It's ok.
Now I see everything. Finally.
I approach you in my hour of need and I understand if you're sceptical about everything including my hysterical outburst.
You said you trust me. I get that.
It's him you don't trust. I get that loud and clear too.
You said you've spent some time thinking about it and you need to lay down the rules, terms and conditions. Fine. I like this approach. Professional. The more formal the terms are, the better it is for everyone.
And then you make me wait.
And wait.
And wait.
In typical "you" fashion, you disappeared. Just like how you did 12 years ago. You refused to commit and you fucking disappear!!..
Oh yes, I envy you. I envy your perfect life, your perfect wife, your perfect family. But not so much to the extend that I will want to ruin all that you've built. No, I refused to waste my time on such trivial issues.
I for one, do not subscribe to the theory of revenge. I believe that what goes around, comes around. You gave me false hopes about helping but ended up leaving me waiting. Just like how I waited for your phone calls, how I waited for your weekends off, how I waited for you to spend time with me and how I seemed to be perpetually waiting for you 12 years ago. Sorry. If you think I'd beg and grovel my way up to you this time, then you're wrong.
I don't mind if you do not wish to help. I don't mind if you casts opinions on myself and 'him'. But at least let me know. Just say it straight to my face "No. I can't help you". Finito. El fin. Die Ende. Rampung. The End.
I'm sure I'm matured enough to accept that. You think I'd stomp my feet and tease your cock for you? Oh please, you can be so fucking stupid at times.
But boy I sure love your stories. I love the way you say you toss your money around, like water from a faucet. You gave senior citizens hundreds during your raya visits. You change hundred dollar notes like nothing to gave alms to the kids. The way you describe your generosity exceeds even the wildest imagination. You gave support to helpless widows whose husbands left them because they (the widows) fuck around. You gave away your moollahs to help their children. You gave money to people who never pay you back. Of course you have the right to be suspicous and queried my actions.
I understand all that. Of course I want the terms and conditions if they're legal. I'll sign my name in blood if I have to. But you refused to let me know your terms. As I said, you left me waiting.
I dwelled on it and I don't need an ass's brain to tell me that one of your terms would involve something underneath my panties.
If you think I'd give it to you, then fuck you!! Twelve years ago, you're a lousy boyfriend. Sad to say, 12 years on, you turned out to be a lousy 'friend' too.
Don't bother looking up for me. You're as good as dead.
Because, men being men, at the end of the day, it's only their bloody balls that matters to them.
Have a nice fucking day.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Bad, bad, bad girl!!
I'm feeling like shit right now.
I've hit my all time low.
My intention was to go there, grab the money and figure out a way to pay off the loan in comfortable monthly installments while pretending that life was fine as it is.
I was desperate and when you're desperate, you can do just about anything.
From the moment I stepped out of the cab in front of Cold Storage, I couldn't feel my heartbeat and I couldn't breathe. It didn't help when there was a bronze cab in front of me with an advertisement at the bumper that says "Catch Cheating Spouse". Something bubbled in my throat. It's either hysterical laughter or my breakfast that morning. Given another time when I would recall back fondly, I would have a good kick out of this memory. But at that particular moment, only God knew how I felt.
So there I was at Holland V Starbucks trying to find the staircase that will lead to the alfresco dining area upstairs. Last time I remembered, it was there but when I asked the barrista, all I got was a blank stare and a confused look. Apparantly, there was renovation going on upstairs because they blocked the narrow staircase with their condiments cabinet.
My text sounded panicky. He was still on his way and he told me to stay put, something of which I found impossible given the situation I was in. I kept scanning the main road for a bronze cab that will untimately result in my instant departure from this earth if the owner of the cab found out I was at Holland V and not at Tampines as I had told him earlier.
And yes, at that moment, I AM the Cheating Spouse.
But my intention was good.
I need the money.
I really, really NEED the money.
I was jittery and am definitely a perfect candidate for CID officers looking for contraband cigarettes under my bra.
He told me to walk slowly towards the back and look for Coffee Bean but he's not sure about the "alfresco upstairs" bit. So I picked my way with ridiculous, thin heels up the hilly slope. I asked a mid 40s tai-tai if there's a Coffee Bean around and she was like "you're standing next to it". Hah. Stupidity at it's maximus.
So I went in. It was very crowded and no, there were no alfresco upstairs. I was standing around the counter looking like a potted plant when I spotted a girl moving her Fujitsu notebook from the sofa and moved to a table nearby. I grabbed the sofa, strategically placed behind a row of plastic leaves and waited.
The lighting was soft and I knew it will hid the fresh pimple scar I had managed to get rid off a half and hour earlier while scrubbing my face frantically in front of the mirror in the Ladies at my office.
I sat back and scrolled my iBook, read two pages of Emma and gave up when I had no idea what Mr Knightley was saying. It was then when he walked in.
He was different. The years had been kind to him. A bit rounder but in a healthier, happier way.
We had iced mocha and he bought me a blueberry muffin. It was a long time since I indulged in something like this and it's a hell of a lot nicer since he's paying for it. No time to be embarrased. He wanted my time so he jolly well have to pay for it.
I just thought I could get the money and make my quick exit, but I didn't gamble on what my feelings and emotions were to experience next.
We spent 3 hours catching up. My eyes kept darting towards the entrance. I have a reason to be afraid and yes, I was very, very scared.
Too many things to say and no words could describe how I felt at that moment. I wasn't exactly flirting but I managed to act like a matured 36 year old without being flighty and nervous like a dizzy 16 year old schoolgirl.
Maybe it's my manner or the way I sat. Maybe it's how I talked and moved my hands elegantly while I spoke and not gesturing around wildly and poking the air with my fork while expressing my disgust in North Korea's future nuclear plans.
I acted like I sipped designer coffee every other afternoon at a swanky cafe.
Whatever I was showing him at that time was a total farce and of course, I didn't exactly fooled him. The tears gave it away. The emotions racing across my face was easy to read.
We spoke about the past, and how things would have been if I didn't acted irrationally and we didn't had that misunderstanding years ago. Things would be different if I were to let him explain his actions and not run off with a rebound guy who was kind enough to pick up the pieces but alas took you for granted and expected you to solve the worlds' problem for him.
Time flew by and before we knew it, it was time to go. I did not regret rejecting the money and he drove me back. What happened next was unexplainable and of course unforgivable. He asked for a kiss. For a moment, I felt like that 21 year old girl all those years ago. I lost my head. I coudn't remember what I did. One moment, my hand was on the door handle and the next, his lips were on mine.
I was back in 1995. I was the super eager virgin having her first kiss. Time stood still. It was how I've always remembered it. My left hand grabbed the back of his neck and it was then I realised that I had made a horrible mistake.
WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE???!!!.
It was difficult to control my emotions. I was a mess. He caught me at my most vulnerable moment and I totally loose it.
I told him I missed him and his eyes, Oh God, his eyes...!!..He was still in love with me..
Why?? Why must this happen at a time like this? My confusion, my financial problem that will result in me renting my unit and moving back to my mum's, my sister hating me for doing so because I'm reclaiming back my room (which is now her room).
My marriage is not even breaking up and there I was kissing my bloody ex boyfriend.
I couldn't accept the money he gave me and told him to forget about everything. I couldn't think straight. He told me that he will always be there if I needed him and I'm not to do anything stupid like jumping off buildings when I couldn't take it anymore.
At that moment, my boys' faces flashed before my eyes and I broke down. I managed a lame joke about him writing to my parents (that's another story, I'll blog about them later when I'm in a saner state of mind).
I walked straight but with the emotional turmoil boiling in me and the guilt written all over my face, it was all I could do not to fall over my thin heels. I glanced back but couldn't see his expression through the windscreen. The second time I looked, his Mazda3 was speeding away.
I hated myself. I deserved to be flogged to death.
I've hit my all time low.
My intention was to go there, grab the money and figure out a way to pay off the loan in comfortable monthly installments while pretending that life was fine as it is.
I was desperate and when you're desperate, you can do just about anything.
From the moment I stepped out of the cab in front of Cold Storage, I couldn't feel my heartbeat and I couldn't breathe. It didn't help when there was a bronze cab in front of me with an advertisement at the bumper that says "Catch Cheating Spouse". Something bubbled in my throat. It's either hysterical laughter or my breakfast that morning. Given another time when I would recall back fondly, I would have a good kick out of this memory. But at that particular moment, only God knew how I felt.
So there I was at Holland V Starbucks trying to find the staircase that will lead to the alfresco dining area upstairs. Last time I remembered, it was there but when I asked the barrista, all I got was a blank stare and a confused look. Apparantly, there was renovation going on upstairs because they blocked the narrow staircase with their condiments cabinet.
My text sounded panicky. He was still on his way and he told me to stay put, something of which I found impossible given the situation I was in. I kept scanning the main road for a bronze cab that will untimately result in my instant departure from this earth if the owner of the cab found out I was at Holland V and not at Tampines as I had told him earlier.
And yes, at that moment, I AM the Cheating Spouse.
But my intention was good.
I need the money.
I really, really NEED the money.
I was jittery and am definitely a perfect candidate for CID officers looking for contraband cigarettes under my bra.
He told me to walk slowly towards the back and look for Coffee Bean but he's not sure about the "alfresco upstairs" bit. So I picked my way with ridiculous, thin heels up the hilly slope. I asked a mid 40s tai-tai if there's a Coffee Bean around and she was like "you're standing next to it". Hah. Stupidity at it's maximus.
So I went in. It was very crowded and no, there were no alfresco upstairs. I was standing around the counter looking like a potted plant when I spotted a girl moving her Fujitsu notebook from the sofa and moved to a table nearby. I grabbed the sofa, strategically placed behind a row of plastic leaves and waited.
The lighting was soft and I knew it will hid the fresh pimple scar I had managed to get rid off a half and hour earlier while scrubbing my face frantically in front of the mirror in the Ladies at my office.
I sat back and scrolled my iBook, read two pages of Emma and gave up when I had no idea what Mr Knightley was saying. It was then when he walked in.
He was different. The years had been kind to him. A bit rounder but in a healthier, happier way.
We had iced mocha and he bought me a blueberry muffin. It was a long time since I indulged in something like this and it's a hell of a lot nicer since he's paying for it. No time to be embarrased. He wanted my time so he jolly well have to pay for it.
I just thought I could get the money and make my quick exit, but I didn't gamble on what my feelings and emotions were to experience next.
We spent 3 hours catching up. My eyes kept darting towards the entrance. I have a reason to be afraid and yes, I was very, very scared.
Too many things to say and no words could describe how I felt at that moment. I wasn't exactly flirting but I managed to act like a matured 36 year old without being flighty and nervous like a dizzy 16 year old schoolgirl.
Maybe it's my manner or the way I sat. Maybe it's how I talked and moved my hands elegantly while I spoke and not gesturing around wildly and poking the air with my fork while expressing my disgust in North Korea's future nuclear plans.
I acted like I sipped designer coffee every other afternoon at a swanky cafe.
Whatever I was showing him at that time was a total farce and of course, I didn't exactly fooled him. The tears gave it away. The emotions racing across my face was easy to read.
We spoke about the past, and how things would have been if I didn't acted irrationally and we didn't had that misunderstanding years ago. Things would be different if I were to let him explain his actions and not run off with a rebound guy who was kind enough to pick up the pieces but alas took you for granted and expected you to solve the worlds' problem for him.
Time flew by and before we knew it, it was time to go. I did not regret rejecting the money and he drove me back. What happened next was unexplainable and of course unforgivable. He asked for a kiss. For a moment, I felt like that 21 year old girl all those years ago. I lost my head. I coudn't remember what I did. One moment, my hand was on the door handle and the next, his lips were on mine.
I was back in 1995. I was the super eager virgin having her first kiss. Time stood still. It was how I've always remembered it. My left hand grabbed the back of his neck and it was then I realised that I had made a horrible mistake.
WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE???!!!.
It was difficult to control my emotions. I was a mess. He caught me at my most vulnerable moment and I totally loose it.
I told him I missed him and his eyes, Oh God, his eyes...!!..He was still in love with me..
Why?? Why must this happen at a time like this? My confusion, my financial problem that will result in me renting my unit and moving back to my mum's, my sister hating me for doing so because I'm reclaiming back my room (which is now her room).
My marriage is not even breaking up and there I was kissing my bloody ex boyfriend.
I couldn't accept the money he gave me and told him to forget about everything. I couldn't think straight. He told me that he will always be there if I needed him and I'm not to do anything stupid like jumping off buildings when I couldn't take it anymore.
At that moment, my boys' faces flashed before my eyes and I broke down. I managed a lame joke about him writing to my parents (that's another story, I'll blog about them later when I'm in a saner state of mind).
I walked straight but with the emotional turmoil boiling in me and the guilt written all over my face, it was all I could do not to fall over my thin heels. I glanced back but couldn't see his expression through the windscreen. The second time I looked, his Mazda3 was speeding away.
I hated myself. I deserved to be flogged to death.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Jealous Much?
For the upteenth time, I wonder if i'm doing the right thing by opening a facebook account and adding all my ex secondary school friends in. It's like deja vu all over again. Me on the outside watching them with their perfect school bag, perfect stationeries, perfect clothes and perfect pocket allowance (otherwise, how could they afford all those esprits and G2000s?).
Five years in YHSS left nothing much to be mulled or mused over.
Once again I felt like the stranger I was back in school. Only difference is today, they have the perfect families, the perfect kids, the perfect husbands, the perfect private house, the perfect car and basically the perfect everything.
Maybe I should just quit FB and get on with my not-so-perfect life.
Five years in YHSS left nothing much to be mulled or mused over.
Once again I felt like the stranger I was back in school. Only difference is today, they have the perfect families, the perfect kids, the perfect husbands, the perfect private house, the perfect car and basically the perfect everything.
Maybe I should just quit FB and get on with my not-so-perfect life.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
I hear Voices
The office phone rang.
I absently picked up the receiver like how I would on any given day. But today, I got a shock that jolted me wide awake.
That voice. The boy couldn't have been more than 19.
The way he spoke. The lilt. The slang. The way some consonent in his words hit a high note at the oddest places. So much like my Salik.
My heart hit the roof of my mouth. I couldn't find my tongue. For one sick moment, I thought it was him. I thought I was back in 1993.
He was enquiring the status of his transcript. He claimed he was from ite macpherson. Dear God, that exact same place where Salik used to spend 2 years of his life doing something I think he regretted till this very day.
Memories came flooding in. What more can this innocent caller bring back from the depths of my best kept memories no matter how bitter?
I absently picked up the receiver like how I would on any given day. But today, I got a shock that jolted me wide awake.
That voice. The boy couldn't have been more than 19.
The way he spoke. The lilt. The slang. The way some consonent in his words hit a high note at the oddest places. So much like my Salik.
My heart hit the roof of my mouth. I couldn't find my tongue. For one sick moment, I thought it was him. I thought I was back in 1993.
He was enquiring the status of his transcript. He claimed he was from ite macpherson. Dear God, that exact same place where Salik used to spend 2 years of his life doing something I think he regretted till this very day.
Memories came flooding in. What more can this innocent caller bring back from the depths of my best kept memories no matter how bitter?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Bullshit and Contemplations
"Kalau ada jodoh and both of us are single, will u marry me?"
Apart from the fact that he's 10 years too late, i couldn't for the life of me just act as if nothing major had happened. I stared at the message on my iphone in disbelief.
Tongue in cheek, I text back "yes".
He was elated!!
But of course, I doubt if it will ever happened. For one thing, both of us are very married to our spouses with enough offsprings to form half a football squad. At least he is. I would be if not for the constant fact that I didn't exactly have a say in my marriage. I don't make the decisions because my job is to provide the income and be a slave for the rest of my life. I didn't say 'domestic help' because at least those people get paid. I don't.
Anyway, here I am wondering what the heck happened to my resolution of not talking to him for the rest of my life. Whatever happened to that oath I made to myself to stay perpetually angry at him and to blame whatever misfortune that befell me and put it entirely on his shoulders. It was all his fault. It was his fault that he was never serious with me. It was all his fault that I ran into the arms of another man without thinking straight and got married without even thinking of the consequences.
Fifteen years have passed since that day we shared that first kiss in our dimly lit neighbourhood multi-storey car park at the motorcycle lot. So much things have happened since that 2 saturday afternoons' innocent picnic-slash-romp at West Coast park cumulating to that incident at East Coast beach where we shared a heightened passion so real, it was almost blinding. It took all our strength to pull away and I have felt GUILTY carved on my forehead ever since.
Nothing could ever replace that intimate moment and I have somehow managed to keep that memory safely locked away. Of course it all came tumbling back with that phone call he made. The elation I felt discovering that he knew I was mad at him for the past 10 years lasted all of 5 minutes. It didn't exactly make me gloat and go 'holier-than-thou' at him. The scathing remark I had kept brewing at the corner of my mind just waiting for the day that I would throw it all in his face remained where it was. What's the point? What will I gain?
Your guess is as good as mine. Absolutely nothing.
Apart from the fact that he's 10 years too late, i couldn't for the life of me just act as if nothing major had happened. I stared at the message on my iphone in disbelief.
Tongue in cheek, I text back "yes".
He was elated!!
But of course, I doubt if it will ever happened. For one thing, both of us are very married to our spouses with enough offsprings to form half a football squad. At least he is. I would be if not for the constant fact that I didn't exactly have a say in my marriage. I don't make the decisions because my job is to provide the income and be a slave for the rest of my life. I didn't say 'domestic help' because at least those people get paid. I don't.
Anyway, here I am wondering what the heck happened to my resolution of not talking to him for the rest of my life. Whatever happened to that oath I made to myself to stay perpetually angry at him and to blame whatever misfortune that befell me and put it entirely on his shoulders. It was all his fault. It was his fault that he was never serious with me. It was all his fault that I ran into the arms of another man without thinking straight and got married without even thinking of the consequences.
Fifteen years have passed since that day we shared that first kiss in our dimly lit neighbourhood multi-storey car park at the motorcycle lot. So much things have happened since that 2 saturday afternoons' innocent picnic-slash-romp at West Coast park cumulating to that incident at East Coast beach where we shared a heightened passion so real, it was almost blinding. It took all our strength to pull away and I have felt GUILTY carved on my forehead ever since.
Nothing could ever replace that intimate moment and I have somehow managed to keep that memory safely locked away. Of course it all came tumbling back with that phone call he made. The elation I felt discovering that he knew I was mad at him for the past 10 years lasted all of 5 minutes. It didn't exactly make me gloat and go 'holier-than-thou' at him. The scathing remark I had kept brewing at the corner of my mind just waiting for the day that I would throw it all in his face remained where it was. What's the point? What will I gain?
Your guess is as good as mine. Absolutely nothing.
I Wonder
I've always wondered whatever happened to that guy I met back in early 92.
Average height, slim, tight butt (insert howl...)
His build makes him appear taller (check). Cute enough (check). Smart casuals carrying a Levis paper bag (check). Part-time sales probably. Like me. Killing time while waiting for the 'O' level results.
He boarded at Clementi station and sat opposite me. Our eyes met for a split second. Then we both looked away. A-w-k-w-a-r-d. It happened a few times throughout the ride. At Tanjong Pagar, the passenger beside me got off. Our eyes met yet again and he smiled. Wow...!!!!!
I smiled back and quickly looked away. What the heck do we do at situations like this? I had tried so hard to maintain minimal facial movements up till then.
When the train neared Raffles Place, he straightened. His eyes met mine again, gaze-locking far longer than those constant few seconds we shared between Clementi and Tanjong Pagar. It's like we're both trying desperately to prolong that moment as long as we possibly can.
The train slowed as it approached the station. He slowly stood up to join the crowd at the door. The door opened, he lingered for a few seconds, smiled that gorgeous smile again before saying 'bye', walked out of the door and out of my life never to be seen ever again.
Average height, slim, tight butt (insert howl...)
His build makes him appear taller (check). Cute enough (check). Smart casuals carrying a Levis paper bag (check). Part-time sales probably. Like me. Killing time while waiting for the 'O' level results.
He boarded at Clementi station and sat opposite me. Our eyes met for a split second. Then we both looked away. A-w-k-w-a-r-d. It happened a few times throughout the ride. At Tanjong Pagar, the passenger beside me got off. Our eyes met yet again and he smiled. Wow...!!!!!
I smiled back and quickly looked away. What the heck do we do at situations like this? I had tried so hard to maintain minimal facial movements up till then.
When the train neared Raffles Place, he straightened. His eyes met mine again, gaze-locking far longer than those constant few seconds we shared between Clementi and Tanjong Pagar. It's like we're both trying desperately to prolong that moment as long as we possibly can.
The train slowed as it approached the station. He slowly stood up to join the crowd at the door. The door opened, he lingered for a few seconds, smiled that gorgeous smile again before saying 'bye', walked out of the door and out of my life never to be seen ever again.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
That Roaming Ex
Stupid. Stupid. Fucking Stupid. The heck was I thinking? How could I be soooo stupid?
For 12 years I led him to believe that it was all his fucking fault. For 12 years he lived with this guilt that it was somehow his fault that I ended up like this. For 12 years I led him to believe that I was and am still angry with him.
In one moment of glory, I spill it all out and exactly like that day 12 years ago, I lay limp and useless. All gory details laid bare for him to see.
It's the roaming ex again. He wanted to add me on Facebook. I ignored him. Then I msgd "why?" to him before mentally kicking myself. Many months later, he msg me back to email him for updates. Just like nothing had ever happened.
So the emails went back and forth and we traded stories. We talked on the phone and before I knew it, I have forgiven him of his past sins and everybody was happy. What I didn't bet on was that the phone calls would dwindle and the emails would decrease before stopping altogether.
It was like 1996 all over again. The waiting, the anticipation of every phone call. The disappointment that the calls were not from him. The anger with yourself that you've given so much of yourself away. Argghh!!...I'm so Stuuupidddd!!!!...
For 12 years I led him to believe that it was all his fucking fault. For 12 years he lived with this guilt that it was somehow his fault that I ended up like this. For 12 years I led him to believe that I was and am still angry with him.
In one moment of glory, I spill it all out and exactly like that day 12 years ago, I lay limp and useless. All gory details laid bare for him to see.
It's the roaming ex again. He wanted to add me on Facebook. I ignored him. Then I msgd "why?" to him before mentally kicking myself. Many months later, he msg me back to email him for updates. Just like nothing had ever happened.
So the emails went back and forth and we traded stories. We talked on the phone and before I knew it, I have forgiven him of his past sins and everybody was happy. What I didn't bet on was that the phone calls would dwindle and the emails would decrease before stopping altogether.
It was like 1996 all over again. The waiting, the anticipation of every phone call. The disappointment that the calls were not from him. The anger with yourself that you've given so much of yourself away. Argghh!!...I'm so Stuuupidddd!!!!...
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