aku tulis kat sini?
1) Dia punya Credit Card
Dulu masa blom kahwin/baru2 kahwin, dia ada apply credit card. Walaupun masa tu dia dapat durian runtuh 30K. Dia lupa yang dia cuma earn 30K pada tahun tu je. Tahun sebelum dan selepasnya dia tak akan earn more than that sebab dia hanya sekadar operator pengeluaran di kilang. Aku tak pernah menghina dia. Aku ikhlas kahwin dengan orang yang rajin, walaupun pelajaran dia tak tinggi. Aku tertarik dengan sikapnya yang penyayang. Aku benci dengan sikapnya yang lupa bila duit ada di genggaman.
Aku cuba nasihat. Dia tempelak balik kat aku. Dia kata dia boleh afford. Bank dah approve. Of course lah bank approve. Your income statement for that year is more than enough. Bank tak tau yang kau dah spend almost all the 30k. How stupid can you be? But no, you wouldn't listen to me. You go ahead. Bila you give me supplementary card and I decline, you said "Kau memang perempuan yang tak sedar untung". Aku masih ingat lagi kata2 ni walaupun 11 tahun dah berlalu.
Memang betol jangkaan ku. Dia tak dapat bayar balik hutang credit card. Dia suroh aku amik loan 10K tutop lobang ni. Tapi dia bukak lobang lain. In the end, mak dia bayarkan 16K for Citibank dan dia kena hampok cukup2 dengan mak dia. Tapi sayangnya, ada lagi credit card yang dia tak declare dengan mak dia, so kena mintak nasihat peguam/penasihat yang tolong settlekan crisis kita dengan bank berkenaan. Last2 pun aku kena bayar duit penasihat tu. Hutang dia dengan bank tu? Dari anak sulung aku umor 3 tahun sampailah kawan tu umor 9 tahun. Baru langsai semua. Dan aku masih lagi kena settlekan loan 10K aku. Siapa yang bodoh? Aku.
2) LGM
Ni lagi satu punya sial. Kita dua orang tengah jalan2 kat Orchard. Kena tahan orang conduct survey. Kena dudok dalam hall abih kena psycho beli rumah kat Austria. Kena bayar duit. Aku tak kisah. Member pakai 3K duit dia dari 30K durian runtuh dia tu. Tapi bulan2 kena bayar $300. Aku dah warning cakap "No". We were co-erced into buying tapi we can always say no and get out. Tapi member termakan taktik sales kotor diaorang. The next day aku gadoh besar dengan dia sampai masok office lambat semata2 aku kata "why are we buying this unit?" Last2 aku terpaksa jugak agree since dia kata dia yang nak bayar bukan aku. Fine.
End up, kita kena tipu lagi bila dorang suroh kita tukar kepada Concepts Vacation, abih ntah apa2 lagi lah. Dari rumah kat Austria, jadik condo kat Australia, abih ntah apa lagi aku pun tak tau end up aku jugak yang kena bayar $350 bulan2 sebab laki aku ni dah takde duit (30K dah habis pun). Empat tahun aku merana dengan LGM sial ni. Satu habok pun tarak. Action konon nak pegi holiday kat Australia. Porah!!. Siapa yang bodoh dalam perkara ni? Aku jugak.
3) Kereta
Ni susah sikit nak argue sebab mula2 aku memang dah kata "No, we can't afford it". Tapi waktu tu dah malam. Anak aku dah tidor dan bila dia dengar aku kata "No", mata dia dah belolok besar dan dia kata "BOLEH!!!". Aku diam je lah. Kang malam2 buta dia loktang, susah jugak aku. Seperti biasa, aku matikan diri. Buat bodoh. Tapi aku research dalam diam. Aku tau kereta bukan sekadar bayaran ansuran bulan2. Kereta kena road tax & insurance. Walaupun setahun sekali tapi kalau tak ada simpanan dan proper planning, mana kau nak korek duit insurance selepuk? Kita sendiri hidop cukup2 makan. Macam mana nak menabong? Tiap2 tahun bila part nak renew insurance dia pikiran. Nasib baik aku ada bonus tengah tahun. Dulu insurance boleh bayar ansuran tapi sekarang dah tak boleh unless paid by credit card. Tu baru soal insurance. Belom lagi soal carpark, coupon OPC, saman, servicing, tukar tayar dll.
Aku mengaku kereta tu memang banyak berjasa kat aku. Semasa aku nak beranak dulu pun dia yang tolong aku hantar pegi hospital. Aku boleh pergi menziarah dengan kereta tu. Memang berguna. Dulu memang kita boleh settle sebab laki aku kerja tetap. Sejak 2-3 tahun kebelakangan ni, rasa2 macam aku je yang kena korban tiap2 kali soal insurance kereta muncul.
4) Credit Card Si Bodoh
Ni kali aku yang betol2 bodoh. Dia suroh aku apply. Aku ikotkan sebab aku tak nak anak2 aku merana kalau bapak dia marah2 kat aku. Kerana gaji dah lebih 30K setahun, aku terpaksa akur. Dengan berat hati, aku apply. Dalam hati ni cakap "Woi Bengang!! Tak serik2 ke?!!! Siapa nak tolong kau kalau kena bayar balik hutang2 ni? Mak dia dulu banyak duit boleh tolong dia. Mak bapak kau mana ada duit nak tolong kau?" Suara hati aku lancang mengherdik tapi sebab aku takotkan laki aku, terpaksa aku turutkan.
Memang dari luar aku nampak happy sebab aku suka kalau dia happy. Dia juga promise nak tolong aku settle. Oh waktu tu dunia dia yang punya. Pergi holiday, belanja, jalan2, happy2. Sebab aku cuma tinggal "sign je". Bila duit dah habis, bill dah masok, mulalah menggelabah. Siapa kena settle hutang2 ygn mencecah 20K lebih? Ya...si Bodoh ni jugak.
5) Teksi
Lima tahun yang lalu, masa anak kedua aku baru umor setahun, dia belajar amik lesen teksi. Memang tekun. Aku suka kalau dia tekun dan bersungguh2 buat sesuatu. Tapi aku tak tau yang I have to bear the consequences. Tup2 dia kata dia nak jadik cabbie full time. Aku terperanjat berok sial.
Cabbie? Full time? Kalau kerja production sekurang2nya ada MC, ada Cuti, ada CPF. Ni full time cabbie apa ada? Aku diam je. Tak banyak songeh sebab aku tau kalau aku bukak mulut memang perang besar. He is aware that I am not happy. Dia sendiri bilang aku yang dia perasan yang aku "tak berapa suka". Sekali lagi aku diam. Tak kuasa nyah. Lagipun aku try to think positive. Apek2 teksi driver anak2 dorang pergi university. Bini dorang tak kerja. Kawan aku sendiri adek bradek 5 semua kerja kencang2, abang dia pilot kapal terbang lagi semua hasil titik peloh bapak dia yg bawak teksi. Lagipun laki aku convince aku pasal peak hour, perancangan masa dan macam2 lagi. Lagi best dia kata dia boleh bawak balik 2K sebulan. Wow!..2K eh.. orait ar.
Tapi sebelum tu, boleh tak aku pinjamkan $500 untuk dia bayar deposit teksi? Nanti dapat duit kicap dia bayar balik lah. Aku memang tak pernah harap dia bayar balik so aku kira $500 tu burn suah lah. So, isteri yang taat setia ni hulurkan lah $500 deposit. (Memang betol, dia tak bayar balik pun)
Bulan pertama ok. Dia rajin sebab excited lah katakan. Semangat berkobar2. Hidong kembang kuncup dapat pegang cash in hand. Tapi seperti yang aku jangkakan, laki aku sekali lagi cuma nampak luaran. Dia lupa teksi ni kena tolak duit sewa dan duit minyak. Kita kena rajin sebab kalau ikot office hour, memang tak cukup. Dia kata dia letih bawak lama2. Memang to be fair, aku tak paksa dia kerja terok2. Pas tu dia kena hospitalised. Bukan sekali tapi dua tahun berturut2 dia kena tumbuhan yang sama kat kelengkang dia. Kalau dah hospitalised, kurang2 tiga minggu baru boleh bawak teksi. Dalam 3 minggu tu aku anak beranak makan sop je lah. Tapi aku bersyukur sekurang2nya aku masih ada lagi income untuk tolong settlekan mana2 yang tak cukup.
Dah 5 tahun laki aku bawak teksi. Tiap2 kali dia tukar teksi kena bayar deposit dan tiap2 kali tu jugak aku kena sponsor. Tu takpe, CPF dia dah kering. Medisave sekarang kena top-up lagi 2K. Aku sorang2 kena finance rumah HDB tu. Abih bill Api Air, Cable, Internet, Telephone, Service and Conservancy, Handphone dah mula belonggok tak boleh settle sebab kalau harapkan gaji aku memang tak cukup. Tu blom masok bill credit card aku. Tapi pantang nenek moyang dia kalau aku complain. So aku telan je. Dah lah tu, rental teksi pun dia tak bayar sebab nak bayar benda lain. Last2 aku jugak kena cover bayar dia punya teksi rental. Ayat yang dia paling pantang dengar "You tak bawak teksi niari?". Awas kalau tersebut ayat tu pada hujung minggu. Confirm loktang punya.
Aku takot nak nangis depan dia sebab dia kata nak bunuh diri. Gila kan? Kalau nak bunuh diri apasal nak babitkan bini dengan anak2? Kau yang pandai2 buat decision tak pikir masa depan abih nak commit suicide sama2 konon. Fucking bullshit lah. Nak sangat mati sesat?
So aku pikol lah semua ni sorang2. Nangis sorang2. Stress sorang2. Dia tak perlu tau. Siapa yang bodoh? Aku jugak.
6) Sewa
Sekarang ni aku anak beranak dudok merempat. Sewakan rumah pindah rumah mak bapak aku konon. Mula2 ok lah. Tapi bila mak bapak aku mula tak happy dengan ke'malas'an dia, dan buat muka masam, dia dah tak happy. Dia demand kenapa mak bapak aku camni. Dipendekkan cerita end up aku tinggalkan keluarga aku demi suami tercinta dan dudok kat JB. Tapi masalah tetap tak settle. Anak aku sampai quit madrasah sebab tak bayar fees. Yuran kindergarden anak bongsu aku pun dah 2 bulan tertunggak tak settle.
Abih dalam perot ni ada lagi satu nak keluar. Aku bingung. Perasaan aku tertekan. Aku marah, sedih, geram dengan keadaan aku sekarang. Sampaikan aku tak terpikir langsong nak beli baju baby. Seluar aku yg dah sendat aku terpaksa tampal dengan stokin anak aku kat bahagian pinggang sebab tak mampu nak beli seluar maternity. Nak beli suar dalam pun pikir 10 kali. Aku takot tak cukup duit.
Laki aku tetap dengan sikap dia. Dia akan bawak teksi tapi bila aku gaji, dia slack. Bila nak dapat duit kicap $400, dia slack. Bila duit sewa rumah masok, pun dia slack. End up 70% of our income pegi kat duit rental teksi dia. Cam ni bila nak game?
Aku dah bosan. Ikotkan hati memang aku nak lari bawak anak2 aku. Tapi pikir2 balik, dia memang suami yang baik. Dia pandai amik hati aku if he make the effort. Dia sorang je yang nak kan aku sebab jantan2 keparat lain tak nak. Dia baik dengan anak2 aku. Cuma sifat pemalas dia ni yang aku tak boleh angkat. Oops "pemalas" tu tak boleh cakap kuat2. Pantang.
--------
Aku dah penat. Dah tak larat nak bergadoh lagi. Sekurang2 nya keturunan aku perempuan2nya tak hidop sampai 70. Dia punya lain. Dah 90 pun masih liat tak mau gol2. Dah nasib aku macam gini. Dah bahagian aku kat sini. Kerjalah aku sampai dapat CPF yang tak seberapa sen tu. Hidop si Bodoh tak mencapai impiannya dan mati terbongkang cam tu je. Kerja macam nak mampos untuk kesenangan orang lain. Tapi takpelah, at least dia happy sebab dapat bini bodoh yang tak banyak songeh...
Friday, June 17, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Retribution
I'm worried.
I have not seen a doctor since I walked out from the ADC after my scan (confirming that baby is alright) a month ago. I walked out like a thief with my 2 boys away from the counter because I only have 5 cents in my wallet. I make a game out of it and whispered to the boys "ok, let's see who can walk the fastest out the nearest exit". They won ahead of me (I was waddling in my condition) but I applauded them for winning. They have no idea.
Three days later, a bill of $40 is demanded.
That and the final warning letter from the Polyclinic for $9.90 (mine) and $6.90 (my firstborn) was still left lying in my drawer at home.
This is not inclusive of the piles of warning letters, lawyer letters demanding payment for unpaid credit card bills and outstanding loans.
Not a day goes by that didn't see me shed at least one tear. How am I going to survive? What will I feed my children? How can I bring up baby knowing that I can't give her even the basic necessities? How will I clothe her? I can't even think of mittens and cute baby booties without bawling my eyes out.
Where did I go wrong? Is it because I'm not firm enough? Is it because I didn't issue enough warning? The stupid thing is, I knew this would happen. I have a bad feeling about this from day one. But sadly, dear hubby wouldn't listen. Even if he did, there will be 2 outcomes.
(1) He'll blame me for not motivating him.
(2) He'll just go ahead and do it.
Whatever it is, I always get the short end of the stick. Life isn't fair. But if it comes to the point where even the children have to suffer while you watch helplessly knowing that you can do something about it but couldn't because you're too stupid to go against your hubby's words/wishes.
The guilt that hung around me proving that I'm a lousy mother, a lousy wife and a lousy daughter is too much too bear. I have to be strong. I MUST be strong. There are no other options. But I just can't help it when I cried myself to sleep every night, when I weep in the shower or when I release the dam of tears in the privacy of the toilet cubicle at work and anywhere else without him knowing it.
I've always been a strong girl. I got dumped by boyfriends and the tears just stubbornly refused to flow. I was teased and ridiculed throughout my teenage years but I never cried at my fate.
So why do I feel so helpless now? Why does the thought of my own home, which was rented out and which I missed terribly, make me want to cry so much? Why does the thought of the memories of raising 2 adorable baby boys in the comfort of my own home and which I can no longer do with my soon-to-be-born girl makes me want to scream with frustration?
The people who share the same frustrations as me are my parents and siblings. But I was too proud to prove them right. I was too loyal to my hubby to say that yes I have been bullied and I've been living in denial all these years. I cannot let them know I'm suffering. Oh they're not stupid. They see. They know. And I know they know. THey know I'm cautious and they know I never bite the bullet. They know I'm thrifty and they know I earn enough because of my qualification.
Then why am I the one straddled with credit card debts? Why am I the one who has to foot the car servicing bills when the car is not even mine? Why am I the one who has to pay the chilren's fees and foot the household bills? Why am I the one in rags when I get 5K for my bonus? But so far they did not know that sometimes I have to give up a whole month's pay to hubby for his taxi rental.
Don't get me wrong. Hubby tried. He tried hard to give us a comfortable life but sometimes he just didn't earn enough. He get sick easily. Sometimes he started working in the late morning because of a bout of diarrhea. During school holidays, he will spend time with the kids. He didn't earn on saturdays and sundays because those are his rest days. Sometimes he puts in weekends when we have to pay a certain bill within 24 hours. But that is not an every week occurance.
My family chose not interfere. They did a few times but hubby couldn't take it and till this day, hated them very much.
I chose to keep quiet and will probably end up suffering for the rest of my life. If I am shunned by my own flesh and blood, so be it. Worse thing is, my MIL hated my parents. She resented them because now I have to resort to finding temporary shelter at her place, sending my kids there and soon, spending my confinement period there too.
I should be thankful that she welcomed us. But I'm used to my own home. Taking care of my own babies at home is what I'm supposed to do. Why am I living out of a suitcase like a nomad? Of course dear hubby would be more than happy because it is his home.
The recent news he delivered is; he didn't want to go back living in singapore. He says it's too expensive. It was my idea to run to JB temporarily until our financial problems are sorted out and we were desperate to get out of Singapore because I know he will suffer more if we stay longer at my parents' place. But I didn't intend to move there permanently. I couldn't bear to see the children suffer every day. But no, he wanted to and did not stop for once to ask my opinion on the matter. He kept insisting that he's doing it for us. But we all know he's doing it for himself.
I'm trapped like a rat in a cage. There is nothing I can do. Absolutely NOTHING.
There's just too many things happening to me at this time. I don't know if I can take it anymore. One of these days I'll just drop dead and everyone will heave a sigh of relief that I'm finally gone. Not that there's much wealth to go around in the first place. My CPF will be dry because I'm the one who pay for the house and there's $0 savings in the banks. The only valuables I have was my engagement ring and the 2 bangles for my dowry. Yup, those are in the pawnshop.
I am trapped and suffocating but or course no one should know.
The important thing now is to suffer in silence, cry (but try not to let hubby know)and pretend I'm happy when deep down I know I'm not.
I guess in a way, these are retributions for what I have done. A sort of atonement for all my sins and what an awful lot there are.
I have not seen a doctor since I walked out from the ADC after my scan (confirming that baby is alright) a month ago. I walked out like a thief with my 2 boys away from the counter because I only have 5 cents in my wallet. I make a game out of it and whispered to the boys "ok, let's see who can walk the fastest out the nearest exit". They won ahead of me (I was waddling in my condition) but I applauded them for winning. They have no idea.
Three days later, a bill of $40 is demanded.
That and the final warning letter from the Polyclinic for $9.90 (mine) and $6.90 (my firstborn) was still left lying in my drawer at home.
This is not inclusive of the piles of warning letters, lawyer letters demanding payment for unpaid credit card bills and outstanding loans.
Not a day goes by that didn't see me shed at least one tear. How am I going to survive? What will I feed my children? How can I bring up baby knowing that I can't give her even the basic necessities? How will I clothe her? I can't even think of mittens and cute baby booties without bawling my eyes out.
Where did I go wrong? Is it because I'm not firm enough? Is it because I didn't issue enough warning? The stupid thing is, I knew this would happen. I have a bad feeling about this from day one. But sadly, dear hubby wouldn't listen. Even if he did, there will be 2 outcomes.
(1) He'll blame me for not motivating him.
(2) He'll just go ahead and do it.
Whatever it is, I always get the short end of the stick. Life isn't fair. But if it comes to the point where even the children have to suffer while you watch helplessly knowing that you can do something about it but couldn't because you're too stupid to go against your hubby's words/wishes.
The guilt that hung around me proving that I'm a lousy mother, a lousy wife and a lousy daughter is too much too bear. I have to be strong. I MUST be strong. There are no other options. But I just can't help it when I cried myself to sleep every night, when I weep in the shower or when I release the dam of tears in the privacy of the toilet cubicle at work and anywhere else without him knowing it.
I've always been a strong girl. I got dumped by boyfriends and the tears just stubbornly refused to flow. I was teased and ridiculed throughout my teenage years but I never cried at my fate.
So why do I feel so helpless now? Why does the thought of my own home, which was rented out and which I missed terribly, make me want to cry so much? Why does the thought of the memories of raising 2 adorable baby boys in the comfort of my own home and which I can no longer do with my soon-to-be-born girl makes me want to scream with frustration?
The people who share the same frustrations as me are my parents and siblings. But I was too proud to prove them right. I was too loyal to my hubby to say that yes I have been bullied and I've been living in denial all these years. I cannot let them know I'm suffering. Oh they're not stupid. They see. They know. And I know they know. THey know I'm cautious and they know I never bite the bullet. They know I'm thrifty and they know I earn enough because of my qualification.
Then why am I the one straddled with credit card debts? Why am I the one who has to foot the car servicing bills when the car is not even mine? Why am I the one who has to pay the chilren's fees and foot the household bills? Why am I the one in rags when I get 5K for my bonus? But so far they did not know that sometimes I have to give up a whole month's pay to hubby for his taxi rental.
Don't get me wrong. Hubby tried. He tried hard to give us a comfortable life but sometimes he just didn't earn enough. He get sick easily. Sometimes he started working in the late morning because of a bout of diarrhea. During school holidays, he will spend time with the kids. He didn't earn on saturdays and sundays because those are his rest days. Sometimes he puts in weekends when we have to pay a certain bill within 24 hours. But that is not an every week occurance.
My family chose not interfere. They did a few times but hubby couldn't take it and till this day, hated them very much.
I chose to keep quiet and will probably end up suffering for the rest of my life. If I am shunned by my own flesh and blood, so be it. Worse thing is, my MIL hated my parents. She resented them because now I have to resort to finding temporary shelter at her place, sending my kids there and soon, spending my confinement period there too.
I should be thankful that she welcomed us. But I'm used to my own home. Taking care of my own babies at home is what I'm supposed to do. Why am I living out of a suitcase like a nomad? Of course dear hubby would be more than happy because it is his home.
The recent news he delivered is; he didn't want to go back living in singapore. He says it's too expensive. It was my idea to run to JB temporarily until our financial problems are sorted out and we were desperate to get out of Singapore because I know he will suffer more if we stay longer at my parents' place. But I didn't intend to move there permanently. I couldn't bear to see the children suffer every day. But no, he wanted to and did not stop for once to ask my opinion on the matter. He kept insisting that he's doing it for us. But we all know he's doing it for himself.
I'm trapped like a rat in a cage. There is nothing I can do. Absolutely NOTHING.
There's just too many things happening to me at this time. I don't know if I can take it anymore. One of these days I'll just drop dead and everyone will heave a sigh of relief that I'm finally gone. Not that there's much wealth to go around in the first place. My CPF will be dry because I'm the one who pay for the house and there's $0 savings in the banks. The only valuables I have was my engagement ring and the 2 bangles for my dowry. Yup, those are in the pawnshop.
I am trapped and suffocating but or course no one should know.
The important thing now is to suffer in silence, cry (but try not to let hubby know)and pretend I'm happy when deep down I know I'm not.
I guess in a way, these are retributions for what I have done. A sort of atonement for all my sins and what an awful lot there are.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Life Sucks. So What?
There was a time when all I have to do is step into a shop and get whatever I want without even blinking. I bought a $105 jeans without even stopping to think whether I need it or not.
When I had my first child, I just have to impulsively enter a Cerisi store and bought 5 boys outfit at one go. Sometimes, all it takes is one trip to the market for my saturday routine of spending $80 on my weekly supply of groceries and I came upon a makeshift table of babies clothes for everyday use and I'd blow $20 just like that.
I'm not a compulsive buyer. Nor am I a rich tai-tai. Spending on the above is chicken feed compared to the obscene amount of money the kids spend on these days.
I longed for those days. My weekly saturday trip to the market would involve me dragging my then 2 year old boy and promising him a trip to the playground if he's good. My first stop would be the seafood stall. I didn't blink if my choice of garoupa, squid and prawns alone adds up to $40. I always add an unplanned can of peach for him (he loves peaches in cans) to my list of groceries. Groceries for the week done, I'd let him play at the playground on the market square while I read the newspaper. He'll help me push the cart home and promptly fell asleep in front of the TV with the fan on. My husband would be pushing in the weekend shift but he'll normally be home by 3pm. So I'll start preparing lunch and dinner at the same time. I wanted that monotony because it provides a sense of security. There is nothing for me to worry about.
I wanted those days back.
How I longed to purchase an apple pie in macdonald's without hesitating. I'd give anything for a chance to choose between a $1.90 peach tart with a miserable slice of peach at Polar Puff or a $3.90 alternative at Delifrance but with real half a peach. Sometimes, when I'm stressed out at work, I'll take a cab to Clementi and purchase one bedsheet just for the fun of it.
No matter how it was back then, we always managed our spending. We're not rich and we only earn $2900 between us but there's always an available minimum sum of at least $40 in my salary bank a day before payday. It doesn't bother me that much because the bills would've been paid by then and we have no outstanding amount owed to any banks. We don't own credit cards and after setting aside a small amount in my secret account, $40 in my salary bank is nothing for me to worry about.
Things are so much different now. My pay day is on the 15th. By 16th, I have a total of <$10 to my name. Usually. I'm helping the best I can and I know he is struggling too. I knew where we went wrong but he refused to learn from the mistakes. He wouldn't admit that I am right and I wouldn't want to be dragged into one bitter fight after another. I have children who depended on me. I want them to be happy but I wish I could give more to them.
These days, my quota for lunch is $1.30. Anything more than that will disrupt my fragile budget. Sometimes, I don't even have $1.30. Sometimes, I'm a proud owner of $0.05 in my wallet. Sometimes none at all.
I feel so sorry for myself. All I have to do is look into my facebook account and my friends would be bingeing on nice lunches at swanky cafes or having dinner at one of those restaurants that charges exorbitant prices on atmosphere alone. Sometimes there would be photos of their nice and simple meals at the local coffee shop but that too is not on our "what to eat for dinner tonight" routine.
I may sound cruel and ungrateful here. Don't get me wrong. I do feel happy that the family is happy with whatever simple things we had. Our house is rented out and we have to rent a small studio apartment across the causeway to get by. We commute 39km everyday to send the kids to school but I'm glad so far, it has not affected their studies. We are still struggling with paying the banks and financing the car. No matter how hungry I was at work, we can still afford a nice meal for dinner what with the current exchange rate being at our advantage. At least there's bread and butter on the table.
I cried at what's befalling us but at the same time I looked back and realise that all these things happened for a reason. However, I can't help looking back at all those happy times and missing those happy days. I let him do whatever he likes and I get to suffer for it for the rest of my life. But I don't blame him. At least he didn't gamble, womanise and spend his time doing goodness-knows-what at goodness-knows-where.
I must accept the fact that I will no longer taste the little luxuries I used to take for granted. I must accept whatever fate gave me. As long as I am still strong enough to work, I'll just contribute to the household. I'll do so until I retire.
I wouldn't have much since my CPF is dried up to pay for our flat and he does not have any CPF at all. At this rate, I don't have to worry so much when I retire at 60. Whatever miserable sum I receive will go to whatever my husband has planned. Afterall, he was the one who planned on what to spend at every yearly bonuses I get. He drives a taxi (self employed as he so insisted) so he didn't get bonuses.
He is at his most happiest come end of the year when I get get paid extra and will be the most angriest I didn't get enough insisting on me confronting my superiors on why I didn't get enough (which I don't normally do because to me, something is better than nothing). I can only manage a bittersweet smile and let him blame me for not "doing enough work" and "too lazy to upgrade myself" so that I can get better pay and contribute to the family income nevermind that currently I'm already pitching in 85%.
Don't get me wrong. He is a nice person. He buys me lunch and gave me pocket money as and when he remembers but I feel guilty asking for it because I know he's struggling too. I longed for the freedom to purchase what I want because I'm a careful spender. I always save up for a rainy day. These days I couldn't even afford to buy lunch, how to save for a rainy day? I feel like Tommy and Gina on Bon Jovi's Living on a Prayer but I'm afraid to cry because my Tommy wouldn't whisper "baby it's ok". He'll scold me for not being grateful instead.
According to my family history, the girls don't live up to 70. Give or take a few years, I'll probably drop dead before I can get back the luxury of choosing between a $1.90 or $3.90 peach tart ever again.
When I had my first child, I just have to impulsively enter a Cerisi store and bought 5 boys outfit at one go. Sometimes, all it takes is one trip to the market for my saturday routine of spending $80 on my weekly supply of groceries and I came upon a makeshift table of babies clothes for everyday use and I'd blow $20 just like that.
I'm not a compulsive buyer. Nor am I a rich tai-tai. Spending on the above is chicken feed compared to the obscene amount of money the kids spend on these days.
I longed for those days. My weekly saturday trip to the market would involve me dragging my then 2 year old boy and promising him a trip to the playground if he's good. My first stop would be the seafood stall. I didn't blink if my choice of garoupa, squid and prawns alone adds up to $40. I always add an unplanned can of peach for him (he loves peaches in cans) to my list of groceries. Groceries for the week done, I'd let him play at the playground on the market square while I read the newspaper. He'll help me push the cart home and promptly fell asleep in front of the TV with the fan on. My husband would be pushing in the weekend shift but he'll normally be home by 3pm. So I'll start preparing lunch and dinner at the same time. I wanted that monotony because it provides a sense of security. There is nothing for me to worry about.
I wanted those days back.
How I longed to purchase an apple pie in macdonald's without hesitating. I'd give anything for a chance to choose between a $1.90 peach tart with a miserable slice of peach at Polar Puff or a $3.90 alternative at Delifrance but with real half a peach. Sometimes, when I'm stressed out at work, I'll take a cab to Clementi and purchase one bedsheet just for the fun of it.
No matter how it was back then, we always managed our spending. We're not rich and we only earn $2900 between us but there's always an available minimum sum of at least $40 in my salary bank a day before payday. It doesn't bother me that much because the bills would've been paid by then and we have no outstanding amount owed to any banks. We don't own credit cards and after setting aside a small amount in my secret account, $40 in my salary bank is nothing for me to worry about.
Things are so much different now. My pay day is on the 15th. By 16th, I have a total of <$10 to my name. Usually. I'm helping the best I can and I know he is struggling too. I knew where we went wrong but he refused to learn from the mistakes. He wouldn't admit that I am right and I wouldn't want to be dragged into one bitter fight after another. I have children who depended on me. I want them to be happy but I wish I could give more to them.
These days, my quota for lunch is $1.30. Anything more than that will disrupt my fragile budget. Sometimes, I don't even have $1.30. Sometimes, I'm a proud owner of $0.05 in my wallet. Sometimes none at all.
I feel so sorry for myself. All I have to do is look into my facebook account and my friends would be bingeing on nice lunches at swanky cafes or having dinner at one of those restaurants that charges exorbitant prices on atmosphere alone. Sometimes there would be photos of their nice and simple meals at the local coffee shop but that too is not on our "what to eat for dinner tonight" routine.
I may sound cruel and ungrateful here. Don't get me wrong. I do feel happy that the family is happy with whatever simple things we had. Our house is rented out and we have to rent a small studio apartment across the causeway to get by. We commute 39km everyday to send the kids to school but I'm glad so far, it has not affected their studies. We are still struggling with paying the banks and financing the car. No matter how hungry I was at work, we can still afford a nice meal for dinner what with the current exchange rate being at our advantage. At least there's bread and butter on the table.
I cried at what's befalling us but at the same time I looked back and realise that all these things happened for a reason. However, I can't help looking back at all those happy times and missing those happy days. I let him do whatever he likes and I get to suffer for it for the rest of my life. But I don't blame him. At least he didn't gamble, womanise and spend his time doing goodness-knows-what at goodness-knows-where.
I must accept the fact that I will no longer taste the little luxuries I used to take for granted. I must accept whatever fate gave me. As long as I am still strong enough to work, I'll just contribute to the household. I'll do so until I retire.
I wouldn't have much since my CPF is dried up to pay for our flat and he does not have any CPF at all. At this rate, I don't have to worry so much when I retire at 60. Whatever miserable sum I receive will go to whatever my husband has planned. Afterall, he was the one who planned on what to spend at every yearly bonuses I get. He drives a taxi (self employed as he so insisted) so he didn't get bonuses.
He is at his most happiest come end of the year when I get get paid extra and will be the most angriest I didn't get enough insisting on me confronting my superiors on why I didn't get enough (which I don't normally do because to me, something is better than nothing). I can only manage a bittersweet smile and let him blame me for not "doing enough work" and "too lazy to upgrade myself" so that I can get better pay and contribute to the family income nevermind that currently I'm already pitching in 85%.
Don't get me wrong. He is a nice person. He buys me lunch and gave me pocket money as and when he remembers but I feel guilty asking for it because I know he's struggling too. I longed for the freedom to purchase what I want because I'm a careful spender. I always save up for a rainy day. These days I couldn't even afford to buy lunch, how to save for a rainy day? I feel like Tommy and Gina on Bon Jovi's Living on a Prayer but I'm afraid to cry because my Tommy wouldn't whisper "baby it's ok". He'll scold me for not being grateful instead.
According to my family history, the girls don't live up to 70. Give or take a few years, I'll probably drop dead before I can get back the luxury of choosing between a $1.90 or $3.90 peach tart ever again.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Absolute Perfection
Dear 925
I wonder what I'll turn up to be if I were to marry you.
Will I be like how I am today or will I be a different person altogether?
Will I be going off to work humming my favourite song knowing that you'll come home after the night shift at to an empty house but a warm breakfast, lovingly prepared by me, waiting for you? Will you and I have the 1 boy and 1 girl perfect family equation living comfortably at Anchorvale Drive?
Will I be dilligiently doing my work while you snored off the rest of the morning in our quilted (300 thread-count) bed after having your fill only to wake up at noon and calling me at work just to say you love me and how you'll pick up the kids at the babysitter's later that day, then you'll pick me up from MRT station and send me home with the kids before you head off to face another rigorous night shift?
The kid's homework will be done because you're so good at tutoring the kids. They'll have dinner with me and share our big bed for the night. Honestly, will I be able to sleep on the bed alone while you're gone?
I'll watch Monday night sitcoms or the latest blockbuster thanks to the cable and tv you lovingly provide for me in the built-in cabinet (colour: dark walnut, of course) in our room. Then you'll call me 5 mins before 11pm to talk about your work and how you missed me. You'll remind me to lock up the doors and close all the windows and kiss the kids good night for you.
During your off-days, you'll pick me up from work in our brand new red Mazda (almost fully paid for of course) since you're so good at saving and how you hated to take up huge loans from the banks. We'll exchange pleasantries and we'll pick up the kids before having dinner at your favourite eating joints. Maybe we'll just go grocery shopping and I'll cook up a storm for you if it's over the weekend.
Once in a while, although I would never ask for it, you'll surprise me with a romantic weekend in Bali or Batam (I'm practical, ok). Just the two of us and you'll gently chide me for worrying about the kids at your mom's place while making sensual love to me (under a flimsy, white canopied bed) until I go senseless.
You know I hate air travelling but you know I wanted to see the Northern Lights in Canada/Alaska/Whatever. So you'll help pack our stuff so that we can spend the time together as a family. Of course, you wouldn't blame me if I forgot to bring the cellphone charger. You'll be the one who will remember to bring it. You're so smart and kind, you wouldn't blame your stressed-out wife for anything and everything.
You'll arrange for everything but you'll be asking for my opinion on matters which you think I should be involved in. I am afterall an equal partner in this relationship and you know you didn't marry someone dumb. You'll listen to my points, weigh the pros and cons and reach a compromise with me before we decide on anything( the holiday in Canada/Alaska/Whatever doesn't count). Oh yeah, we will talk and not shout at each other. Even if we do not agree, we will eventually reach a common ground because we always talk things out. You consider my views as I do yours. Did I mention that we never argue? Ever?
Our kids would perform well in school and although they're not whizzes, they make us proud with their accomplishments. You never belittle them. You never call them 'stupid'. You're firm but you're also gentle and kind with them.
We live a comfortable life away from stress, mounting unpaid bills and credit card companies baying for our blood. The furnitures would be paid for in cash (of course) and although we don't live frugally, we don't spend unnecessarily either. We will have enough reserves in our bank accounts for a rainy day. Heck, we can even go through a tornado with the kind of savings we have.
We will be the perfect family living the perfect life in a perfect home. Wouldn't that be just perfect?
I wonder what I'll turn up to be if I were to marry you.
Will I be like how I am today or will I be a different person altogether?
Will I be going off to work humming my favourite song knowing that you'll come home after the night shift at to an empty house but a warm breakfast, lovingly prepared by me, waiting for you? Will you and I have the 1 boy and 1 girl perfect family equation living comfortably at Anchorvale Drive?
Will I be dilligiently doing my work while you snored off the rest of the morning in our quilted (300 thread-count) bed after having your fill only to wake up at noon and calling me at work just to say you love me and how you'll pick up the kids at the babysitter's later that day, then you'll pick me up from MRT station and send me home with the kids before you head off to face another rigorous night shift?
The kid's homework will be done because you're so good at tutoring the kids. They'll have dinner with me and share our big bed for the night. Honestly, will I be able to sleep on the bed alone while you're gone?
I'll watch Monday night sitcoms or the latest blockbuster thanks to the cable and tv you lovingly provide for me in the built-in cabinet (colour: dark walnut, of course) in our room. Then you'll call me 5 mins before 11pm to talk about your work and how you missed me. You'll remind me to lock up the doors and close all the windows and kiss the kids good night for you.
During your off-days, you'll pick me up from work in our brand new red Mazda (almost fully paid for of course) since you're so good at saving and how you hated to take up huge loans from the banks. We'll exchange pleasantries and we'll pick up the kids before having dinner at your favourite eating joints. Maybe we'll just go grocery shopping and I'll cook up a storm for you if it's over the weekend.
Once in a while, although I would never ask for it, you'll surprise me with a romantic weekend in Bali or Batam (I'm practical, ok). Just the two of us and you'll gently chide me for worrying about the kids at your mom's place while making sensual love to me (under a flimsy, white canopied bed) until I go senseless.
You know I hate air travelling but you know I wanted to see the Northern Lights in Canada/Alaska/Whatever. So you'll help pack our stuff so that we can spend the time together as a family. Of course, you wouldn't blame me if I forgot to bring the cellphone charger. You'll be the one who will remember to bring it. You're so smart and kind, you wouldn't blame your stressed-out wife for anything and everything.
You'll arrange for everything but you'll be asking for my opinion on matters which you think I should be involved in. I am afterall an equal partner in this relationship and you know you didn't marry someone dumb. You'll listen to my points, weigh the pros and cons and reach a compromise with me before we decide on anything( the holiday in Canada/Alaska/Whatever doesn't count). Oh yeah, we will talk and not shout at each other. Even if we do not agree, we will eventually reach a common ground because we always talk things out. You consider my views as I do yours. Did I mention that we never argue? Ever?
Our kids would perform well in school and although they're not whizzes, they make us proud with their accomplishments. You never belittle them. You never call them 'stupid'. You're firm but you're also gentle and kind with them.
We live a comfortable life away from stress, mounting unpaid bills and credit card companies baying for our blood. The furnitures would be paid for in cash (of course) and although we don't live frugally, we don't spend unnecessarily either. We will have enough reserves in our bank accounts for a rainy day. Heck, we can even go through a tornado with the kind of savings we have.
We will be the perfect family living the perfect life in a perfect home. Wouldn't that be just perfect?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Long Tunnel of Hope
No one wants to be associated with me. I don't blame them.
I was the one who opted to remain faithful to him. All I had to do was to thicken my skin and approach them for money. If they chose to avoid me, there's nothing much I can do, can I? Never mind the humiliation.
Everyone says it's blind faith. I've been called names but where else can I go if there is no other way out? Trapped like a mouse in a maze. There is no way out and I keep hitting dead ends.
My heart is heavy and it was all I could do to pretend that everything is all right for my kids' sake. It's all for them really. I laugh in the day but no one knows how I cried myself to sleep every night. I don't know how long this will go on but I'm thankful that I get to live each day with a shred of hope - even if it's only a tiny shred.
I pray for strength.
I was the one who opted to remain faithful to him. All I had to do was to thicken my skin and approach them for money. If they chose to avoid me, there's nothing much I can do, can I? Never mind the humiliation.
Everyone says it's blind faith. I've been called names but where else can I go if there is no other way out? Trapped like a mouse in a maze. There is no way out and I keep hitting dead ends.
My heart is heavy and it was all I could do to pretend that everything is all right for my kids' sake. It's all for them really. I laugh in the day but no one knows how I cried myself to sleep every night. I don't know how long this will go on but I'm thankful that I get to live each day with a shred of hope - even if it's only a tiny shred.
I pray for strength.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Final Fantasy - my ass..
It's ok.
Now I see everything. Finally.
I approach you in my hour of need and I understand if you're sceptical about everything including my hysterical outburst.
You said you trust me. I get that.
It's him you don't trust. I get that loud and clear too.
You said you've spent some time thinking about it and you need to lay down the rules, terms and conditions. Fine. I like this approach. Professional. The more formal the terms are, the better it is for everyone.
And then you make me wait.
And wait.
And wait.
In typical "you" fashion, you disappeared. Just like how you did 12 years ago. You refused to commit and you fucking disappear!!..
Oh yes, I envy you. I envy your perfect life, your perfect wife, your perfect family. But not so much to the extend that I will want to ruin all that you've built. No, I refused to waste my time on such trivial issues.
I for one, do not subscribe to the theory of revenge. I believe that what goes around, comes around. You gave me false hopes about helping but ended up leaving me waiting. Just like how I waited for your phone calls, how I waited for your weekends off, how I waited for you to spend time with me and how I seemed to be perpetually waiting for you 12 years ago. Sorry. If you think I'd beg and grovel my way up to you this time, then you're wrong.
I don't mind if you do not wish to help. I don't mind if you casts opinions on myself and 'him'. But at least let me know. Just say it straight to my face "No. I can't help you". Finito. El fin. Die Ende. Rampung. The End.
I'm sure I'm matured enough to accept that. You think I'd stomp my feet and tease your cock for you? Oh please, you can be so fucking stupid at times.
But boy I sure love your stories. I love the way you say you toss your money around, like water from a faucet. You gave senior citizens hundreds during your raya visits. You change hundred dollar notes like nothing to gave alms to the kids. The way you describe your generosity exceeds even the wildest imagination. You gave support to helpless widows whose husbands left them because they (the widows) fuck around. You gave away your moollahs to help their children. You gave money to people who never pay you back. Of course you have the right to be suspicous and queried my actions.
I understand all that. Of course I want the terms and conditions if they're legal. I'll sign my name in blood if I have to. But you refused to let me know your terms. As I said, you left me waiting.
I dwelled on it and I don't need an ass's brain to tell me that one of your terms would involve something underneath my panties.
If you think I'd give it to you, then fuck you!! Twelve years ago, you're a lousy boyfriend. Sad to say, 12 years on, you turned out to be a lousy 'friend' too.
Don't bother looking up for me. You're as good as dead.
Because, men being men, at the end of the day, it's only their bloody balls that matters to them.
Have a nice fucking day.
Now I see everything. Finally.
I approach you in my hour of need and I understand if you're sceptical about everything including my hysterical outburst.
You said you trust me. I get that.
It's him you don't trust. I get that loud and clear too.
You said you've spent some time thinking about it and you need to lay down the rules, terms and conditions. Fine. I like this approach. Professional. The more formal the terms are, the better it is for everyone.
And then you make me wait.
And wait.
And wait.
In typical "you" fashion, you disappeared. Just like how you did 12 years ago. You refused to commit and you fucking disappear!!..
Oh yes, I envy you. I envy your perfect life, your perfect wife, your perfect family. But not so much to the extend that I will want to ruin all that you've built. No, I refused to waste my time on such trivial issues.
I for one, do not subscribe to the theory of revenge. I believe that what goes around, comes around. You gave me false hopes about helping but ended up leaving me waiting. Just like how I waited for your phone calls, how I waited for your weekends off, how I waited for you to spend time with me and how I seemed to be perpetually waiting for you 12 years ago. Sorry. If you think I'd beg and grovel my way up to you this time, then you're wrong.
I don't mind if you do not wish to help. I don't mind if you casts opinions on myself and 'him'. But at least let me know. Just say it straight to my face "No. I can't help you". Finito. El fin. Die Ende. Rampung. The End.
I'm sure I'm matured enough to accept that. You think I'd stomp my feet and tease your cock for you? Oh please, you can be so fucking stupid at times.
But boy I sure love your stories. I love the way you say you toss your money around, like water from a faucet. You gave senior citizens hundreds during your raya visits. You change hundred dollar notes like nothing to gave alms to the kids. The way you describe your generosity exceeds even the wildest imagination. You gave support to helpless widows whose husbands left them because they (the widows) fuck around. You gave away your moollahs to help their children. You gave money to people who never pay you back. Of course you have the right to be suspicous and queried my actions.
I understand all that. Of course I want the terms and conditions if they're legal. I'll sign my name in blood if I have to. But you refused to let me know your terms. As I said, you left me waiting.
I dwelled on it and I don't need an ass's brain to tell me that one of your terms would involve something underneath my panties.
If you think I'd give it to you, then fuck you!! Twelve years ago, you're a lousy boyfriend. Sad to say, 12 years on, you turned out to be a lousy 'friend' too.
Don't bother looking up for me. You're as good as dead.
Because, men being men, at the end of the day, it's only their bloody balls that matters to them.
Have a nice fucking day.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Bad, bad, bad girl!!
I'm feeling like shit right now.
I've hit my all time low.
My intention was to go there, grab the money and figure out a way to pay off the loan in comfortable monthly installments while pretending that life was fine as it is.
I was desperate and when you're desperate, you can do just about anything.
From the moment I stepped out of the cab in front of Cold Storage, I couldn't feel my heartbeat and I couldn't breathe. It didn't help when there was a bronze cab in front of me with an advertisement at the bumper that says "Catch Cheating Spouse". Something bubbled in my throat. It's either hysterical laughter or my breakfast that morning. Given another time when I would recall back fondly, I would have a good kick out of this memory. But at that particular moment, only God knew how I felt.
So there I was at Holland V Starbucks trying to find the staircase that will lead to the alfresco dining area upstairs. Last time I remembered, it was there but when I asked the barrista, all I got was a blank stare and a confused look. Apparantly, there was renovation going on upstairs because they blocked the narrow staircase with their condiments cabinet.
My text sounded panicky. He was still on his way and he told me to stay put, something of which I found impossible given the situation I was in. I kept scanning the main road for a bronze cab that will untimately result in my instant departure from this earth if the owner of the cab found out I was at Holland V and not at Tampines as I had told him earlier.
And yes, at that moment, I AM the Cheating Spouse.
But my intention was good.
I need the money.
I really, really NEED the money.
I was jittery and am definitely a perfect candidate for CID officers looking for contraband cigarettes under my bra.
He told me to walk slowly towards the back and look for Coffee Bean but he's not sure about the "alfresco upstairs" bit. So I picked my way with ridiculous, thin heels up the hilly slope. I asked a mid 40s tai-tai if there's a Coffee Bean around and she was like "you're standing next to it". Hah. Stupidity at it's maximus.
So I went in. It was very crowded and no, there were no alfresco upstairs. I was standing around the counter looking like a potted plant when I spotted a girl moving her Fujitsu notebook from the sofa and moved to a table nearby. I grabbed the sofa, strategically placed behind a row of plastic leaves and waited.
The lighting was soft and I knew it will hid the fresh pimple scar I had managed to get rid off a half and hour earlier while scrubbing my face frantically in front of the mirror in the Ladies at my office.
I sat back and scrolled my iBook, read two pages of Emma and gave up when I had no idea what Mr Knightley was saying. It was then when he walked in.
He was different. The years had been kind to him. A bit rounder but in a healthier, happier way.
We had iced mocha and he bought me a blueberry muffin. It was a long time since I indulged in something like this and it's a hell of a lot nicer since he's paying for it. No time to be embarrased. He wanted my time so he jolly well have to pay for it.
I just thought I could get the money and make my quick exit, but I didn't gamble on what my feelings and emotions were to experience next.
We spent 3 hours catching up. My eyes kept darting towards the entrance. I have a reason to be afraid and yes, I was very, very scared.
Too many things to say and no words could describe how I felt at that moment. I wasn't exactly flirting but I managed to act like a matured 36 year old without being flighty and nervous like a dizzy 16 year old schoolgirl.
Maybe it's my manner or the way I sat. Maybe it's how I talked and moved my hands elegantly while I spoke and not gesturing around wildly and poking the air with my fork while expressing my disgust in North Korea's future nuclear plans.
I acted like I sipped designer coffee every other afternoon at a swanky cafe.
Whatever I was showing him at that time was a total farce and of course, I didn't exactly fooled him. The tears gave it away. The emotions racing across my face was easy to read.
We spoke about the past, and how things would have been if I didn't acted irrationally and we didn't had that misunderstanding years ago. Things would be different if I were to let him explain his actions and not run off with a rebound guy who was kind enough to pick up the pieces but alas took you for granted and expected you to solve the worlds' problem for him.
Time flew by and before we knew it, it was time to go. I did not regret rejecting the money and he drove me back. What happened next was unexplainable and of course unforgivable. He asked for a kiss. For a moment, I felt like that 21 year old girl all those years ago. I lost my head. I coudn't remember what I did. One moment, my hand was on the door handle and the next, his lips were on mine.
I was back in 1995. I was the super eager virgin having her first kiss. Time stood still. It was how I've always remembered it. My left hand grabbed the back of his neck and it was then I realised that I had made a horrible mistake.
WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE???!!!.
It was difficult to control my emotions. I was a mess. He caught me at my most vulnerable moment and I totally loose it.
I told him I missed him and his eyes, Oh God, his eyes...!!..He was still in love with me..
Why?? Why must this happen at a time like this? My confusion, my financial problem that will result in me renting my unit and moving back to my mum's, my sister hating me for doing so because I'm reclaiming back my room (which is now her room).
My marriage is not even breaking up and there I was kissing my bloody ex boyfriend.
I couldn't accept the money he gave me and told him to forget about everything. I couldn't think straight. He told me that he will always be there if I needed him and I'm not to do anything stupid like jumping off buildings when I couldn't take it anymore.
At that moment, my boys' faces flashed before my eyes and I broke down. I managed a lame joke about him writing to my parents (that's another story, I'll blog about them later when I'm in a saner state of mind).
I walked straight but with the emotional turmoil boiling in me and the guilt written all over my face, it was all I could do not to fall over my thin heels. I glanced back but couldn't see his expression through the windscreen. The second time I looked, his Mazda3 was speeding away.
I hated myself. I deserved to be flogged to death.
I've hit my all time low.
My intention was to go there, grab the money and figure out a way to pay off the loan in comfortable monthly installments while pretending that life was fine as it is.
I was desperate and when you're desperate, you can do just about anything.
From the moment I stepped out of the cab in front of Cold Storage, I couldn't feel my heartbeat and I couldn't breathe. It didn't help when there was a bronze cab in front of me with an advertisement at the bumper that says "Catch Cheating Spouse". Something bubbled in my throat. It's either hysterical laughter or my breakfast that morning. Given another time when I would recall back fondly, I would have a good kick out of this memory. But at that particular moment, only God knew how I felt.
So there I was at Holland V Starbucks trying to find the staircase that will lead to the alfresco dining area upstairs. Last time I remembered, it was there but when I asked the barrista, all I got was a blank stare and a confused look. Apparantly, there was renovation going on upstairs because they blocked the narrow staircase with their condiments cabinet.
My text sounded panicky. He was still on his way and he told me to stay put, something of which I found impossible given the situation I was in. I kept scanning the main road for a bronze cab that will untimately result in my instant departure from this earth if the owner of the cab found out I was at Holland V and not at Tampines as I had told him earlier.
And yes, at that moment, I AM the Cheating Spouse.
But my intention was good.
I need the money.
I really, really NEED the money.
I was jittery and am definitely a perfect candidate for CID officers looking for contraband cigarettes under my bra.
He told me to walk slowly towards the back and look for Coffee Bean but he's not sure about the "alfresco upstairs" bit. So I picked my way with ridiculous, thin heels up the hilly slope. I asked a mid 40s tai-tai if there's a Coffee Bean around and she was like "you're standing next to it". Hah. Stupidity at it's maximus.
So I went in. It was very crowded and no, there were no alfresco upstairs. I was standing around the counter looking like a potted plant when I spotted a girl moving her Fujitsu notebook from the sofa and moved to a table nearby. I grabbed the sofa, strategically placed behind a row of plastic leaves and waited.
The lighting was soft and I knew it will hid the fresh pimple scar I had managed to get rid off a half and hour earlier while scrubbing my face frantically in front of the mirror in the Ladies at my office.
I sat back and scrolled my iBook, read two pages of Emma and gave up when I had no idea what Mr Knightley was saying. It was then when he walked in.
He was different. The years had been kind to him. A bit rounder but in a healthier, happier way.
We had iced mocha and he bought me a blueberry muffin. It was a long time since I indulged in something like this and it's a hell of a lot nicer since he's paying for it. No time to be embarrased. He wanted my time so he jolly well have to pay for it.
I just thought I could get the money and make my quick exit, but I didn't gamble on what my feelings and emotions were to experience next.
We spent 3 hours catching up. My eyes kept darting towards the entrance. I have a reason to be afraid and yes, I was very, very scared.
Too many things to say and no words could describe how I felt at that moment. I wasn't exactly flirting but I managed to act like a matured 36 year old without being flighty and nervous like a dizzy 16 year old schoolgirl.
Maybe it's my manner or the way I sat. Maybe it's how I talked and moved my hands elegantly while I spoke and not gesturing around wildly and poking the air with my fork while expressing my disgust in North Korea's future nuclear plans.
I acted like I sipped designer coffee every other afternoon at a swanky cafe.
Whatever I was showing him at that time was a total farce and of course, I didn't exactly fooled him. The tears gave it away. The emotions racing across my face was easy to read.
We spoke about the past, and how things would have been if I didn't acted irrationally and we didn't had that misunderstanding years ago. Things would be different if I were to let him explain his actions and not run off with a rebound guy who was kind enough to pick up the pieces but alas took you for granted and expected you to solve the worlds' problem for him.
Time flew by and before we knew it, it was time to go. I did not regret rejecting the money and he drove me back. What happened next was unexplainable and of course unforgivable. He asked for a kiss. For a moment, I felt like that 21 year old girl all those years ago. I lost my head. I coudn't remember what I did. One moment, my hand was on the door handle and the next, his lips were on mine.
I was back in 1995. I was the super eager virgin having her first kiss. Time stood still. It was how I've always remembered it. My left hand grabbed the back of his neck and it was then I realised that I had made a horrible mistake.
WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE???!!!.
It was difficult to control my emotions. I was a mess. He caught me at my most vulnerable moment and I totally loose it.
I told him I missed him and his eyes, Oh God, his eyes...!!..He was still in love with me..
Why?? Why must this happen at a time like this? My confusion, my financial problem that will result in me renting my unit and moving back to my mum's, my sister hating me for doing so because I'm reclaiming back my room (which is now her room).
My marriage is not even breaking up and there I was kissing my bloody ex boyfriend.
I couldn't accept the money he gave me and told him to forget about everything. I couldn't think straight. He told me that he will always be there if I needed him and I'm not to do anything stupid like jumping off buildings when I couldn't take it anymore.
At that moment, my boys' faces flashed before my eyes and I broke down. I managed a lame joke about him writing to my parents (that's another story, I'll blog about them later when I'm in a saner state of mind).
I walked straight but with the emotional turmoil boiling in me and the guilt written all over my face, it was all I could do not to fall over my thin heels. I glanced back but couldn't see his expression through the windscreen. The second time I looked, his Mazda3 was speeding away.
I hated myself. I deserved to be flogged to death.
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