I've always wondered whatever happened to that guy I met back in early 92.
Average height, slim, tight butt (insert howl...)
His build makes him appear taller (check). Cute enough (check). Smart casuals carrying a Levis paper bag (check). Part-time sales probably. Like me. Killing time while waiting for the 'O' level results.
He boarded at Clementi station and sat opposite me. Our eyes met for a split second. Then we both looked away. A-w-k-w-a-r-d. It happened a few times throughout the ride. At Tanjong Pagar, the passenger beside me got off. Our eyes met yet again and he smiled. Wow...!!!!!
I smiled back and quickly looked away. What the heck do we do at situations like this? I had tried so hard to maintain minimal facial movements up till then.
When the train neared Raffles Place, he straightened. His eyes met mine again, gaze-locking far longer than those constant few seconds we shared between Clementi and Tanjong Pagar. It's like we're both trying desperately to prolong that moment as long as we possibly can.
The train slowed as it approached the station. He slowly stood up to join the crowd at the door. The door opened, he lingered for a few seconds, smiled that gorgeous smile again before saying 'bye', walked out of the door and out of my life never to be seen ever again.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
That Roaming Ex
Stupid. Stupid. Fucking Stupid. The heck was I thinking? How could I be soooo stupid?
For 12 years I led him to believe that it was all his fucking fault. For 12 years he lived with this guilt that it was somehow his fault that I ended up like this. For 12 years I led him to believe that I was and am still angry with him.
In one moment of glory, I spill it all out and exactly like that day 12 years ago, I lay limp and useless. All gory details laid bare for him to see.
It's the roaming ex again. He wanted to add me on Facebook. I ignored him. Then I msgd "why?" to him before mentally kicking myself. Many months later, he msg me back to email him for updates. Just like nothing had ever happened.
So the emails went back and forth and we traded stories. We talked on the phone and before I knew it, I have forgiven him of his past sins and everybody was happy. What I didn't bet on was that the phone calls would dwindle and the emails would decrease before stopping altogether.
It was like 1996 all over again. The waiting, the anticipation of every phone call. The disappointment that the calls were not from him. The anger with yourself that you've given so much of yourself away. Argghh!!...I'm so Stuuupidddd!!!!...
For 12 years I led him to believe that it was all his fucking fault. For 12 years he lived with this guilt that it was somehow his fault that I ended up like this. For 12 years I led him to believe that I was and am still angry with him.
In one moment of glory, I spill it all out and exactly like that day 12 years ago, I lay limp and useless. All gory details laid bare for him to see.
It's the roaming ex again. He wanted to add me on Facebook. I ignored him. Then I msgd "why?" to him before mentally kicking myself. Many months later, he msg me back to email him for updates. Just like nothing had ever happened.
So the emails went back and forth and we traded stories. We talked on the phone and before I knew it, I have forgiven him of his past sins and everybody was happy. What I didn't bet on was that the phone calls would dwindle and the emails would decrease before stopping altogether.
It was like 1996 all over again. The waiting, the anticipation of every phone call. The disappointment that the calls were not from him. The anger with yourself that you've given so much of yourself away. Argghh!!...I'm so Stuuupidddd!!!!...
Monday, March 29, 2010
Today is Tue, 30 Mar
Today is 30 March 2010. It's a Tuesday. Thank goodness it's not raining. But for 17years, 30 March has never left me in peace.
30 March every year is hard.
30 March on a Tuesday morning is especially hard.
30 March on a rainy Tuesday morning is 100 times that.
I've made peace with myself for the past 17 years and I have come to accept the fact that come 30 March every year, I have to resigned myself to that one lonesome moment of sadness, melancholy and that sudden stream of conscious tour in my head.
30 March is when I met 925 afterwhich, I lived in an exciting once-in-a-lifetime bubble of excitement that lasted for 43 heady days. It was a dream that came true literally. However, dreams don't really last that long and I was quickly brought back to reality before finally realising that you couldn't get what you want especially if the person you love didn't really love you back.
However, it was a long time before I can face that fact and I probably will never get over it. They have since build a covered walkway from his block to the bus stop. If that thing was erected 17 years ago, I'd probably not dwell on this and 30 March will be like any other day. History would have rewritten itself and I would have saved myself this misery.
I missed you even though I hated to admit it.
30 March every year is hard.
30 March on a Tuesday morning is especially hard.
30 March on a rainy Tuesday morning is 100 times that.
I've made peace with myself for the past 17 years and I have come to accept the fact that come 30 March every year, I have to resigned myself to that one lonesome moment of sadness, melancholy and that sudden stream of conscious tour in my head.
30 March is when I met 925 afterwhich, I lived in an exciting once-in-a-lifetime bubble of excitement that lasted for 43 heady days. It was a dream that came true literally. However, dreams don't really last that long and I was quickly brought back to reality before finally realising that you couldn't get what you want especially if the person you love didn't really love you back.
However, it was a long time before I can face that fact and I probably will never get over it. They have since build a covered walkway from his block to the bus stop. If that thing was erected 17 years ago, I'd probably not dwell on this and 30 March will be like any other day. History would have rewritten itself and I would have saved myself this misery.
I missed you even though I hated to admit it.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Makanan Halal Jelajah Blakang Rumah
Kemarin, masa ngah flip2 channel aku terflip Suria. Adalah satu programme Malaysia ni title "Makanan Halal Jelajah Dunia" with Hani Khauser. Masa baru2 start tu, dia show lah nama2 negeri yang bakal mereka jelajahi. Ada Hong Kong, Thailand, Singapore, dan lagi berapa kerat lagi lah.
Paler hotak dorang ler Jelajah dunia. Apa kedahaknya.....tu cuma Jelajah ASIA je. Ngok betol lah dorang ni...nak attract viewership tu agak2lah. Viewer skarang pun bukannya bodoh sangat. Masok google jer tau Kampung Tok Siak tu kat mana.
Anyway, masa episode yang aku tertengok tu, dorang shoot kat Singapore. Yelah, negeri sendiri..mestilah nak tengok apa yang dorang tunjuk. Mana lah tau ada tunjuk tempat makanan halal yang selama ni tercorok kat corner2 yang aku tak pernah pegi.
Sekali mak kau....dia pi kat Geylang lah. Sumer orang tau tu port orang2 melayu Singapore. Of course lah kat situ ada makanan halal. Kalau yang tak halal pun, yg bedal pun orang2 melayu yang Islamnya cuma tertera kat IC je...
Whatever lah. Kalau rancangan tu nak ditunjuk kat orang2 Malaysia sekalipun, takkanlah dorang tak tau Singapore ni takde langsong makanan halal? Ok, mungkin dorang tak tau. Maklumlah, kadang2 jiran kat atas tu dengar2 cakap orang je. Nak2 kalau ketua api2 kan...abih for no reason, benci kat kita yang kat bawah ni. Biasalah kan...orang melayu...ada PHD. Penyakit Hasad Dengki...
Cuma aku tak paham apasal programme tu tunjuk Geylang aje. Abih lepas tu dorang gi Orchard Road. Bukannya makan, tapi setakat tengok Lampu krismas. Apa motive lah? Ni rancangan makan makanan ke makan angin? Shoot kat restoran2 halal kat Orchard tu kan bagus.
Hello, fast food kat sini banyak yang halal tau. Gerai makanan halal memang BELAMBAK kat Singapore. Bukan fast food je, makanan asing yang certified halal pun banyak. Pendek kata, kalau mat and minah malaysia turun Singapore, dorang takkan mati kebulur lah.
Lainlah kalau kat negeri yang tak ramai orang islam. Ceh...
Tu pasal title rancangan ni merepek. Jelajah dunia tu maknanya, satu dunia cik kak oiii.......yang awak jelajah tu setakat benua asia je...dalam dunia ada banyak lagi benua. Asia tu benua kat belakang kampung awak je......tu pun tak semua yang awak cover. Kalau korang shoot kat Amsterdam ke, Belgium ke, Timbaktu ke, Los Angeles ke, Czech Republik ke.....baru orang respek. Tu baru betol2 Jelahah Dunia. Apa? Tak cukup budget? Then, janganlah pandai2 letak title JELAJAH DUNIA (jari Hani buat pusingan satu bulatan) camlah korang betol2 pusing satu dunia.
Paler hotak dorang ler Jelajah dunia. Apa kedahaknya.....tu cuma Jelajah ASIA je. Ngok betol lah dorang ni...nak attract viewership tu agak2lah. Viewer skarang pun bukannya bodoh sangat. Masok google jer tau Kampung Tok Siak tu kat mana.
Anyway, masa episode yang aku tertengok tu, dorang shoot kat Singapore. Yelah, negeri sendiri..mestilah nak tengok apa yang dorang tunjuk. Mana lah tau ada tunjuk tempat makanan halal yang selama ni tercorok kat corner2 yang aku tak pernah pegi.
Sekali mak kau....dia pi kat Geylang lah. Sumer orang tau tu port orang2 melayu Singapore. Of course lah kat situ ada makanan halal. Kalau yang tak halal pun, yg bedal pun orang2 melayu yang Islamnya cuma tertera kat IC je...
Whatever lah. Kalau rancangan tu nak ditunjuk kat orang2 Malaysia sekalipun, takkanlah dorang tak tau Singapore ni takde langsong makanan halal? Ok, mungkin dorang tak tau. Maklumlah, kadang2 jiran kat atas tu dengar2 cakap orang je. Nak2 kalau ketua api2 kan...abih for no reason, benci kat kita yang kat bawah ni. Biasalah kan...orang melayu...ada PHD. Penyakit Hasad Dengki...
Cuma aku tak paham apasal programme tu tunjuk Geylang aje. Abih lepas tu dorang gi Orchard Road. Bukannya makan, tapi setakat tengok Lampu krismas. Apa motive lah? Ni rancangan makan makanan ke makan angin? Shoot kat restoran2 halal kat Orchard tu kan bagus.
Hello, fast food kat sini banyak yang halal tau. Gerai makanan halal memang BELAMBAK kat Singapore. Bukan fast food je, makanan asing yang certified halal pun banyak. Pendek kata, kalau mat and minah malaysia turun Singapore, dorang takkan mati kebulur lah.
Lainlah kalau kat negeri yang tak ramai orang islam. Ceh...
Tu pasal title rancangan ni merepek. Jelajah dunia tu maknanya, satu dunia cik kak oiii.......yang awak jelajah tu setakat benua asia je...dalam dunia ada banyak lagi benua. Asia tu benua kat belakang kampung awak je......tu pun tak semua yang awak cover. Kalau korang shoot kat Amsterdam ke, Belgium ke, Timbaktu ke, Los Angeles ke, Czech Republik ke.....baru orang respek. Tu baru betol2 Jelahah Dunia. Apa? Tak cukup budget? Then, janganlah pandai2 letak title JELAJAH DUNIA (jari Hani buat pusingan satu bulatan) camlah korang betol2 pusing satu dunia.
Songs that Haunt me Till this Day
With or Without You - U2
Sweet Lullaby - Deep Forest
Once in a Lifetime - Gregorian
Streets of Philadelphia - Bruce Springsteen
Fields of Gold - Sting
I'll Remember - Madonna
Believe - Marcella Detroit
Ordinary World - Duran Duran
Sweet Lullaby - Deep Forest
Once in a Lifetime - Gregorian
Streets of Philadelphia - Bruce Springsteen
Fields of Gold - Sting
I'll Remember - Madonna
Believe - Marcella Detroit
Ordinary World - Duran Duran
Monday, March 30, 2009
Tuesday, 30 March 1993
Today is 30 Mar 2009. Exactly 16 years since that fateful, rainy Tuesday morning. Nope. I couldn't get over it. I've tried shaking it off, but I finally have to accept that fact that you will always be a part of my memory, best kept away from everything else.
This secret I harboured will stay with me. The bittersweet memories will always be with me for as long as I live.
You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I have always loved you since.
Now that we lead two different lives, there shouldn't be any reason why I have to keep all this up. Like I said. I couldn't shake it off. The impact left too big a crater inside my heart. I couldn't forget everything because I remembered everything too darn well.
This secret I harboured will stay with me. The bittersweet memories will always be with me for as long as I live.
You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I have always loved you since.
Now that we lead two different lives, there shouldn't be any reason why I have to keep all this up. Like I said. I couldn't shake it off. The impact left too big a crater inside my heart. I couldn't forget everything because I remembered everything too darn well.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Found
I have no idea whatsoever. It was that true. It couldn't possibly be, but it is. Now that the fact has been established, what's next? For once, I'm at a total loss.
For ages, I've been googling his name. I keep coming up with the worsening traffic situation in Dubai and one particular road toll system which incidentally shared the same name as him.
He did told me once that his name means "traveller". I still remembered that time. We were in bus number 174 after he met me at the Somerset Bus stop. I refused to say out his name. He was so hurt...but hey, I so love to tease him, afterall, he can be merciless when it comes to doing the same to me.
Then I discovered Facebook and after sieving through his old school mates, I still couldn't locate him. It wasn't until I chanced upon a picture a guy friend of mine posted. This friend used to be in the same secondary school as me. Throughout our 5 years in that school, the total conversation we've ever had came out to an average total of 2 sentences per year. So it was a pleasant surprise when he chatted me up one night and talked. Just general how do you dos. That was about it.
I was casually browsing thru his old photos when I hit upon a pic that has the "traveller" in it. For a moment, I was totally stumped. My friend happened to be online and I grilled him. My heart just stopped beating when he typed "salik". OMG.
For ages, I've been googling his name. I keep coming up with the worsening traffic situation in Dubai and one particular road toll system which incidentally shared the same name as him.
He did told me once that his name means "traveller". I still remembered that time. We were in bus number 174 after he met me at the Somerset Bus stop. I refused to say out his name. He was so hurt...but hey, I so love to tease him, afterall, he can be merciless when it comes to doing the same to me.
Then I discovered Facebook and after sieving through his old school mates, I still couldn't locate him. It wasn't until I chanced upon a picture a guy friend of mine posted. This friend used to be in the same secondary school as me. Throughout our 5 years in that school, the total conversation we've ever had came out to an average total of 2 sentences per year. So it was a pleasant surprise when he chatted me up one night and talked. Just general how do you dos. That was about it.
I was casually browsing thru his old photos when I hit upon a pic that has the "traveller" in it. For a moment, I was totally stumped. My friend happened to be online and I grilled him. My heart just stopped beating when he typed "salik". OMG.
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