Retribution

I'm worried.

I have not seen a doctor since I walked out from the ADC after my scan (confirming that baby is alright) a month ago. I walked out like a thief with my 2 boys away from the counter because I only have 5 cents in my wallet. I make a game out of it and whispered to the boys "ok, let's see who can walk the fastest out the nearest exit". They won ahead of me (I was waddling in my condition) but I applauded them for winning. They have no idea.

Three days later, a bill of $40 is demanded.

That and the final warning letter from the Polyclinic for $9.90 (mine) and $6.90 (my firstborn) was still left lying in my drawer at home.

This is not inclusive of the piles of warning letters, lawyer letters demanding payment for unpaid credit card bills and outstanding loans.

Not a day goes by that didn't see me shed at least one tear. How am I going to survive? What will I feed my children? How can I bring up baby knowing that I can't give her even the basic necessities? How will I clothe her? I can't even think of mittens and cute baby booties without bawling my eyes out.

Where did I go wrong? Is it because I'm not firm enough? Is it because I didn't issue enough warning? The stupid thing is, I knew this would happen. I have a bad feeling about this from day one. But sadly, dear hubby wouldn't listen. Even if he did, there will be 2 outcomes.

(1) He'll blame me for not motivating him.
(2) He'll just go ahead and do it.

Whatever it is, I always get the short end of the stick. Life isn't fair. But if it comes to the point where even the children have to suffer while you watch helplessly knowing that you can do something about it but couldn't because you're too stupid to go against your hubby's words/wishes.

The guilt that hung around me proving that I'm a lousy mother, a lousy wife and a lousy daughter is too much too bear. I have to be strong. I MUST be strong. There are no other options. But I just can't help it when I cried myself to sleep every night, when I weep in the shower or when I release the dam of tears in the privacy of the toilet cubicle at work and anywhere else without him knowing it.

I've always been a strong girl. I got dumped by boyfriends and the tears just stubbornly refused to flow. I was teased and ridiculed throughout my teenage years but I never cried at my fate.

So why do I feel so helpless now? Why does the thought of my own home, which was rented out and which I missed terribly, make me want to cry so much? Why does the thought of the memories of raising 2 adorable baby boys in the comfort of my own home and which I can no longer do with my soon-to-be-born girl makes me want to scream with frustration?

The people who share the same frustrations as me are my parents and siblings. But I was too proud to prove them right. I was too loyal to my hubby to say that yes I have been bullied and I've been living in denial all these years. I cannot let them know I'm suffering. Oh they're not stupid. They see. They know. And I know they know. THey know I'm cautious and they know I never bite the bullet. They know I'm thrifty and they know I earn enough because of my qualification.

Then why am I the one straddled with credit card debts? Why am I the one who has to foot the car servicing bills when the car is not even mine? Why am I the one who has to pay the chilren's fees and foot the household bills? Why am I the one in rags when I get 5K for my bonus? But so far they did not know that sometimes I have to give up a whole month's pay to hubby for his taxi rental.

Don't get me wrong. Hubby tried. He tried hard to give us a comfortable life but sometimes he just didn't earn enough. He get sick easily. Sometimes he started working in the late morning because of a bout of diarrhea. During school holidays, he will spend time with the kids. He didn't earn on saturdays and sundays because those are his rest days. Sometimes he puts in weekends when we have to pay a certain bill within 24 hours. But that is not an every week occurance.

My family chose not interfere. They did a few times but hubby couldn't take it and till this day, hated them very much.

I chose to keep quiet and will probably end up suffering for the rest of my life. If I am shunned by my own flesh and blood, so be it. Worse thing is, my MIL hated my parents. She resented them because now I have to resort to finding temporary shelter at her place, sending my kids there and soon, spending my confinement period there too.

I should be thankful that she welcomed us. But I'm used to my own home. Taking care of my own babies at home is what I'm supposed to do. Why am I living out of a suitcase like a nomad? Of course dear hubby would be more than happy because it is his home.

The recent news he delivered is; he didn't want to go back living in singapore. He says it's too expensive. It was my idea to run to JB temporarily until our financial problems are sorted out and we were desperate to get out of Singapore because I know he will suffer more if we stay longer at my parents' place. But I didn't intend to move there permanently. I couldn't bear to see the children suffer every day. But no, he wanted to and did not stop for once to ask my opinion on the matter. He kept insisting that he's doing it for us. But we all know he's doing it for himself.

I'm trapped like a rat in a cage. There is nothing I can do. Absolutely NOTHING.

There's just too many things happening to me at this time. I don't know if I can take it anymore. One of these days I'll just drop dead and everyone will heave a sigh of relief that I'm finally gone. Not that there's much wealth to go around in the first place. My CPF will be dry because I'm the one who pay for the house and there's $0 savings in the banks. The only valuables I have was my engagement ring and the 2 bangles for my dowry. Yup, those are in the pawnshop.

I am trapped and suffocating but or course no one should know.

The important thing now is to suffer in silence, cry (but try not to let hubby know)and pretend I'm happy when deep down I know I'm not.

I guess in a way, these are retributions for what I have done. A sort of atonement for all my sins and what an awful lot there are.