Dear Mom

Dear Mom

Hate to hurt your feelings. It pains me to see you sad and disappointed with me. The resignation in your face tore my heart away. It's him. He made me hurt you. He made me into a monster. Into what I am today. He made me submit, weak and helpless. He stamped my freedom and he broke me. Turned me into what I am today - a worthless piece if shit. Forgive me for I have sinned. Forgive me for abandoning you in your twilight years. You have given me life and this is how I repay you. Dear God. Give her peace.  Grant her wishes and place upon her among your faithfuls.

He only thinks of himself. How hurt he was by your actions. He didn't think how hurt I would be. He didn't consider the fact that I have feelings too. He didn't know all these because I was too stupid to open my mouth.

I let him rule me. I let him decide. The clothes I wear, the way I talk, the money I earned, even the way I sneezed.

I am trapped. Helpless. There is no way out because I'll be at the losing end.

After life with him, I thought love didn't exist anymore. There is no such thing. I forgot about your unconditional love. I forgot about how the kids love me too although I'm always losing patience with them.

I regret being like this. Being the worthless thing that I am. I just want you to know that you're a good woman.

I love you mum...

Return of the Living Dead

That number again. Was at my uppity, bestest mood and the caller ID showed that bloody number under 'missed calls'. What the Fuck!!.. Oh I know that number alright. After 1 year of silence, his royal highness decided to call and ask wassup(?) like nothing had happened. Am I supposed to return that call? Of course not! Am not wasting my time. He can go fuck a camel for all I care. Bloody emmeffing shit.!!!

And so it was fated that I have to accidentally returned his call this morning because I seriously thought it was a client's number (really...it was an innocent company number.!) and guess who picked up the phone? Of course I was reluctant to talk but since he finally got my attention I figured it's high time I give him a piece of my mind and have fun at the same time. Hah! Let him sweat....

First up was the monosyllabic moronic response. How are you? Fine. How's everything? Fine. How's life? Ok. Where are you staying? Somewhere. Macam tak suka je? Tau takpe.

It was then that I brought out the big guns. What a heady feeling! That was like the best tele-orgasm of my life! Finally!! All those months of resentment, tsk tsk..

His excuses were lame and pathetic. As usual. I'm not going to bow down to this. Not anymore. It's bad enough I'm nothing but a stupid wife to a husband who bullies me, I'm not going to add stupid dumbass to that list too. But then again, stupid dumbass has already made it's way to the list because my husband always says I'm stupid anyway.

Goodbye my once, sweet romeo. I'll bet sex with you will be as hot as when we make out back in '96. But I'm also betting that life with you will be the same bloody shit as it already is for me now.

I don't want to hear from you and I don't care what the fuck you felt about me. You've abandoned me twice and whatever promises you made - well, you can just jolly well shove it up your own ass!!

What makes you think I'm crawling back meekly into your arms? What makes you think I will love you again the way I did blindly ages ago when I was a very virgin 21 year old? What makes you think I will sit by the phone and willed it to ring hoping that it was you on the other line like how I did stupidly long, long ago? What makes you think that I think so highly of you now that you've proven what an arsehole you really are?

I hate you and I don't want to see or hear from you ever again. Ever!!!

Have a nice fucking life!!..

Sins of a Lesser Being

Take all the blame. It's your fault anyway. Atone for all your sins. You deserve whatever that has befallen you. Who says you deserve happiness? There is never such a thing. Happiness is when everyone else is happy. You just stand on the fringes - if they let you. Otherwise your existence is only to be tolerated. Like the much needed domestic help. If you've served your time, they'll just send you away. 

You're never of much use anyway. You are brainless and stupid. Your purpose in this world is to work and submit all your income to the relevant party.  You produce so that others will be happy. You have no say in this matter for you have all hell to pay if you ever open your stinky mouth. 

You are nothing to them. You will serve your time until you are no longer useful. Your bones will be weak and you'll be kicked out of the workforce. 

For a short period they will love you for the savings that can finally be withdrawn. Once that ran out, you are back to the worthless creature that you are and find yourself standing on the fringe again waiting to meet your creator, ever hopeful that your past sins didn't catch up with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm tired. Just tired. I never had it easy but I'm not complaining.

Someone told me that the reason why we're tested is because the Almighty knows we're strong enough to face it. That explains why others are lucky all the time. It's because they're weak - really.

I don't know how long I can last in this. But I must be grateful that at least I'm not living under a bridge somewhere in a third world country.

Why me?

There is a permanent frown etched on my forehead. I can't get rid of it. I noticed it one morning when I actually stopped to properly looked at myself in the mirror in all my just-woke-up-from-sleep glory. It's been a long time since I properly scanned my face. Blackheads galore. Am not a teenager and don't care anymore. Have got tones of work to do and no time to give each screaming blackhead the attention they need. Puffy eyes from crying before I sleep. - it;s becoming a ritual, the crying.

Black rings under my eyes, lips which can't find any reason to curve upwards anymore and those, sad, empty eyes. To top it off, that new addition on my forehead. Years of 'guilt' carved there and bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders without complaining has taken it's toll. I give myself another 20 years or so. I'd like to see my youngest reach her 20th birthday before I wilt and die. Let them fight and bicker at whatever meager amount left in my CPF account and the 3 miserable bangle and gold ring set in the pawnshop. I have nothing for them apart from the knowledge that I failed to be a good mom and provide the best for my children.

I take it all out on the kids. That's the reason why I cried myself to sleep every night. It's not their fault. I'm so stressed out that I took the cowards' way out by screaming at the kids. Why? Because I can't scream at their Dad.

I'm a lousy mother, a stupid wife and a disappointing daughter. I don't generate happiness. I don't radiate peacefulness. I'm only useful in conceiving children because I can get money from the government (baby bonus) which I will dutifully give to my husband and I'm also useful because I work and I can give my income to my husband every month.

I don't need to buy nice clothes because I'm not pretty and the clothes will look ugly on me. I don't need to save money because there is never enough for savings.

And my mother in law will forever blame me for causing her son's downfall because she is never aware that our financial situation is caused by her son in the first place. She will think that I horde my salary and let her own son suffer.

I don't need to justify. She will never believe what I said anyway.

Dear God, please give me strength. Please give me the courage to go on and be strong for my kids. Please give me patience and guidance. Please...

Birthday Fuss

Selfish
Men can be selfish bastards sometimes.

I wish he's working a full time job with CPF and proper colleagues with regular lunch hours and suitable office hours so that there wouldn't be SMSs on my handphone reminding me that he's horny and wanted a quickie with me. Hello. Some people have to work. Some people have to earn money.

Of course he has all the time in the world when he's driving his cab. He can get horny at odd times and although he didn't ask for it will subtly remind me that he needs a release. That would mean I have to take half day off or something (nevermind the fact that I'm super busy and I'm letting others do my dirty work) because I have to do what a wife is supposed to do, no matter what time of the day it was.

Yes, sometimes we would have a quickie. But most of the time, I'd end up at home cooking a late lunch or early dinner, clean up the house and basically doing household chores when there are tonnes of work to do in the office. I wasted 21 days of my annual leave by early June on stupid things like these. Why? Why am I a selfless bitch?

I hate it when he's driving that cab. I like it when he's working properly. He wouldn't be distracted like this. Although he wouldn't demand that I take leave from work, his hidden words must be understood. I must "volunteer" to take leave and attend to his needs (whatever that may be). Oh he will say things like "If cannot, then nevermind" but I know him. I've know him for 11 fucking years. I must be clever enough to read between the lines and normally, the messages in between are never at my advantage.

He is the type of person who will never listen to my advice until he fall flat on his face and broke his bloody nose. Then, he will say, hmm, perhaps, I shouldn't be doing this. Sometimes, he wouldn't learn a lesson at all and starts blaming others if things do not work out. He'll claim that society is against him, the government is against him, I am against him, the postman that delivers the registered mail is against him. Heck, even the frozen chicken wings in the freezers are against him.

I'm not saying he's selfish per se. I mean, his generosity (if he has money in his pockets) go beyond words. In fact he is not selfish with money. It's his selfishness towards others and me in particular that I can't take at times.

I realised after years of marriage that he took after his father. The old man is generous. Really. I love it when he told me to go to the shops, buy him stuff and keep the change. His dad and him. They're overly generous with money. But sometimes, I just don't understand why they are very particular with birthdays.

I have to remember his birthday or I'll have hell to pay. It happened before and because I don't have money (he took my whole month's salary to pay off his cab rental) and I didn't get him anything, he created such a huge fuss that I have to burn the $15 left in my wallet on chicken rice for him and the kids (nothing for me because I just watch them eat) at JP Banquet. I remembered that night. I had to apologise for not saying Happy Birthday to him. I was left with nothing for lunch and an empty wallet the next day but I'm happy because at least he's no longer angry with me.

His father is very old with a lot of health problems. But I admire his ability to tune out my MIL's nagging. Yesterday was laughable at best. The day before, he had confided in me on his intention of celebrating his birthday at Furama Hotel. Nevermind the fact that it's a buffet and he was on urine tube and couldn't even walk a few metres without toppling over. Nevermind also that he's just freshly out of the hospital after staying there for 9 days because he slipped on his own urine. Nevermind all these because it is his birthday and he wanted to celebrate it with his children. I knew the hopelessness of his plans but I just kept mum.

I don't know what my father-in-law has with birthdays. I mean, if it were me, I'd be terrified. Here I am with poor health, left with at most a few years left in this world, watching TV from dawn to dusk, not bothering to read the Quran or pray thanking Allah s.w.t for every blessed day that I'm allowed to breathe in this earth. I wouldn't be bothering about birthdays. It will be the furthest thing in my mind. Definitely.

So it came as no surprise when my MIL (who is on chemotherapy and just recovered from a major surgery as well) went all out to scold my FIL. She wasted no time in scolding him for making such a fuss about his birthday but never bothering to think of the hereafter. There's a reason Allah extend our life in this earth. There's a reason for being blessed with one more day to live. My poor FIL shed silent tears. He can be so stubborn sometimes but my MIL is right. I wish he would stop about these birthday nonsense. The psychologist in me deduced it as a cry for attention but the cynic says he deserved it because hey, I wasn't raised up in this kind of family environment which is semi-dysfunctional at best. My husband was not sympathetic either because he's a lifetime supporter of my MIL. But then again, that's his father and he's already inherited the bad things from him whether he realised it or not.

And so we ended up ordering pizzas and FIL paying for it. My MIL went on and on about him selfishly thinking of his birthday but not thinking of his deathday. I hope and prayed I wouldn't end up like him. My husband? Oh, I would definitely place my bet on him. I'd probably be long dead and rotten before he turned 76 years old and making a huge fuss to his kids about his birthday. I wouldn't be there to chide him because I never chided him since I'm his stupid wife and I'm nowhere like his mother. He'll be luckier because no one would nag at him because you see, the women in my family never lived passed 69. They spend their entire lives being slaves to selfish men and after menopause just wilted away and die. Just like how I'm going to end up one of these days.

But you get a few laughs here and there no doubt. But never, ever let the selfish men know what you're laughing about. They're too selfish and self-centered to bother about your feelings anyway.

Si Bodoh

Kadang2 memang aku benci dengan dia.

Bukan benci orangnya tapi perangainya. Macam tak serik2. Wahai Encik Agen Rumah. Saya harap awak akan nasihat suami saya cukup2 tentang hasrat dia yang tinggi menggunung untuk membeli rumah privet.

Hairan aku. Sedangkan CPF dia sendiri dah haus. Aku sorang2 yang finance rumah 5 bilik tu. Abih berangan nak beli condo? Siapa nak bayar cik abang oi, kalau tak bini cik abang yang sentiasa taat dan bodoh ni? Selama ni pun aku bagi dia dengar apa yang dia hendak dengar. Seperti?

Dia: You ok ke tak kita go ahead with these?
Aku: (dalam hati) kalau tak ok apa pulak? (aloud) OK

Padahal Tuhan je tau darah nanah dah membuak2 dalam hati ni. Tinggal nak kena muntahkan je. Tak tau bila.

Sebab aku buat perkara bodoh di atas? Kerana kalau aku kata "NOT OK", ceritanya nanti tak akan habis. Mula2 dia kata kenapa? Bila aku explain dia kata explanation aku tak bernas. Tu pun kalau dia bagi aku chance to explain. Kadang2 tak payah explain. Dia buat muka masam. Berhari2 dia merajok. Tu takpe, kalau dah merajok, anak2 aku jadi mangsa. Dia kalau marahkan aku, dia hampuk budak2 tu sekali. Kesian. Selalunya, kalau aku nak avoid this scene, aku akan iyakan je apa dia nak walaupun firasat, naluri perempuan ku kata "Beware!!....Danger!!..Ni Kerja Gila!!". Sebab aku nak dia bahagia. Bila dia happy, he will treat us nicely. Budak2 pun happy. And everybody pun happy. Aku lain. Happy di luar tapi nangis di dalam. All because aku tak nak dia marah2 kat aku and the kids.

Kenapa aku ni bodoh sangat? Ibarat lilin yang menerangi hidop orang lain tapi diri sendiri terbakar?

Incident? Apa incident2 yang berlaku yang mendorong aku tulis kat sini?

1) Dia punya Credit Card
Dulu masa blom kahwin/baru2 kahwin, dia ada apply credit card. Walaupun masa tu dia dapat durian runtuh 30K. Dia lupa yang dia cuma earn 30K pada tahun tu je. Tahun sebelum dan selepasnya dia tak akan earn more than that sebab dia hanya sekadar operator pengeluaran di kilang. Aku tak pernah menghina dia. Aku ikhlas kahwin dengan orang yang rajin, walaupun pelajaran dia tak tinggi. Aku tertarik dengan sikapnya yang penyayang. Aku benci dengan sikapnya yang lupa bila duit ada di genggaman.

Aku cuba nasihat. Dia tempelak balik kat aku. Dia kata dia boleh afford. Bank dah approve. Of course lah bank approve. Your income statement for that year is more than enough. Bank tak tau yang kau dah spend almost all the 30k. How stupid can you be? But no, you wouldn't listen to me. You go ahead. Bila you give me supplementary card and I decline, you said "Kau memang perempuan yang tak sedar untung". Aku masih ingat lagi kata2 ni walaupun 11 tahun dah berlalu.

Memang betol jangkaan ku. Dia tak dapat bayar balik hutang credit card. Dia suroh aku amik loan 10K tutop lobang ni. Tapi dia bukak lobang lain. In the end, mak dia bayarkan 16K for Citibank dan dia kena hampok cukup2 dengan mak dia. Tapi sayangnya, ada lagi credit card yang dia tak declare dengan mak dia, so kena mintak nasihat peguam/penasihat yang tolong settlekan crisis kita dengan bank berkenaan. Last2 pun aku kena bayar duit penasihat tu. Hutang dia dengan bank tu? Dari anak sulung aku umor 3 tahun sampailah kawan tu umor 9 tahun. Baru langsai semua. Dan aku masih lagi kena settlekan loan 10K aku. Siapa yang bodoh? Aku.

2) LGM
Ni lagi satu punya sial. Kita dua orang tengah jalan2 kat Orchard. Kena tahan orang conduct survey. Kena dudok dalam hall abih kena psycho beli rumah kat Austria. Kena bayar duit. Aku tak kisah. Member pakai 3K duit dia dari 30K durian runtuh dia tu. Tapi bulan2 kena bayar $300. Aku dah warning cakap "No". We were co-erced into buying tapi we can always say no and get out. Tapi member termakan taktik sales kotor diaorang. The next day aku gadoh besar dengan dia sampai masok office lambat semata2 aku kata "why are we buying this unit?" Last2 aku terpaksa jugak agree since dia kata dia yang nak bayar bukan aku. Fine.

End up, kita kena tipu lagi bila dorang suroh kita tukar kepada Concepts Vacation, abih ntah apa2 lagi lah. Dari rumah kat Austria, jadik condo kat Australia, abih ntah apa lagi aku pun tak tau end up aku jugak yang kena bayar $350 bulan2 sebab laki aku ni dah takde duit (30K dah habis pun). Empat tahun aku merana dengan LGM sial ni. Satu habok pun tarak. Action konon nak pegi holiday kat Australia. Porah!!. Siapa yang bodoh dalam perkara ni? Aku jugak.

3) Kereta
Ni susah sikit nak argue sebab mula2 aku memang dah kata "No, we can't afford it". Tapi waktu tu dah malam. Anak aku dah tidor dan bila dia dengar aku kata "No", mata dia dah belolok besar dan dia kata "BOLEH!!!". Aku diam je lah. Kang malam2 buta dia loktang, susah jugak aku. Seperti biasa, aku matikan diri. Buat bodoh. Tapi aku research dalam diam. Aku tau kereta bukan sekadar bayaran ansuran bulan2. Kereta kena road tax & insurance. Walaupun setahun sekali tapi kalau tak ada simpanan dan proper planning, mana kau nak korek duit insurance selepuk? Kita sendiri hidop cukup2 makan. Macam mana nak menabong? Tiap2 tahun bila part nak renew insurance dia pikiran. Nasib baik aku ada bonus tengah tahun. Dulu insurance boleh bayar ansuran tapi sekarang dah tak boleh unless paid by credit card. Tu baru soal insurance. Belom lagi soal carpark, coupon OPC, saman, servicing, tukar tayar dll.

Aku mengaku kereta tu memang banyak berjasa kat aku. Semasa aku nak beranak dulu pun dia yang tolong aku hantar pegi hospital. Aku boleh pergi menziarah dengan kereta tu. Memang berguna. Dulu memang kita boleh settle sebab laki aku kerja tetap. Sejak 2-3 tahun kebelakangan ni, rasa2 macam aku je yang kena korban tiap2 kali soal insurance kereta muncul.

4) Credit Card Si Bodoh
Ni kali aku yang betol2 bodoh. Dia suroh aku apply. Aku ikotkan sebab aku tak nak anak2 aku merana kalau bapak dia marah2 kat aku. Kerana gaji dah lebih 30K setahun, aku terpaksa akur. Dengan berat hati, aku apply. Dalam hati ni cakap "Woi Bengang!! Tak serik2 ke?!!! Siapa nak tolong kau kalau kena bayar balik hutang2 ni? Mak dia dulu banyak duit boleh tolong dia. Mak bapak kau mana ada duit nak tolong kau?" Suara hati aku lancang mengherdik tapi sebab aku takotkan laki aku, terpaksa aku turutkan.

Memang dari luar aku nampak happy sebab aku suka kalau dia happy. Dia juga promise nak tolong aku settle. Oh waktu tu dunia dia yang punya. Pergi holiday, belanja, jalan2, happy2. Sebab aku cuma tinggal "sign je". Bila duit dah habis, bill dah masok, mulalah menggelabah. Siapa kena settle hutang2 ygn mencecah 20K lebih? Ya...si Bodoh ni jugak.

5) Teksi
Lima tahun yang lalu, masa anak kedua aku baru umor setahun, dia belajar amik lesen teksi. Memang tekun. Aku suka kalau dia tekun dan bersungguh2 buat sesuatu. Tapi aku tak tau yang I have to bear the consequences. Tup2 dia kata dia nak jadik cabbie full time. Aku terperanjat berok sial.

Cabbie? Full time? Kalau kerja production sekurang2nya ada MC, ada Cuti, ada CPF. Ni full time cabbie apa ada? Aku diam je. Tak banyak songeh sebab aku tau kalau aku bukak mulut memang perang besar. He is aware that I am not happy. Dia sendiri bilang aku yang dia perasan yang aku "tak berapa suka". Sekali lagi aku diam. Tak kuasa nyah. Lagipun aku try to think positive. Apek2 teksi driver anak2 dorang pergi university. Bini dorang tak kerja. Kawan aku sendiri adek bradek 5 semua kerja kencang2, abang dia pilot kapal terbang lagi semua hasil titik peloh bapak dia yg bawak teksi. Lagipun laki aku convince aku pasal peak hour, perancangan masa dan macam2 lagi. Lagi best dia kata dia boleh bawak balik 2K sebulan. Wow!..2K eh.. orait ar.

Tapi sebelum tu, boleh tak aku pinjamkan $500 untuk dia bayar deposit teksi? Nanti dapat duit kicap dia bayar balik lah. Aku memang tak pernah harap dia bayar balik so aku kira $500 tu burn suah lah. So, isteri yang taat setia ni hulurkan lah $500 deposit. (Memang betol, dia tak bayar balik pun)

Bulan pertama ok. Dia rajin sebab excited lah katakan. Semangat berkobar2. Hidong kembang kuncup dapat pegang cash in hand. Tapi seperti yang aku jangkakan, laki aku sekali lagi cuma nampak luaran. Dia lupa teksi ni kena tolak duit sewa dan duit minyak. Kita kena rajin sebab kalau ikot office hour, memang tak cukup. Dia kata dia letih bawak lama2. Memang to be fair, aku tak paksa dia kerja terok2. Pas tu dia kena hospitalised. Bukan sekali tapi dua tahun berturut2 dia kena tumbuhan yang sama kat kelengkang dia. Kalau dah hospitalised, kurang2 tiga minggu baru boleh bawak teksi. Dalam 3 minggu tu aku anak beranak makan sop je lah. Tapi aku bersyukur sekurang2nya aku masih ada lagi income untuk tolong settlekan mana2 yang tak cukup.

Dah 5 tahun laki aku bawak teksi. Tiap2 kali dia tukar teksi kena bayar deposit dan tiap2 kali tu jugak aku kena sponsor. Tu takpe, CPF dia dah kering. Medisave sekarang kena top-up lagi 2K. Aku sorang2 kena finance rumah HDB tu. Abih bill Api Air, Cable, Internet, Telephone, Service and Conservancy, Handphone dah mula belonggok tak boleh settle sebab kalau harapkan gaji aku memang tak cukup. Tu blom masok bill credit card aku. Tapi pantang nenek moyang dia kalau aku complain. So aku telan je. Dah lah tu, rental teksi pun dia tak bayar sebab nak bayar benda lain. Last2 aku jugak kena cover bayar dia punya teksi rental. Ayat yang dia paling pantang dengar "You tak bawak teksi niari?". Awas kalau tersebut ayat tu pada hujung minggu. Confirm loktang punya.

Aku takot nak nangis depan dia sebab dia kata nak bunuh diri. Gila kan? Kalau nak bunuh diri apasal nak babitkan bini dengan anak2? Kau yang pandai2 buat decision tak pikir masa depan abih nak commit suicide sama2 konon. Fucking bullshit lah. Nak sangat mati sesat?

So aku pikol lah semua ni sorang2. Nangis sorang2. Stress sorang2. Dia tak perlu tau. Siapa yang bodoh? Aku jugak.

6) Sewa
Sekarang ni aku anak beranak dudok merempat. Sewakan rumah pindah rumah mak bapak aku konon. Mula2 ok lah. Tapi bila mak bapak aku mula tak happy dengan ke'malas'an dia, dan buat muka masam, dia dah tak happy. Dia demand kenapa mak bapak aku camni. Dipendekkan cerita end up aku tinggalkan keluarga aku demi suami tercinta dan dudok kat JB. Tapi masalah tetap tak settle. Anak aku sampai quit madrasah sebab tak bayar fees. Yuran kindergarden anak bongsu aku pun dah 2 bulan tertunggak tak settle.

Abih dalam perot ni ada lagi satu nak keluar. Aku bingung. Perasaan aku tertekan. Aku marah, sedih, geram dengan keadaan aku sekarang. Sampaikan aku tak terpikir langsong nak beli baju baby. Seluar aku yg dah sendat aku terpaksa tampal dengan stokin anak aku kat bahagian pinggang sebab tak mampu nak beli seluar maternity. Nak beli suar dalam pun pikir 10 kali. Aku takot tak cukup duit.

Laki aku tetap dengan sikap dia. Dia akan bawak teksi tapi bila aku gaji, dia slack. Bila nak dapat duit kicap $400, dia slack. Bila duit sewa rumah masok, pun dia slack. End up 70% of our income pegi kat duit rental teksi dia. Cam ni bila nak game?

Aku dah bosan. Ikotkan hati memang aku nak lari bawak anak2 aku. Tapi pikir2 balik, dia memang suami yang baik. Dia pandai amik hati aku if he make the effort. Dia sorang je yang nak kan aku sebab jantan2 keparat lain tak nak. Dia baik dengan anak2 aku. Cuma sifat pemalas dia ni yang aku tak boleh angkat. Oops "pemalas" tu tak boleh cakap kuat2. Pantang.

--------

Aku dah penat. Dah tak larat nak bergadoh lagi. Sekurang2 nya keturunan aku perempuan2nya tak hidop sampai 70. Dia punya lain. Dah 90 pun masih liat tak mau gol2. Dah nasib aku macam gini. Dah bahagian aku kat sini. Kerjalah aku sampai dapat CPF yang tak seberapa sen tu. Hidop si Bodoh tak mencapai impiannya dan mati terbongkang cam tu je. Kerja macam nak mampos untuk kesenangan orang lain. Tapi takpelah, at least dia happy sebab dapat bini bodoh yang tak banyak songeh...

Retribution

I'm worried.

I have not seen a doctor since I walked out from the ADC after my scan (confirming that baby is alright) a month ago. I walked out like a thief with my 2 boys away from the counter because I only have 5 cents in my wallet. I make a game out of it and whispered to the boys "ok, let's see who can walk the fastest out the nearest exit". They won ahead of me (I was waddling in my condition) but I applauded them for winning. They have no idea.

Three days later, a bill of $40 is demanded.

That and the final warning letter from the Polyclinic for $9.90 (mine) and $6.90 (my firstborn) was still left lying in my drawer at home.

This is not inclusive of the piles of warning letters, lawyer letters demanding payment for unpaid credit card bills and outstanding loans.

Not a day goes by that didn't see me shed at least one tear. How am I going to survive? What will I feed my children? How can I bring up baby knowing that I can't give her even the basic necessities? How will I clothe her? I can't even think of mittens and cute baby booties without bawling my eyes out.

Where did I go wrong? Is it because I'm not firm enough? Is it because I didn't issue enough warning? The stupid thing is, I knew this would happen. I have a bad feeling about this from day one. But sadly, dear hubby wouldn't listen. Even if he did, there will be 2 outcomes.

(1) He'll blame me for not motivating him.
(2) He'll just go ahead and do it.

Whatever it is, I always get the short end of the stick. Life isn't fair. But if it comes to the point where even the children have to suffer while you watch helplessly knowing that you can do something about it but couldn't because you're too stupid to go against your hubby's words/wishes.

The guilt that hung around me proving that I'm a lousy mother, a lousy wife and a lousy daughter is too much too bear. I have to be strong. I MUST be strong. There are no other options. But I just can't help it when I cried myself to sleep every night, when I weep in the shower or when I release the dam of tears in the privacy of the toilet cubicle at work and anywhere else without him knowing it.

I've always been a strong girl. I got dumped by boyfriends and the tears just stubbornly refused to flow. I was teased and ridiculed throughout my teenage years but I never cried at my fate.

So why do I feel so helpless now? Why does the thought of my own home, which was rented out and which I missed terribly, make me want to cry so much? Why does the thought of the memories of raising 2 adorable baby boys in the comfort of my own home and which I can no longer do with my soon-to-be-born girl makes me want to scream with frustration?

The people who share the same frustrations as me are my parents and siblings. But I was too proud to prove them right. I was too loyal to my hubby to say that yes I have been bullied and I've been living in denial all these years. I cannot let them know I'm suffering. Oh they're not stupid. They see. They know. And I know they know. THey know I'm cautious and they know I never bite the bullet. They know I'm thrifty and they know I earn enough because of my qualification.

Then why am I the one straddled with credit card debts? Why am I the one who has to foot the car servicing bills when the car is not even mine? Why am I the one who has to pay the chilren's fees and foot the household bills? Why am I the one in rags when I get 5K for my bonus? But so far they did not know that sometimes I have to give up a whole month's pay to hubby for his taxi rental.

Don't get me wrong. Hubby tried. He tried hard to give us a comfortable life but sometimes he just didn't earn enough. He get sick easily. Sometimes he started working in the late morning because of a bout of diarrhea. During school holidays, he will spend time with the kids. He didn't earn on saturdays and sundays because those are his rest days. Sometimes he puts in weekends when we have to pay a certain bill within 24 hours. But that is not an every week occurance.

My family chose not interfere. They did a few times but hubby couldn't take it and till this day, hated them very much.

I chose to keep quiet and will probably end up suffering for the rest of my life. If I am shunned by my own flesh and blood, so be it. Worse thing is, my MIL hated my parents. She resented them because now I have to resort to finding temporary shelter at her place, sending my kids there and soon, spending my confinement period there too.

I should be thankful that she welcomed us. But I'm used to my own home. Taking care of my own babies at home is what I'm supposed to do. Why am I living out of a suitcase like a nomad? Of course dear hubby would be more than happy because it is his home.

The recent news he delivered is; he didn't want to go back living in singapore. He says it's too expensive. It was my idea to run to JB temporarily until our financial problems are sorted out and we were desperate to get out of Singapore because I know he will suffer more if we stay longer at my parents' place. But I didn't intend to move there permanently. I couldn't bear to see the children suffer every day. But no, he wanted to and did not stop for once to ask my opinion on the matter. He kept insisting that he's doing it for us. But we all know he's doing it for himself.

I'm trapped like a rat in a cage. There is nothing I can do. Absolutely NOTHING.

There's just too many things happening to me at this time. I don't know if I can take it anymore. One of these days I'll just drop dead and everyone will heave a sigh of relief that I'm finally gone. Not that there's much wealth to go around in the first place. My CPF will be dry because I'm the one who pay for the house and there's $0 savings in the banks. The only valuables I have was my engagement ring and the 2 bangles for my dowry. Yup, those are in the pawnshop.

I am trapped and suffocating but or course no one should know.

The important thing now is to suffer in silence, cry (but try not to let hubby know)and pretend I'm happy when deep down I know I'm not.

I guess in a way, these are retributions for what I have done. A sort of atonement for all my sins and what an awful lot there are.