I'm feeling like shit right now.
I've hit my all time low.
My intention was to go there, grab the money and figure out a way to pay off the loan in comfortable monthly installments while pretending that life was fine as it is.
I was desperate and when you're desperate, you can do just about anything.
From the moment I stepped out of the cab in front of Cold Storage, I couldn't feel my heartbeat and I couldn't breathe. It didn't help when there was a bronze cab in front of me with an advertisement at the bumper that says "Catch Cheating Spouse". Something bubbled in my throat. It's either hysterical laughter or my breakfast that morning. Given another time when I would recall back fondly, I would have a good kick out of this memory. But at that particular moment, only God knew how I felt.
So there I was at Holland V Starbucks trying to find the staircase that will lead to the alfresco dining area upstairs. Last time I remembered, it was there but when I asked the barrista, all I got was a blank stare and a confused look. Apparantly, there was renovation going on upstairs because they blocked the narrow staircase with their condiments cabinet.
My text sounded panicky. He was still on his way and he told me to stay put, something of which I found impossible given the situation I was in. I kept scanning the main road for a bronze cab that will untimately result in my instant departure from this earth if the owner of the cab found out I was at Holland V and not at Tampines as I had told him earlier.
And yes, at that moment, I AM the Cheating Spouse.
But my intention was good.
I need the money.
I really, really NEED the money.
I was jittery and am definitely a perfect candidate for CID officers looking for contraband cigarettes under my bra.
He told me to walk slowly towards the back and look for Coffee Bean but he's not sure about the "alfresco upstairs" bit. So I picked my way with ridiculous, thin heels up the hilly slope. I asked a mid 40s tai-tai if there's a Coffee Bean around and she was like "you're standing next to it". Hah. Stupidity at it's maximus.
So I went in. It was very crowded and no, there were no alfresco upstairs. I was standing around the counter looking like a potted plant when I spotted a girl moving her Fujitsu notebook from the sofa and moved to a table nearby. I grabbed the sofa, strategically placed behind a row of plastic leaves and waited.
The lighting was soft and I knew it will hid the fresh pimple scar I had managed to get rid off a half and hour earlier while scrubbing my face frantically in front of the mirror in the Ladies at my office.
I sat back and scrolled my iBook, read two pages of Emma and gave up when I had no idea what Mr Knightley was saying. It was then when he walked in.
He was different. The years had been kind to him. A bit rounder but in a healthier, happier way.
We had iced mocha and he bought me a blueberry muffin. It was a long time since I indulged in something like this and it's a hell of a lot nicer since he's paying for it. No time to be embarrased. He wanted my time so he jolly well have to pay for it.
I just thought I could get the money and make my quick exit, but I didn't gamble on what my feelings and emotions were to experience next.
We spent 3 hours catching up. My eyes kept darting towards the entrance. I have a reason to be afraid and yes, I was very, very scared.
Too many things to say and no words could describe how I felt at that moment. I wasn't exactly flirting but I managed to act like a matured 36 year old without being flighty and nervous like a dizzy 16 year old schoolgirl.
Maybe it's my manner or the way I sat. Maybe it's how I talked and moved my hands elegantly while I spoke and not gesturing around wildly and poking the air with my fork while expressing my disgust in North Korea's future nuclear plans.
I acted like I sipped designer coffee every other afternoon at a swanky cafe.
Whatever I was showing him at that time was a total farce and of course, I didn't exactly fooled him. The tears gave it away. The emotions racing across my face was easy to read.
We spoke about the past, and how things would have been if I didn't acted irrationally and we didn't had that misunderstanding years ago. Things would be different if I were to let him explain his actions and not run off with a rebound guy who was kind enough to pick up the pieces but alas took you for granted and expected you to solve the worlds' problem for him.
Time flew by and before we knew it, it was time to go. I did not regret rejecting the money and he drove me back. What happened next was unexplainable and of course unforgivable. He asked for a kiss. For a moment, I felt like that 21 year old girl all those years ago. I lost my head. I coudn't remember what I did. One moment, my hand was on the door handle and the next, his lips were on mine.
I was back in 1995. I was the super eager virgin having her first kiss. Time stood still. It was how I've always remembered it. My left hand grabbed the back of his neck and it was then I realised that I had made a horrible mistake.
WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE???!!!.
It was difficult to control my emotions. I was a mess. He caught me at my most vulnerable moment and I totally loose it.
I told him I missed him and his eyes, Oh God, his eyes...!!..He was still in love with me..
Why?? Why must this happen at a time like this? My confusion, my financial problem that will result in me renting my unit and moving back to my mum's, my sister hating me for doing so because I'm reclaiming back my room (which is now her room).
My marriage is not even breaking up and there I was kissing my bloody ex boyfriend.
I couldn't accept the money he gave me and told him to forget about everything. I couldn't think straight. He told me that he will always be there if I needed him and I'm not to do anything stupid like jumping off buildings when I couldn't take it anymore.
At that moment, my boys' faces flashed before my eyes and I broke down. I managed a lame joke about him writing to my parents (that's another story, I'll blog about them later when I'm in a saner state of mind).
I walked straight but with the emotional turmoil boiling in me and the guilt written all over my face, it was all I could do not to fall over my thin heels. I glanced back but couldn't see his expression through the windscreen. The second time I looked, his Mazda3 was speeding away.
I hated myself. I deserved to be flogged to death.
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