Bullshit and Contemplations

"Kalau ada jodoh and both of us are single, will u marry me?"

Apart from the fact that he's 10 years too late, i couldn't for the life of me just act as if nothing major had happened. I stared at the message on my iphone in disbelief.

Tongue in cheek, I text back "yes".

He was elated!!

But of course, I doubt if it will ever happened. For one thing, both of us are very married to our spouses with enough offsprings to form half a football squad. At least he is. I would be if not for the constant fact that I didn't exactly have a say in my marriage. I don't make the decisions because my job is to provide the income and be a slave for the rest of my life. I didn't say 'domestic help' because at least those people get paid. I don't.

Anyway, here I am wondering what the heck happened to my resolution of not talking to him for the rest of my life. Whatever happened to that oath I made to myself to stay perpetually angry at him and to blame whatever misfortune that befell me and put it entirely on his shoulders. It was all his fault. It was his fault that he was never serious with me. It was all his fault that I ran into the arms of another man without thinking straight and got married without even thinking of the consequences.

Fifteen years have passed since that day we shared that first kiss in our dimly lit neighbourhood multi-storey car park at the motorcycle lot. So much things have happened since that 2 saturday afternoons' innocent picnic-slash-romp at West Coast park cumulating to that incident at East Coast beach where we shared a heightened passion so real, it was almost blinding. It took all our strength to pull away and I have felt GUILTY carved on my forehead ever since.

Nothing could ever replace that intimate moment and I have somehow managed to keep that memory safely locked away. Of course it all came tumbling back with that phone call he made. The elation I felt discovering that he knew I was mad at him for the past 10 years lasted all of 5 minutes. It didn't exactly make me gloat and go 'holier-than-thou' at him. The scathing remark I had kept brewing at the corner of my mind just waiting for the day that I would throw it all in his face remained where it was. What's the point? What will I gain?

Your guess is as good as mine. Absolutely nothing.

I Wonder

I've always wondered whatever happened to that guy I met back in early 92.
Average height, slim, tight butt (insert howl...)

His build makes him appear taller (check). Cute enough (check). Smart casuals carrying a Levis paper bag (check). Part-time sales probably. Like me. Killing time while waiting for the 'O' level results.

He boarded at Clementi station and sat opposite me. Our eyes met for a split second. Then we both looked away. A-w-k-w-a-r-d. It happened a few times throughout the ride. At Tanjong Pagar, the passenger beside me got off. Our eyes met yet again and he smiled. Wow...!!!!!

I smiled back and quickly looked away. What the heck do we do at situations like this?  I had tried so hard to maintain minimal facial movements up till then.

When the train neared Raffles Place, he straightened. His eyes met mine again, gaze-locking far longer than those constant few seconds we shared between Clementi and Tanjong Pagar. It's like we're both trying desperately to prolong that moment as long as we possibly can.

The train slowed as it approached the station. He slowly stood up to join the crowd at the door. The door opened, he lingered for a few seconds, smiled that gorgeous smile again before saying 'bye', walked out of the door and out of my life never to be seen ever again.