Sins of a Lesser Being

Take all the blame. It's your fault anyway. Atone for all your sins. You deserve whatever that has befallen you. Who says you deserve happiness? There is never such a thing. Happiness is when everyone else is happy. You just stand on the fringes - if they let you. Otherwise your existence is only to be tolerated. Like the much needed domestic help. If you've served your time, they'll just send you away. 

You're never of much use anyway. You are brainless and stupid. Your purpose in this world is to work and submit all your income to the relevant party.  You produce so that others will be happy. You have no say in this matter for you have all hell to pay if you ever open your stinky mouth. 

You are nothing to them. You will serve your time until you are no longer useful. Your bones will be weak and you'll be kicked out of the workforce. 

For a short period they will love you for the savings that can finally be withdrawn. Once that ran out, you are back to the worthless creature that you are and find yourself standing on the fringe again waiting to meet your creator, ever hopeful that your past sins didn't catch up with you.

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I'm tired. Just tired. I never had it easy but I'm not complaining.

Someone told me that the reason why we're tested is because the Almighty knows we're strong enough to face it. That explains why others are lucky all the time. It's because they're weak - really.

I don't know how long I can last in this. But I must be grateful that at least I'm not living under a bridge somewhere in a third world country.

Why me?

There is a permanent frown etched on my forehead. I can't get rid of it. I noticed it one morning when I actually stopped to properly looked at myself in the mirror in all my just-woke-up-from-sleep glory. It's been a long time since I properly scanned my face. Blackheads galore. Am not a teenager and don't care anymore. Have got tones of work to do and no time to give each screaming blackhead the attention they need. Puffy eyes from crying before I sleep. - it;s becoming a ritual, the crying.

Black rings under my eyes, lips which can't find any reason to curve upwards anymore and those, sad, empty eyes. To top it off, that new addition on my forehead. Years of 'guilt' carved there and bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders without complaining has taken it's toll. I give myself another 20 years or so. I'd like to see my youngest reach her 20th birthday before I wilt and die. Let them fight and bicker at whatever meager amount left in my CPF account and the 3 miserable bangle and gold ring set in the pawnshop. I have nothing for them apart from the knowledge that I failed to be a good mom and provide the best for my children.

I take it all out on the kids. That's the reason why I cried myself to sleep every night. It's not their fault. I'm so stressed out that I took the cowards' way out by screaming at the kids. Why? Because I can't scream at their Dad.

I'm a lousy mother, a stupid wife and a disappointing daughter. I don't generate happiness. I don't radiate peacefulness. I'm only useful in conceiving children because I can get money from the government (baby bonus) which I will dutifully give to my husband and I'm also useful because I work and I can give my income to my husband every month.

I don't need to buy nice clothes because I'm not pretty and the clothes will look ugly on me. I don't need to save money because there is never enough for savings.

And my mother in law will forever blame me for causing her son's downfall because she is never aware that our financial situation is caused by her son in the first place. She will think that I horde my salary and let her own son suffer.

I don't need to justify. She will never believe what I said anyway.

Dear God, please give me strength. Please give me the courage to go on and be strong for my kids. Please give me patience and guidance. Please...