Sometimes I don't know why I do this to myself. Bygones should be left as bygones. History belonged to the past. Why dredge all the memories up when everyone around me has moved on? In other words, why can't I get a life?!!...
I thought I could get over it. God, it's been 16 years already! Why? I love inflicting this pain upon myself, it's almost becoming a passion.
I was assigned to Bishan campus to do auditing again. I prepared myself by downloading all those hits of 1993. Songs which brings so much memories just by the intro chords. The haunting tunes accompanied me in the long, familiar, slow walk from the MRT station to the school.
Walking beside the late comers reminded me so much of myself back then. Hearing their giggles and laughter, oblivious to the world and having so much fun invokes a flood of memories, that I actually cried by the time I reached the school gates. It was that painful.
At the gates, I hesitated before walking in. All those bittersweet memories just refused to go away. This is not the first time I've been here after I graduated. It's the third freakin' time. Why can't I just let it all go away?
Maybe deep inside, I still wished that I'm there experiencing it all over again. I wanted to turn back the clock so that I could re-live that moment all over again and perhaps not make the same mistakes I did back then. I wanted to feel that adrenaline rush again. That heart stopping moment when you had your first crush. The glow you get when your crush responded to you. The circle of friends around you offering their advice, lame jokes and beautiful friendship. The excitement of performing on stage in front of the whole school. The many hours spent practicing for an event or mugging for an important test.
Perhaps there were too many unanswered questions. Too many bittersweet memories overcrowding my senses. It's just too difficult to put it into words.
Somehow or rather, I managed to survive the entire day. I did not venture into the classrooms or the school canteen for fear of treading into the memory zone again and making myself cry in front of the hordes of teenages having the time of their lives.
I have to admit, I'm still living in the past. Maybe I should just quit and work somewhere. Move on with my life. Why subject myself to this misery time and time again? Because I couldn't help it. I am still lost in 1993. I couldn't move on. I've tried and failed miserably. I am still in love with 925, it hurts so much. There is no closure. We just drifted apart. Worst, he didn't even care and here I am hurting myself year in and out, celebrating the anniversary of the umbrella incident every year without fail. I would relive the moment starting at 6.30 in the morning. I would drown myself in those sorrowful tunes that makes me pine and ache for him. I missed him so much, it hurts...literally.
