The Little Things

Thirty years in this Institute and I will always see a glimpse of him in every batch of student that I met among the sea of new faces every year.

It was that exact same feeling this morning when I saw a student walking away from me towards the elevators.  From the back, the way he walks, the silly beanie that he wore which somehow always looks cool on him.  

I literally stood on the spot, allowing the memories to rush all over me and transported me back to 1993 once again.  I didn't fight that feeling.  I just stood there and stared.  My heart beating that familiar rhythm.  Time really stood still for that one special moment.  From the back, he does look like 925.

I snapped out of it and jumped back to the present day.  

Because I knew that the minute the boy turn, he will not be 925.

Sigh.

Thirty Minutes in Oct 93

I was going through my work when I chanced upon a request for a document by an ex-student.  His name sounded vaguely familiar, so I called to confirm the year and document requested.  Then, I asked him if he remembered back in October 1993 when, at the steps of Ngee Ann City's forum with the huge TV screen playing Guns N' Roses November Rain, I had asked his friend who was sitting next to him, if they have extra fullscap papers so that I can complete my Trading P&L account and balance the bloody unbalanced Balance Sheet.  

What in the bloody blazers was I even thinking??!  This mammoth memory cache of mine sometimes leaves even myself in bafflement.  We're talking about an incident that was not even 30 minutes, twenty-five years ago.  Poor dude probably couldn't even remember what he ate yesterday, let alone an incident which although he witnessed, would've been insignificant for such a friendly guy with so many female acquaintances to remember so many years ago.  Good thing I didn't mention my name or that I was in front of him for that matter - all praise to the invisibility of the phone.  It was quite by chance that I picked up the form barely an hour after he left the premises.  We were meant to cross paths in life and fate would have left it at that.  But no, I just have to let it go once again.

Circulated Circa 1998

Keluhan Hati

Diterima January 1999 melalui hotmail.  Tatkala kita semua baru berjinak dengan Internet, Jaring, MIRC dan Alamak Chat...tetiba rindu zaman gathering chatters Singapore-Msia...

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Dalam kesuraman ultra lembayung tika tujuh bulan menumpahkan cahaya dibawah kaki langit khirmizi, tiba-tiba aku terkenangkan eurika nostalgia cinta lama yang kita palitkan berdua.

Kehadiranmu bersama molekul-molekul hidrogen menerjang segala kekusutan yang membelit tali perutku.  Dan kehadiranmu itu mengajar aku erti rindu gelora dan syahdu.

Kau juga mengajarku erti cinta, singa laut, beruang kutub, penguin, kambing salji, mee rebus, cendol, koridor, kotak pensil, tali kasut dan pasu bunga.  Kala itu, kita bagaikan Nobita dan Sizuka.  Kau dan aku umpama Kurt Cobain dan Rafeah Buang yang tidak dapat dipisahkan.  Malangnya percintaan yang mendapat liputan meluas hingga ke planet Ziku itu telah mengundang perpisahan yang akhirnya telah mengecewakan seluruh penternak lipan di Burma.  Kau pergi jua ketika Kuala Lumpur sedang bersiap sedia menjadi tuan rumah Sukan Komenwel 1998.

Sesungguhnya perpisahan itu berpunca daripada penebangan pokok getah secara besar-besaran di lembah Klang.  Pemergianmu menyebabkan aku menghidap penyakit resdung dan hepatitis-Q secara mengejut.  Ketiadaanmu memaksa aku memakai topi keledar setiap masa sebagai langkah keselamatan.  Aku seperti tidak percaya dengan apa yang telah terjadi.  Aku bagaikan tergelincir dari orbit bumi dan terpelanting ke ruang angkasa apabila daya tarikan graviti terhadapku tiada lagi berfungsi setelah aku tersungkur dalam percintaan yang berlarutan hingga ke rubber-set.  Seluruh perjalahan hidupku menjadi gelita bagaikan terperangkap di dalam gua yang gelap dan ditemani stlangit and stlagmit yang bagai sembilu.

Kondominium cinta yang kita bina dari maknat basikal dan kipas helikopter akhirnya musnah setelah kau berpaling tadah.  Ternyata sikapmu mulai berubah bila Malaysia mula melancarkan satelit MEASAT-1 ke ruang angkasa raya.  Sejak itu kau sering melarikan diri bila terserampak dengan abang iparku.  Akhirnya aku menyedari bahawa diri ini tidak diperlukan lagi.  Sejak kau tiada, aku sering menyendiri berbual-bual dengan pokok betik untuk mengisi masa lapang.  Kadang-kadang aku mengikat botol oren pada tiang tumah agak nampak lebih cantik.  Saban hari aku termenung di dalam peti sejuk mengenangkan dirimu yang entah kemana menghilang.  Aku cuma bermain badminton sambil makan mi hailam untuk melupakanmu tetapi aku tak berdaya. Lalu aku membakar mesin basoh dan membelasah empat ekor itik serati jiran sebelah sebagai tanda yang aku tak bersalah.

Mengapa?  Mengapa sayang?  Mengapa ini semua bisa terjadi?  Mengapa setelah kau curi hatiku, kau rompak cintaku lantas kau bunuh cintaku sehingga kau terbunuh dalam kemalangan cinta yang ngeri. Aku bagaikan terhimpit dan dihimpit oleh guni-guni batu yang kau timpakan diatas belakangku. Derita yang kau timpakan itu adalah bebanan yang terlalu berat untuk ku tanggung bagaikan mendukung 75 ekor biawak dan 386 ekor anak beruk.  Dan kini segala harapanku hancur berkecai bagaikan aku terjatuh dari Menara Kuala Lumpur dan dihempap oleh Menara Kembar Petronas lalu tersangkut di celah landasan LRT. Oh! terlalu berat dugaan yang kutempuhi kini.  

Kini segalanya telah pun berakhir.  Aku sedar siapa aku.  Aku hanya insan biasa yang suka makan mi segera.  Aku bukan McGyver, McDonald, Superman atau Kesatria Baja Hitam.  Aku juga bukanlah Ultraman seperti yang kau idam-idamkan.  Aku menyedari kekurangan diri dan kekurangan kemudahan awam di tempat sendiri.  Tak perlu dikesali lagi kerana nasi telah menjadi capati dan tin sardin yang ku genggam ini telah pun luput tarikhnya.

Segalanya sungguh mengharukan dan semua hadiah pemberianmu termasuk enjin kapal selam telah pun aku cincang untuk dibuat makanan lembu. Walaupun segalanya telah pun berakhir, disini, diatas pokok getak ini aku tetap menunggumu.  Selagi ada nafas ini, selagi ada kompleks membeli-belah SOGO, selagi ada kedai kasut selipar di sekitar Argentina, selagi kumpulan Metallica tidak berpecah, aku tetap menunggumu sehinggalah mentari terbelah lapan.  Namun aku menyedari bahawa penantianku hanyalah sia-sia belaka.  Akhirnya aku mengambil keputusan muktamad untuk menunggu tiang elektrik dihadapan rumahku berbuah. Kalau tiang tu berbuah nanti, aku poskan buahnya kepadamu.  Nak tak?

- siapalah Mat Sengal yang karang benda ni.....apa khabar dia sekarang eh....

Ann & Azly

Ann kerap juga kerumah besar itu untok menolong Mak Longnya yang bekerja sebagai pembantu rumah disitu.  Aunty Suzy terima kehadiran gadis keletah itu yang suka bermain dengan anak bongsunya, Husna. Dia bebas keluar masok rumah itu, walaupun dia sedar siapa dirinya dan hanya menggunakan jalan dapor sahaja.

Suatu hari, semasa asyik ralit menari didapur sementara menunggu asam pedas mendidih, dia pusing dan bertembung dengan Azly, si anak sulong berwajah "serious" yang baru pulang dari kem perkhidmatan negara.  Kerana terlalu malu sebab ditangkap "bermain" semasa memasak, dia lari dan menyembunyikan dirinya di bilik Mak Long.

Semasa curi-curi keluar dapor untuk pulang kerumahnya, Azly memeranjatkan dia sekali lagi dan tanpa sengaja, dia telah tersepak muka Azly dengan buku nota dia.  Itulah kali terakhir mereka bertemu dan dia berdoa yang dia tidak akan bertemu Azly lagi.  Dia tidak tahu dimana nak sorokkan muka dia kalau bertemu "si muka serious" itu lagi.

Sepuluh tahun kemudian, Aunty Suzy jodohkan Ann dengan Azri, putera keduanya.  Ann hanya menerima kerana rasa hormat dan terhutang budi dengan Aunty Suzy walaupun dia tidak cintakan Azri yang candi dan baik kepadanya. Seminggu sebelum diijabkabulkan, Azri berubah sikap dan seperti acuh tak acuh dengan Ann.

Pada hari perkahwinan, Azri melarikan diri.  "I couldn't do it.  I'm deeply sorry".  Itu sahaja nota yang ditinggalkan buat bakal isteri.  Malam sebelumnya, dia telah meluahkan perasaan sebenarnya pada abangnya Azly yang tidak mengambil endah dan hanya menganggapnya sebagai darah gemuruh.  Ya, Azly pulang sementara dari Australia setelah beberapa tahun menguruskan syarikat bapanya disana sebaik sahaja tamat pengajiannya di bumi Oz itu.  Walaupun perit memikirkan gadis yang dia "pandang sebelah mata dulu" akan dikahwinkan dengan adiknya sendiri, dia kemas menyimpan perasaannya jauh dilubuk hati.

Aunty Suzy hampir pengsan dengan "kehilangan" Azri.  Azly mengambil tempat pengantin lelaki untuk menyelamatkan maruah keluarga.  Ann, dalam kekalutan dan tidak mahu keluarganya malu, terima sahaja walaupun dia marah dengan perbuatan Azri dan jengkel dengan keselambaan Azly.  Dia tersentap tatkala memandang wajah Azly dan mula rasa 'semacam’' bila Azly tenung dia seperti waktu "insiden asam pedas" sepuluh tahun dahulu.

Majlis berjalan lancar dan hanya keluarga terdekat sahaja yang tahu perihal pertukaran pengantin lelaki.  Malam itu, Azly menyampaikan kisah sebenar walaupun dia tahu dia hanya akan melukakan hati isterinya:-

Azri telah putus cinta dengan Sarina kerana bapa Sarina tidak suka dengannya.  Bapa Sarina anggap dia hanyalah anak orang kaya yang suka berfoya-foya.  Azri tidak dapat hubungi Sarina yang tiba-tiba lenyap dari muka bumi.

Aunty Suzy jodohkan Azri dengan Ann kerana ingin melihat Azri kembali ceria.  Dalam kebuntuan, Azri setuju kerana dia hormatkan ibunya dan kecewa dengan sikap Sarina yang seperti tidak mahu mempertahankan cinta mereka.

Seminggu sebelum dinikahkan, Azri mendapat tahu yang Sarina berada di Cairo untuk menyambong pelajarannya dan sedang cuba untuk melupakan Azri apabila dia mendapat khabar yang Azri akan dijodohkan dengan gadis pilihan ibunya.

Azri nekad untuk mencari Sarina.  Dia sukakan Ann yang selalu menceriakan hatinya tetapi dia terlalu sayangkan Sarina, cinta pertamanya.

Ann keliru kerana dia sepatotnya marah dengan huru hara yang ditimbulkan Azri, tetapi kenapa hatinya terusik apabila pertama kali memandang wajah sayu Azly pada malam itu?

Azly tidak sangka adiknya akan lari di hari perkahwinan sendiri dan menyesal kerana tidak memujuk Azri walaupun dia lega kerana akhirnya memiliki gadis yang menari di dapor ibunya 10 tahun yang lalu.  Masalahnya sekarang, adakah Ann mempunyai perasaan yang sama?  Bolehkah Ann memaafkan Azri dan menerima Azly si abang yang telah disepaknya dahulu?

It's Still There. For Better or Worse.

Was reminiscing about 22 years of that chance meeting with 925 and googling random stuff when I came across a .pdf file containing his promotion.  

Of course the mind wanders back circa 1996, when I found out after graduating from XX Institute that he failed one module in his Electronics Engineering course thus preventing him from graduating with a certificate. During those chance meeting with him on the way to work, two years after my graduation from that institution and his stint in National Service, he told me that he won a book price in his first year in Poly, where we were both pursing part-time diplomas at that time.  I supposed he graduated with flying colours thereafter.

Who would have thought that today, he would go on to clinch promotional level up to CW2 in SPris.  Heard that he got married in 2005 and stayed in Anchorvale.   Stalking much?  Nah.

I have been mourning my lost ever since that day he left me swallowing dust at WTC bus stop back in the first week of March 1994.  It was the last 'after-school-meets' we had.  Although we were still friends, he did not venture more than the casual hellos and how-do-you-dos at the bus stop and the occasional unabashed bragging when we happened to sit together in the bus. 

I was the one who never overcome that feeling of rejection.  My spirit died overnight and I never moved on.  My emotional level is that of Miss Havisham who stopped all the clocks and died in her wedding dress in Great Expectations.

That explains why I'm still in that institution dealing with the students who were not even born when 925 kissed my hands in the upper deck of bus 154 that fateful night long, long ago.  I just can't seemed to let go.  

So there he was, as of 30 Mar 2015, a successful figure in life and here I am, in mid-life, working quietly in a corner with 0.85 cents in my bank account.  The heaviness in my heart was just too much.  Am not sure if it's about missing him or that all too familiar feeling I always get when I'm at the lowest point of my life. 

I marvel at his desire to pursue the better things in life.  He has always been the better one.  The smart one.  The good-looking one.  Even his part-time job paid better than mine during our school days.  That was the first time I heard the term "peanuts" in dollars and cents coming from him. 

I was almost gloating when I graduated with a certificate thinking that I was finally worthy of him, but it was years later when I found out that he didn't graduate from XX Institute. But, look, who has a better life now?  That ITC certificate is just a small obstacle that wasted 2 years of his life.  I can't help wondering if those 2 years actually meant anything to him.  Perhaps in his desire to erase that failing-to-graduate-with-a-certificate disaster, he would've successfully deleted me from his memory bank as well.  

I prayed that we will not cross path.  Even if we do, I hope he couldn't recognise me.  

But why deep down inside, I desperately want him to remember?

Irritation in Facebook Is When You Open Your Account And...

(1)

The first post you see is a non-tudung wearing friend suddenly don on the tudung, garnering lots and lots of likes. Comments of "pretty lah kak", "so sweet", "masya allah so beautiful" was met with bashful "ala, takde lah, biasa2 je" or "thank you, awak pun apa kurangnya".

Two minutes later you will see another selfie of the same friend WITHOUT the tudung going "hmm, I feel like red lipstick today".  Oi girl, memang pun kau macam red lipstick sebab step attention seeker lah kan. Sayang sekali sebab tudung dijadikan alat untuk mintak likes and pujian.


(2)

Your wall is splattered with posts like, "I hate you", "Why aren't you sensitive to my needs?", "I'm crying for you but you don't care", "You only think of yourself", "Here I am slaving for you and you choose to ignore me", "I'm naked, look at me.." posts. Whoa someone got a serious case of PMS.  "I wish I am your handphone". Eei...nak lah sangat jadi handphone asik kena picit je dengan laki kau.  Member tak puas hati sebab tak dapat agaknya and tros post rasa tak puas hati dalam FB.  Ceritanya sama je.  Come on lah, we all know it's directed at your husband. Takkan kat adik kau punya laki punya classmate punya kucing punya kakak punya makcik punya posmen kan?

After that post, there will be a status update complete with a snapshot of her and him whom she had just abused on screen just a while ago and now captioned, "Loving you forever...my Love" ...!!!

Less than 24 hours later, there will be angry outbursts of "Don't be a kaypoh" "MYOB you bitches", "Who says I'm getting a divorce?" "Saper makan chilli terasa pedas".

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Dia ni Schizo ke per? 


(3)

Ada orang komplen dia penat sebab kemas rumah dari tingkat satu sampai tingkat empat. Kan sekarang semua orang dah tau kau tinggal rumah besar. Kalau nak kenen kan suami suruh amik pembantu rumah 2-3 orang tu cakap lah direct kat dia.  Buat pe post kat FB sebab kau tau kan rata2 kawan2 kau bukan akan simpati dengan keadaan kau yang penat kemas rumah 4 tingkat tetapi akan memuji kebesaran rumah kau.

Lagipun laki kau takde FB so, apa kejadahnya motif kau girl?


(4)

We sympathize.  We know.  We feel you.  It's not easy being a single mum. Your husband is a good person.  Kita semua sedih sebab kenapa yang baik2 selalu tinggalkan kita.  Tapi dah 5 tahun lah girl. It's time to move on. Yang pergi tetap pergi tetapi yang hidop ni kena teruskan kehidupan.  Anak2 kau pun nak makan.  Bersyukurlah yang kau tu masih ada kerja gaji besar, ada pangkat dan masih mampu membesarkan anak2.  The rest of us ada laki pun macam takde laki sebab semua kena tanggung sendiri.

Enough with the mourning please.  No one wants to hear you sighing and crying in FB about the times you've had.  All your friends are mentally exhausted just by reading your posts. The dwindling sympathy comments and likes should give you a clue beb.  Feel blessed with what you have now and just pray for him. You and your kid's doa would be more useful to him than the epic sludge of tearful status in your FB.

I might sound harsh here because I'm not in your shoes but I sympathize more with the next girl who is left to raise 5 kids on her own because her still living, breathing, imbecile husband is...you know, just fucking imbecile.


(5)

Yet another snapshot of your child's perfect score.  Siapa yang tak happy dapat anak pandai kan? Lumrah pun mak bapak yang suka sangat sebab anak baik dan dengar kata. Tapi kalau dah sampai tiap2 hari anak akak punya spelling test score 10/10 akak nak post.  Lenguh lah kak. Kitaorang pun naik menyampah.


(6)

You're so happy there's a notification until you clicked on it and there's another game request despite numerous attempts you made telling everyone that you don't play FB games anymore.  Ever since that day when you walked on the streets and you almost "clicked" on the trees to move them somewhere else.


(7)

"I want to eat this!!" complete with a picture of (whatever food insert here)  screaming on your wall.  Kalau nak makan gi kedai beli lah.  Apa hal sebok2 menyemak kat wall aku letak status macam tu.  Ingat aku nak belikan ke pe?


(8)

"I am so angry!!".  Bila orang tanya "kenapa sis?", pandai pulak kau jawab "oh nothing."  Bila orang nak pujuk kau teros senyap.  Tapi apasal kau post?  Kurang kasih sayang eh?


(9)

Satu selfie step-sexy siap dengan mulut mencurut macam nak cium bontot ayam lepas tu letak caption "What's with the pout?" eeii..sudah2 lah tu dik.


(10)
From oblivion to now-the-whole-world-knows.  None of your friends know that you're having problems with your marriage.  You wanted to keep it that way because you said there's too many kaypohse around.  And yet this is what you did:

-Share articles about wayward husbands and update your status with enough scathing remarks that blaze a trail of glory to your personal life.

-Share quizzes like "would you want your ex back if he crawls back to you" with a big font "NEVER" in your status followed by a scorching paragraph of "after all that I have done and this is what you did bla bla bla.."

Hey, people can put two and two together.  No need to update status like this. When concerned friends ask, you get angry because they're being 'kaypoh'. Apa ni girl.  Stop going to stupid pages that only makes you angry instead of moving on.  These pages are feeding on 'likes' to generate income and they build upon your anger and ego instead of doing you any good.  They get the traffic and money.  What do you get?

(11)

Someone "liked" an article from publications across the causeway especially when it's related to your country.  You read the comments...big mistake.  Rasa macam nak gi tembak je mulut puaka2 tu semua.  Dah lah katak bawah tempurung.  Passport pun takde. Views and ideas about negeri kau pun setakat dengar cakap "pakcik kat warung depan rumah tu yang cakap world dan jenis yang macam paham".  Abih tulis comment2 yang macam sial....ish..malaslah nak tulis kat sini...buat kotorkan blog aku je.  Bebual macam bagos. Semut kat seberang nampak.  Gajah gedabak depan mata tak nampak.  


(12)
Talking about publications and posted articles.  Comments sections are just so WTF sometimes.  I came across a few holier than thous on these topics:-

-On abusive maids/helper/childcare teachers.
"This is the reason why I quit my job.  So that I can give full attention to my kids and I get to spend so much time with them."  [Freakin' SAHM who wanted to tell the whole world that her husband has money coming out of his nose so that she can afford to stay at home]

-On netizen bashing.
"Biasalah melayu, selalu busuk hati..that's the reason why I left Singapore to stay in Australia" [Dia nak bilang orang kat Australia takde orang yang busuk hati atau dia nak show off yang dia mampu duduk Australia?]

-On school attendance tracking system.
"Just yesterday I received a call from son's teacher saying that he did not attend school.  My son played truant?  How could a Vice Student Leader played truant?" [Dia marah sebab sekolah punya tracking system tak bagos atau dia nak bilang orang anak dia ada pangkat kat sekolah?]

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Dalam kita terlalu taksub dengan dunia kita dan keghairahan kita nak kongsi kebahagian/kemarahan/keadaan kita kepada satu dunia, kadang2 kita lupa tentang perasaan orang lain.

Kita sebok bilang orang laki kita tak sempurna tanpa menyedari kita dah aibkan suami kita sendiri.

Kita heboh sebab anak kita dapat perfect score tapi kita lupa perasaan kawan2 kita yang dapat anak sederhana atau memang dilahirkan tak begitu sempurna.

Kita post gambar baby kita mintak pujian "ala, comelnya" tanpa perasaan prihatin tentang kawan kita yang dah bertahun kahwin tapi masih belom dikurniakan cahayamata.

Kita nak orang bersedih dengan kita tetapi kita lupa bahawa memang hidup ini sementara dan kita lupa nak bersyukur dengan nikmat dan rezeki yang sedia ada.

Kita tunjuk gambar2 kita hanya untuk menagih likes dan kita lupa jaga aurat kita.  Senang2 Allah bagi, senang2 tau Dia boleh amik balik.

Yang tak affected boleh lah scroll and log out.  Yang affected macam aku ni kenalah muhabasah diri dan constantly remind myself that apa yang berlaku ada sebabnya.  Cuma kalau aku tak suka, aku kena doakan yang aku pun tak jadi macam tu.  Jangan aku dok mengutuk tapi aku pun 2x5.

Sekian.

Novel Melayu Pop

It's been awhile since I last blogged.

Nasib baik password masok masih ingat.  Kalau tak, naik semak otak aku dengan benda yang memang nak dimuntahkan, lebih2 lagi kalau bab perkara yang membuat aku teruja sungguh.

Sejak mula start baca novel2 melayu ni kan, aku nak pakai word power2 je.

Memang aku pun bukan jenis yang angkat novel melayu sangat.  Zaman sekolah dulu ada lah baca sikit2 itu pun sebab cikgu paksa baca buku melayu.  Aku lagi gemar novel2 Inggeris. Jenayah, cinta trajis, biography dan entah apa2 lah asalkan bukan novel melayu.

Ni sejak umur nak masok 40 ni, aku layankan lah jugak mid-life crisis aku ni.  Memang dah nak buang tebiat pun. Lagipun, dari aku dok fikir masalah yang tak habis2, baik aku lari kat alam fantasy lain.  Tak lah fanatik sampai lupa hal rumahtangga.  Sekurang-kurangnya, aku masih nak exercise otak dengan buat perkara2 yang tak menyusahkan orang lain.

Ok, berbalik kepada buku2 melayu yang aku dah baca.  Sorry, ni cuma blog pasal buku melayu pop.  Buku melayu berat bukan genre aku.  Like I said, I don't want to think too much.

Nak cerita sikit ni walhal aku tau blog ni cuma habok screen komputer je yang baca.  


Adam dan Hawa - Aisya Sofea
Aku pernah pegang buku ni kat Mahkota Parade di Melaka masa bercuti kemarin. Pegang je, tapi tak beli.  Setahun kemudian, kakak kat ofis intro aku buku  ni.  Dah lambat tahap terlampau lah ni sebab cerita dia dah habis dan kecohnya pun dah reda kat Facebook tapi aku baru terkial2 nak baca buku ni.

I received the book on Friday and the husband decided to make a day trip up to KL on Saturday to buy something.  I started the book that morning at Woodlands CIQ and by the time we crossed the border at 6pm that same evening, I have completed all but 5 pages of the book and here's what I think:-

Masih ada ke lelaki yang sanggup tunggu buah hati dia selama 8 tahun? Walaupun dah bergelar suami isteri tetapi si isteri tak diberitahu kedudukan dan hidup macam orang single just because dia benci sangat2 dengan apa yang berlaku keatas dirinya?  At times, ada meleret jugak, padahal cerita dia boleh habis cepat dari tu.  Aku baca non-stop Singapore-KL and KL-Singapore sampai nak khatam satu buku.  Aku pun tak paham apa yang dikecohkan sebab pada aku buku ni biasa2 je.  

Memang Aisya Sofea suka drag cerita dia.  Apa2 pun aku suka gaya penulisan dia.  Tidak terlalu taksub dengan "pop culture" yang akan membuat sesuatu novel itu payah diterima di masa akan datang.


Love You Mr Arrogant - Aliesha Kirana
Hanya kerana tak nak kahwin dengan Sherry gedik, dia perangkap Zaara dengan alasan bodoh $5000, walaupun terang2 mengikut undang2,  dia yang salah sebab langgar kereta Zaara.  Disalahkan Zaara pula sebab member e-brake tengah2 jalan, dan si Zaara dalam kekalutan terus setuju untuk bayar.

Aku suka kalau dah kahwin baru lari...bukan lari dulu baru kahwin.  Lelaki yang arrogant and egoistik tetapi dalam diam, sayang kat isteri dia walaupun dia bekukan hati dan suruh isteri dia tidor kat lantai.  Seburuk2 dia, at least, dia masih lindung Zaara dari ibunya yang laser dan kakaknya yang kerek.  Terok2 pun at least dia pujuk si Zaara disaat kawan tu menangis terkenangkan nasib.  

Cuma buku dia masih banyak yang boleh diperbaiki.  Kadang2 aku tak tau siapa yang cakap ayat tu sebab ayat dialog macam lari2.  But for a no-brainer-rainy-afternoon, this is a good read.


Jodoh Itu Milik Kita - Sara Aisha
By this time, cerita Love You Mr Arrogant dah habis ditayangkan dan buku pun dah lama aku kasi balik kat empunya diri.  Aku masih angau dan dalam kemurungan.  Sedang aku surf kat google dan ter'landing' kat website TonTon, aku nampaklah senarai drama2 yang diupload disitu.  Satu pun tak menarik sehinggalah aku ternampak nama ajaib.  Farid Kamil.

I don't have to say anything else because no matter how lousy a drama/film is, if there's Farid Kamil in it, all is forgiven.  Really.  Am not sure if Sara Aisha has Farid Kamil and Tiz Zaqyah on her mind when she wrote this but the character description fits them so well.  It's like the parts were written especially for them.  

Bakal mak mertua berkenan sangat kat girl sebab girl baik hati, dijodohkan girl tu kat anak matrep dia yang menghilangkan diri di hari perkahwinan mereka.  Sedih dan hampa, girl menangis tak berlagu.  Abang si matrep steps in to save the day.  Dan abang tu pulak the Farid Kamil....*aduhai*..

Aku boleh baca buku ni 10 kali just to menjiwai watak perempuan who got dumped on her wedding day and replaced by her brother in law, who is ever concerned, caring and sayang sangat2 kat dia.  Especially kalau dapat yang muka macam Farid Kamil.  Ish, perangai stoppit lah pulak aku ni.


Kampong Girl - Umie Kalsom
Buku ni boleh tahan cuma aku tak tahan dengan Bahasa Inggeris yang hancur tahap terjun lombong.  Ainnur is an English Teacher tapi kenapa Bahasa Inggeris dia buruk sangat? The lazy "s" and obvious grammar mistakes.  Editor tidor ke? Kalau nak buat novel melayu, gunakanlah semua bahasa melayu kalau tak yakin dengan penggunaan Bahasa Inggeris.  If you wish to integrate English phrases in the book, do take the time to do some research and incorporate accordingly.  Jangan malas.

Tapi aku suka jalan cerita dia.  Si sepupu lelaki (Ashraff Khairi) yang mengada-ngada tak bertempat.  Menyampah aku.  Step budak bandar tak sedar diri.  Tapi takkan dia tak ambil pusing langsong kat sepupu dia padahal ibu meraka adik beradik?  Lainlah kalau saudara setakat bau2 bacang. 


Muridku Suamiku - Cahaya Ainn
I'm not one for younger husbands but then again, sometimes, the younger ones proved time and again to be more matured compared to their elder counterparts.  They tend to appreciate older girls and are generally more caring.  

Romantic sungguh bila budak jahat jadi baik semata2 nak kan cikgu dia.  Sanggup ubah hidup dia 360 darjah dan seakan memaksa cikgu suka kat dia.  Degil.  I like.  Cuma, aku tak berapa gemar dengan frasa "muka tebal 10 inci / 15 inci / berbelas2 inci" yang diulang2 dalam novel ni.  Tau lah member tu pemalu dan sedang dalam keadaan malu, tapi tak payahlah exaggerate sampai tahap 'nampak-sah-menipu' kan.  

Novel kelima beliau 'Dia Putera Mahkota' pun sama.  Memang trademark penulis ni ialah heroin yang pemalu agaknya.  Frasa muka berbelas2 inci, gigit bibir, tunduk lihat tanah sering kali diulang.  Tabiat menggigit bibir boleh di olah seperti sesuatu yang di amati sang Putera apabila dia berkata seperti contoh - "saya perhatikan yang awak ni suka gigit bibir apabila awak memikirkan sesuatu atau awak sedang runsing".   Jadi pembaca boleh tau ini tabiat Dahlia.  Tak payahlah pembaca di asak dengan ayat yang diulang tayang.  

It's a shame because the author really has great ideas and I love her description of Paris and how I felt like I was there.  I felt Dahlia's pain when her "Dahlia and Reza" lock fell in the water when 'guess who' appeared out of nowhere and gave her a fright.  I cried with her when her fiance died just days before their wedding.  I just can't accept her forever "tunduk kepala lihat tanah" and "always crying - mata beranak sungai" bit.  Dahlia is such a cry baby.  Future princess must be strong ok...


Memilihmu Kerana Dia - Myra Ameer
This is her sixth novel.  Jalan cerita lancar tapi sayang, dia ada auto-correct untok perkataan 'sepantas'.  Sebab tiap2 kali ada perkataan 'sepantas' keluar, perkataan 'kilat' confirm masok frame.  Contoh: (Bab 67, Mukasurat 559) Sepantas kilat wajahnya dipalingkan kepintu. Nur Sarah turut berpaling.  Sebaik terpandangkan Lisanani dimuka pintu, sepantas kilat pelukan di pinggang Nur Sarah dileraikan.  Banyak lagi mukasurat yang ada perkataan sepantas kilat ni.  Adengan kucup2 pun ada 'sepantas kilat'.  Tapi paling terok macam contoh tu.  Sepantas kilat digunakan dua kali dalam satu perenggan. Ini novel ke-ENAM dik.  I love your story tapi 'sepantas kilat' spoil the mood for me.


Rahsia Hati - Azimah Lily
This one really makes me weep.  It makes me so frustrated, I keep having 'slapping forehead' moments.  While it has an interesting story line and avoided the cliche forced marriage and awkward first night shots, it was way too amateurish to be published.  

Contohnya:

(1) Terlalu banyak sangat perkataan 'jerit' dalam novel ni.  Yang hairannya, kaum lelaki yang suka jerit.  Dato' Johari suka jerit.  Tan Sri Tengku Daud suka jerit.  Daniel si Tuan Muda pun suka jerit.  Aku ingat perempuat2 gedik je yang suka jerit.  Dorang ni keturunan raja2.  Kalau nak biadap pun ada hemahnya.  Bukan pakai jerit2.  

(2) Penulis suka sebot jenama. Nasib baik cuma bab2 permulaan je.  Dah lama2 tak sebut jenama lagi.  Kita tau lah Dania tu kaya, takkan asik bawak Boniak je.  Apasal tak sebut Hamis Bikin ke.  Tu kalau angkut satu biji boleh makan puluhan ribu siotz.  Kat sini aku nak selit jugak Sri Sarah punya "Aku, Dia dan Stiletto". Mereka2 ni dapat berapa eh duit royalti sebab sebut2 jenama nk. Drg dah tentu2 kaya buat pe nak bagi free publisiti pulak kan. Kita semua tau hero-heroine semua kaya tahap dewa2. Tak payah bilang satu dunia kasot apa si dekni pakai or baju dalam tu Rahsia Victoria yang punya (ejaan jenama disengajakan).

(3) Melissa dan Sheila tak pernah putus asa mengejar impian mereka untuk berkahwin dengan Daniel.  Walaupun Sheila kemudian beroperasi secara senyap, Melissa pulak terang2an nak si Daniel padahal Daniel memang dah reject dia siang2.  Ada ke perempuan muka tak tau malu masih nak terhegeh2 ketagih cinta just because she's too consumed by jealousy?  Yang ni aku tak boleh mengulas kerana dalam dunia sekarang ni macam2 boleh terjadi walaupun pada aku cara Melissa ni terlalu over the top.

(4) Penggunaan Bahasa Inggeris konfem langgar tembok.  My WTF moments were:
Hairi to Dania: We'll get marry next month. 
Dania: Don't move or I shoot you.
Daniel: Uncle tak payahlah nak hipokrit dengan Daniel.  I'll know you.
Dania: I know you hiding something from me.  I guess you waiting for someone, right?
Dania: If you dare to tell them about my illness, I'll make sure your life miserable until you die.

I can't believe it's her second novel.  My colleague did lend me her first novel but I have not read it for fear that I might start scribbling ghastly, red ink all over the book.  I don't want to ruin the comfortable colleague-borrowing-book-tak-tau-malu relationship just yet. 

I seriously hope she can improve on this or better still, totally eliminate incorporating English phrases in her books if she's not confident enough. She's got great ideas but this book makes me feel like I'm trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach.  


My Precious Iris - Melor Jelita
Everyone I know is raving about this.  Buku berat.  Tebal giler.  The sequel to I Love You Stupid.  Initially I was excited about it.  I found myself laughing (out loud) when in the first few pages, our heroin caught her feet on the carpet and send the cups and sauces flying all over the place and mom being well, mom, was more worried about her tea set than the fact that her daughter has just committed a serious faux pas in manner of proper tea-serving decorum.

But I couldn't help thinking that the author is publicly expressing her opinion and life lessons through Abang Pedas who in this story is, well, Perfect.  Yup with a capital "P".  So damn perfect that I kept visualising that scary guy who went through many surgeries to look like Ken the doll.  

Perbezaan antara Firman dengan typical hero dalam novel lain adalah, dia ni tak kaya (bukan anak orang kenamaan), tapi dia pandai (masak), bijak (melayan kerenah isteri), badan berketak2 (tekan tubi dengan isteri di belakang) and religious (ngaji, solat dan keturunan bagos2). 

Don't get me wrong, memang ada jenis lelaki yang begini.  But there are some scenes in this book rasanya dari luahan hati seorang wanita dan bukan Firman yang cakap.  Example: cara Firman ajar isteri dia goreng dan simpan telor, cara Firman tak happy dengan orang2 yang meng'update' status di Facebook dan luahkan ketidak puasan hatinya kepada isterinya. Sampaikan pengalaman dia menggendalikan kes budak yang kena dera tu pun macam cut and paste from somewhere je.

I'll have to admit that I read this because it was popular but I couldn't say it's one of my favourite.


Akhir Kata - What I think
Dah banyak dah buku aku test.  Kakak ofis aku sampai kena buat cabinet baru untuk novel2 dia.  Siap berbungkus plastic dan tulis title listing lagi.  Ialah, mana tau pegi JB sekali terbeli buku sama kan.  Dah banyak sangat you.  Tapi dia tak lokek.  Tiap2 buku yang dah dibaca dia pass kat aku.  Muka tebal, tembok dan kertas pasir ni cuma cakap 'terima kasih' je. Sayang akak ketat2.

Ok, in a nutshell:

1) Kahwin Paksa

Very typical.  Budak2 kita memang suka kan part kena kahwin paksa ni.  Industry seberang earn so much on novel sales and drama adaptations.  Malu tapi mau.  Especially kalau protaganist perempuan melayu terakhir.  Ayu, sopan, cantik, putih, baik, pandai masak. Hek eleh...lelaki kena kahwin paksa dengan perempuan yang dia tak suka bila dah dapat tengok dada putih melepak depan mata confirm terkam punya.  Memang mula2 baca seronok tapi kalau dah lama2 muak jugak.  

2) Kaya

Watak hero selalunya adalah anak Datok, anak Tan Sri, baby kesayangan Puan Sri dan confirm businessman berjaya.  Pendek kata, cukup segalanya lah.  Harta tak habis tujuh keturunan.  Ada duit semua jadi, tapi tak jamin kebahagiaan dan heroin akhirnya akan mendapat romeonya semula selepas menjalani penderitaan (insert timeline) untuk sekian lama.  The only exception so far is Firman, tapi at least isteri Firman tu kaya.  So, tak ada lah diorang tu dudok merempat. 

3) Hormat

Sekeras2 lelaki, masih lagi hormat ibu bapa dan patoh walaupun terang2 kluar dengan perempuan gedik lain.  

4) Nama 

Nama2 yang tak boleh angkat seperti Fitriani Farisha Afilia Bte Datok Ahmad Sulaiman Zamani and Tengku Zafriel Ryan Zubidin Bin Tengku Mahmud Harun Shah Dulang or Rixuna Darwisha Hedora and Azmir Denola Belona Blahlah.  Either writers are on creative juice overload or feeding on the notion of their inner "buku-aku-sukahati-akulah" demons.

5) Penggunaan Bahasa Inggeris

Urgh!! Editor hentam kromo je ke sebab nak kejar dateline?  Sometimes I cringe at the texts they use.  It's 'staff' and not 'staffs' because staff is a collective noun.  When you are referring to more than one person, you should still say 'staff'.  Same goes for stuff (not stuffs) and food (not foods). There is one character (girlfriend gedik kerjaya actress) who had just wrapped up her movie and asked someone's opinion.  She was going like, "Filem I akan ditayangkan tak lama lagi. You dah tengok thriller dia?".  Hello gedik, it's trailer lah sayang bukan thriller.  

Aku ni bukan nya terror sangat Bahasa Inggeris tapi benda2 yang disebut diatas ni boleh dirujuk dan dikemaskini sebelum process pencetakan.  Aku semangat nak baca novel melayu sebab nak mempertingkatkan Bahasa Melayu aku lah konon.  Dah lah sah2 tulis blog ni pakai bahasa pasar lecak becak.  Ye, I know, I know...kalau nak mempertingkatkan Bahasa Melayu kena baca sastera berat.  Tapi at least sekarang aku tau apa maksud "terkesima", "terkedu" dan "usai", sebab sumpah sebelum ni aku tak tau ada perkataan tu.  

Baru-baru ni aku ada baca satu novel oleh penulis yang menggunakan perkataan "muk" untuk "mug".  Ada ke perkataan "muk"?  Cakap "cawan" tak boleh ke? 

And how about 'comforter'?  Dia mencapai 'comforter' dan bersembunyi di dalamnya. Selimut tak sesuai agaknya sebab dia tinggal rumah Mak Datin kaya yang ada hawa dingin so kena pakai perkataan 'comforter'. 

Ada lagi satu novel ni bertajuk "Hantu Punya Bos" .  Walaupun penggunaan Bahasa Inggeris dia bagus, tetapi part "merebahkan dirinya ke atas katil yang berhias cadar berwarna gold" yang aku tak boleh angkat sangat.  Warna kuning keemasan tak sesuai ke? 

Seriously, when you write something to be published and people pay good money to buy and enjoy, it should at least be worth the price.  If you wish to encourage the use of foreign phrases in your books, to show that your protagonists are highly educated, then do them justice by having them converse in the proper language and not have them spewing broken, laughable-at-best, phrases.  I still remember Lisa Surihani threatening Aaron Aziz with "I will make sure that you will fall deadly in love with me" [Ombak Rindu].  I've heard of 'madly in love' but 'deadly in love'?  Seriously?!?!  Ok, I digress.  You say madly in love to someone you love.  You don't say deadly in love to someone you love separoh mati.  Sebab, deadly in love ialah frasa yang hanya sesuai untuk digunakan sebagai tajuk filem atau cerita thriller tapi tak berapa sesuai untuk diluahkan, apatah lagi untuk orang yang kita sayang.

It may not be written in the book because I have not read it.  But it's spoken on screen and it sounds, well, awkward.

Anyway, aku terjumpa kat laman sesawang lain bahawa ada garis piawaian rupanya bila kita nak submit karya kita.  Manuscripts for print have to conform to a certain fixed template. So, rata2 this applies to all of the above.  Oohh...now we know.

For now, I will faithfully continue to read Malay novels and see the screen adaptations with an open mind.  It's escapism at best and the only 'me' time I have these days.  I just hope I don't sound like a Grammar Nazi while I'm at it.

What If I Had Said Yes?

Lately I've been thinking and wondering whatever happened to Ayom. A sign of mid-life crisis when I find myself constantly escaping inside myself just to get a few minutes of much needed time-out from the evils of life. What the heck was I thinking? After all these years, he didn't exactly popped up in my mind first thing when I wake up every morning. He was never in my top ten list of things to accomplish in my life before I die either.

It's only recently when I've been reading sappy novels about arranged marriages and being in love after marriage that triggers this 'what if' question in my head. What if I had said 'Yes' on that fateful Sunday night when mom casually brought up his mother's proposal while I was about to take my first bite of the toasted bread and cheese on my bed. Needless to say, I ended up choking on the bread.

The first thing that entered my head was, 'Shit. What about that friend/more than friend/not exactly steady but we have just started the-kissing-stage boyfriend?'. What about 925? I was only 21. The least I could do is keep my options open. Well, the boyfriend was not exactly ready for something serious at that moment and the chances of 925 ever proposing is as big as a fat zero because I have yet to admit to myself that 925 might not even remember my name.

I told my mom "No". I did say "Yes" at one point but mom was like "Are you sure?" with that frown on her face. So I said 'No'. Anyway, my excuse was that I just started my first year in Poly pursuing that much needed diploma and I have to clear five years of that. I can get married somewhere in between but I’d rather start the first 2 years totally free from wifely obligations before finally succumbing to the inevitable. His mother wanted my answer as soon as possible but my mom was stalling with phrases like 'Maybe after 5 years..?' They take that as a 'No' and eventually he got married a few months later to another girl. Arranged? Beats me. I never asked.

So those few nights saw me on hot coals and persuading the then Mr 'just-progressed-to-kissing-stage' Boyfriend that I would need him to present himself to my parents. He was super reluctant and that was the beginning of the end for me. Mr Asshole decided it's high time he disappear together with that girl he showed off to me at the back of his bike. And Mr 925 decided that the 'umbrella incident' does not justify remembering my name either.

My life took a different turn from then on and yes, I'm wondering now. I can't visualise how he look like now. Heck, I can't even remember how he really looked like back then.

We were kids growing up in the same block in Boon Lay. I was friends with his sister. We used to exchange dishes during the fasting month. We played with our own circle of friends. He was 5 years my senior, has seen me at my worst and like any other little girl, I didn't give a hoot about him. He probably couldn't care less about the scruffy girl living a few doors down from him either.

One afternoon, his sister invited me to play carrom with her. I was about eleven maybe twelve years old at that time. He decided to join in and that afternoon saw us sitting in their living room with the carrom board in front of us. I was sitting opposite him, pretending to know the game, pondering my move and confidently shoot the striker - from the wrong angle! He laughed but I guessed he must have been amused by my stupidity to correct me. Needless to say, he won the game but I didn’t really care. I didn't think about it back then and didn't quite banged my head against the wall in frustration either. There were no hearts racing, manic giggling, knees turned to jelly shit. Nothing.

Then his family shifted. I grew breasts, gradually became short-sighted, hormones raging all over the place and have decided that all guys are remotely cute just because I couldn't see clearly and refused to wear glasses.

I visited his new house once. He was there but I didn't get a clear view of him. A few years later, our family shifted to another neighbourhood. I refused to wear glasses and was content with my blurry world. Then, I had a part-time job and splurged on my first contact lenses. It gave me new meaning and the world became more interesting. On the day when I did not wear my lenses, I bumped into him at Boon Lay and we took 99 together as he was on his way to Jalan Bahar camp which was along the route. He was super friendly and did not appear to be embarrassed to be seen with me. I like this side of him and yes, I didn't get a clear view of him although I knew it was him. Yes, he was that familiar to me. Like my brothers, I don't have to see their faces to know which one I'm talking to. Everything was so hazy and blurry that day though and I cursed myself for not wearing those damn lenses.

Occasionally, his mom would send him over to collect clothes that my mum has sewed for his family, ketupats for Hari Raya and whatever gifts which require exchanging just like what we usually did back in our old home in Boon Lay. All those time when he came over, I did not wore my contacts. I mean I was always wearing them but on the rare occasion that I didn't, he will appear. It's like fate just refused to let me see how he really looked like.



The kampong spirit however still lives on. His parents were super nice and suddenly out of the blue, they decided to choose me as a potential daughter-in-law. There were no precedent cases. I was the first born. This never happened before. I didn't know what to do. So I just said 'No' although deep inside, I was very, very excited that I was up for grabs. Nevermind that he was not asking for it. Nevermind that it was not someone I've been admiring, chasing, crying, fawning or losing sleep over either. Nevermind that he's not 925 or bloody Mr Boyfriend. I'm available and that's what counts. But my ideals as a 21 year old virgin is so cookie-cutter perfect that unfortunately blurred up real life itself. I wanted a prince and a castle and I forgot that both did not exist.

It was my brother, who was 2 years my junior, who hit the nail on the head. He voiced out that all these times when Ayom's mother would send him over to collect stuff from us, didn't we see it? Why didnt' they send Pari, the eldest? How come Siti, my childhood friend didn't make the trip? Why must it always be Ayom? We were stumped and at that moment, I was too stupid to be flattered.

Thinking about it, what if I were to really accept his hand in marriage at that time? Will I end up like how I am now? Will I fall in love with him after we get married? I don't think he will criticize my parents, look down on my siblings and always refer to my sister as a cheap slut. I don't think he will prevent me from catching up with my friends over coffee. I don't think he will disallow me from visiting my parents. I don't think he will take my money. I don't think he will stop working and sit at home the whole day. I don't think he will scream at me just because I forgot to include the squid when I tapau-ed home his yong tau foo. I don't think he will make me cry.

Yes, I don't think Ayom will make me cry.

Last I heard he has 2 kids and that's about it. Anyway, whatever it is, I knew he was always there. I didn't acknowledge it but he was always there, from that afternoon when he laughed at my stupid attempt to strike the queen from the wrong angle on the carrom board. In a remote corner of my heart where it's still intact and not totally broken like my spirit, he resides safely in a cocoon of memories of the Ayom I know.

Years ago, I stupidly rejected the union and fate decided not to let me visualise in the years to come. In these next few years left of my life, I will always be wondering what my life will be like if I were to say "Yes" from a genuine proposal and how the magic will be like if I were to fall in love with him only after we signed on the dotted line.

The Two Faces of Facebook Part II

And then you have your friends in Facebook. The small amount left after the sifting and rejecting by the QC master.

We have the good friends.  Decent ones who passed the test and are polite throughout.  They have no idea what your life is like.  But you don't have to tell them do you?  Let us live merrily thinking all is fair in love and war.

But this doesn't stop you from observing.  You don't have to 'like' or 'comment'.  They post the pictures and it's up to you to view their life.  You feel so happy for them all the while struggling to keep the green eyed monster in the dungean where it belongs.

You have the insanely rich friend like Ms S who make you giddy just by imagining how much they have in their back vaults.  You sighed when they posted pictures of countless hermes bags in their walk-in closets.  You ooh-ed and ah-ed their holiday pictures in Milan, Greece and far to reach places.  You felt happy that you walk past the F1 race gates and hear the roaring engines (although you didn't get to see it because you couldn't afford the tickets) while your well-to-do friend is sitting at the Marina Mandarin balcony sipping champagne and taking pictures of the supercars lining up below.

You wondered in surprise when Ms S posted "holiday in Pahang" and you thought "eh, going local?" Then she posted her Ferrari and you go ooh.  What better way to test the 400 horsepower than zooming across the north south highway?  See? Even Ms S can make a simple holiday across the causeway in style.

Lucky Ms S and her District 10 address.

Then you have the friend who added you as if whatever hell she put you through in secondary school didn't exist.  Of course.  No tormentor ever remembered their absolutely bad behaviour.  It's the tormented who usually bears the scars. 

So she behaved as what she was.  Snobbish. Until one fine day she started messaging you and asked about your life, your kids, your work.  See, if she bothers to look at your timeline, she would know the answers to all these but well, there's always a prawn behind a rock.

Many appropriate questions later, she will casually slipped in about this part-time job she has.  Being slightly clever now, you know what she is getting at.  Unlike her, you looked through your news page.  You look through her profile pics.  You know what she's been doing.  All those meetings with 'partners', million dollar community meetings and seminars.  All boils down to one thing.  Multi-level marketing.  You can paint it any way you like.  The ultimate tagline is "bring a sucker (oops, friend) and you get rewarded". 

You've had your fair share of MLM.  You hated it but you're always dragged into it by Mr High and Mighty.  You despise the thought of becoming a two-faced shit and being overly friendly just because you want your reward.  You befriend people whom you hate just so that you can can fulfill your quota.

So she asked you if you want to attend a no obligation meeting.  You politely declined.  Then she gets aggressive and spam you with testimonials and holier-than-thou products.  Now you know why you're never her friend in secondary school to begin with.  You firmly said no.  Her last words were, "Better to act now because in a few years there will be more people in this market and you're left biting dust".  Haha - you already know that too.

You feel so jaded by all these but you take everything in stride.  You know there's two sides to a coin and there's always a reason behind everything.

Maybe it's about time we clean up our facebook pages eh..

The Two Faces of Facebook Part I

The bane of having a Facebook account. You think it's so nice to link up with old friends. Little would you know it will teach you so much more in 2 years than 20 years of your life put together.

It was so much fun at first. We have friends you have not met in ages adding you up in their friends list. Updates, how-do-you-dos are exchanged. Family photos, vacation shots, what you just did, what you wear, what you eat. Everything is published for the whole world to see.

Then, everything just went sour. Your hubby hates the thought of you linking up with male friends just because you open your big, fat mouth and said Mr so-and-so earn 3.5k a month and he didn't have that much of an education in the first place. You naively thought it will motivate him who didn't have to work because he just don't feel like it. No. His royal majesty gets jealous and you have to "volunteer" to delete all the male species in your friends list. It doesn't matter that you never attend gatherings or tete-a-tete with your girl friends out of respect for your master. You didn't even bother to ask for permission. Oh no, HE can have all sorts of friends on his list. Both male AND female. HE can attend all the gatherings dragging you along if he wants to. HE can have a gazillion friends because HE is your master. You just get the short end of the stick when you decided to marry him.

So this coupled with financial worry and the stress of having to make ends meet turned you into an introvert monster. Somehow along the way, you learn to get smart and work around the system. You throw precaution in the wind because you thought you don't deserve this shit of a life.

Enter the ex-man. Uh-huh. He would make you regret your life decisions. He would make you think twice about your so-called humdrum life. He would make you think life is worth living again. You just have to choose. Heaven or Hell.

It’s a good thing you got smarter after that. You blocked the ex-man and you resume your life. Shit or no shit and picked up the pieces one by one. If at any one time you got mistreated, emotionally abused, screamed at, threatened, humiliated or just plain hated by his royal highness, you tell yourself that this is to make up for all the sins you’ve done and you’re paying for it. Hopefully, GOD will forgive you. It’s the only chance you’re riding on.

You then reduce the amount of time in facebook. You don’t post often and you privatized your posts. You get wiser and did not post your unhappiness in your status updates. Everyone knew you’re happy. So you let it be.

You live your life serving as a slave for his royal highness. He signed the marriage contract and he gets a maid, a slave whom he can humiliate and a prostitute. Only thing is, he didn’t have to pay a single cent for the services rendered by the above.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom

Hate to hurt your feelings. It pains me to see you sad and disappointed with me. The resignation in your face tore my heart away. It's him. He made me hurt you. He made me into a monster. Into what I am today. He made me submit, weak and helpless. He stamped my freedom and he broke me. Turned me into what I am today - a worthless piece if shit. Forgive me for I have sinned. Forgive me for abandoning you in your twilight years. You have given me life and this is how I repay you. Dear God. Give her peace.  Grant her wishes and place upon her among your faithfuls.

He only thinks of himself. How hurt he was by your actions. He didn't think how hurt I would be. He didn't consider the fact that I have feelings too. He didn't know all these because I was too stupid to open my mouth.

I let him rule me. I let him decide. The clothes I wear, the way I talk, the money I earned, even the way I sneezed.

I am trapped. Helpless. There is no way out because I'll be at the losing end.

After life with him, I thought love didn't exist anymore. There is no such thing. I forgot about your unconditional love. I forgot about how the kids love me too although I'm always losing patience with them.

I regret being like this. Being the worthless thing that I am. I just want you to know that you're a good woman.

I love you mum...

Return of the Living Dead

That number again. Was at my uppity, bestest mood and the caller ID showed that bloody number under 'missed calls'. What the Fuck!!.. Oh I know that number alright. After 1 year of silence, his royal highness decided to call and ask wassup(?) like nothing had happened. Am I supposed to return that call? Of course not! Am not wasting my time. He can go fuck a camel for all I care. Bloody emmeffing shit.!!!

And so it was fated that I have to accidentally returned his call this morning because I seriously thought it was a client's number (really...it was an innocent company number.!) and guess who picked up the phone? Of course I was reluctant to talk but since he finally got my attention I figured it's high time I give him a piece of my mind and have fun at the same time. Hah! Let him sweat....

First up was the monosyllabic moronic response. How are you? Fine. How's everything? Fine. How's life? Ok. Where are you staying? Somewhere. Macam tak suka je? Tau takpe.

It was then that I brought out the big guns. What a heady feeling! That was like the best tele-orgasm of my life! Finally!! All those months of resentment, tsk tsk..

His excuses were lame and pathetic. As usual. I'm not going to bow down to this. Not anymore. It's bad enough I'm nothing but a stupid wife to a husband who bullies me, I'm not going to add stupid dumbass to that list too. But then again, stupid dumbass has already made it's way to the list because my husband always says I'm stupid anyway.

Goodbye my once, sweet romeo. I'll bet sex with you will be as hot as when we make out back in '96. But I'm also betting that life with you will be the same bloody shit as it already is for me now.

I don't want to hear from you and I don't care what the fuck you felt about me. You've abandoned me twice and whatever promises you made - well, you can just jolly well shove it up your own ass!!

What makes you think I'm crawling back meekly into your arms? What makes you think I will love you again the way I did blindly ages ago when I was a very virgin 21 year old? What makes you think I will sit by the phone and willed it to ring hoping that it was you on the other line like how I did stupidly long, long ago? What makes you think that I think so highly of you now that you've proven what an arsehole you really are?

I hate you and I don't want to see or hear from you ever again. Ever!!!

Have a nice fucking life!!..

Sins of a Lesser Being

Take all the blame. It's your fault anyway. Atone for all your sins. You deserve whatever that has befallen you. Who says you deserve happiness? There is never such a thing. Happiness is when everyone else is happy. You just stand on the fringes - if they let you. Otherwise your existence is only to be tolerated. Like the much needed domestic help. If you've served your time, they'll just send you away. 

You're never of much use anyway. You are brainless and stupid. Your purpose in this world is to work and submit all your income to the relevant party.  You produce so that others will be happy. You have no say in this matter for you have all hell to pay if you ever open your stinky mouth. 

You are nothing to them. You will serve your time until you are no longer useful. Your bones will be weak and you'll be kicked out of the workforce. 

For a short period they will love you for the savings that can finally be withdrawn. Once that ran out, you are back to the worthless creature that you are and find yourself standing on the fringe again waiting to meet your creator, ever hopeful that your past sins didn't catch up with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm tired. Just tired. I never had it easy but I'm not complaining.

Someone told me that the reason why we're tested is because the Almighty knows we're strong enough to face it. That explains why others are lucky all the time. It's because they're weak - really.

I don't know how long I can last in this. But I must be grateful that at least I'm not living under a bridge somewhere in a third world country.

Why me?

There is a permanent frown etched on my forehead. I can't get rid of it. I noticed it one morning when I actually stopped to properly looked at myself in the mirror in all my just-woke-up-from-sleep glory. It's been a long time since I properly scanned my face. Blackheads galore. Am not a teenager and don't care anymore. Have got tones of work to do and no time to give each screaming blackhead the attention they need. Puffy eyes from crying before I sleep. - it;s becoming a ritual, the crying.

Black rings under my eyes, lips which can't find any reason to curve upwards anymore and those, sad, empty eyes. To top it off, that new addition on my forehead. Years of 'guilt' carved there and bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders without complaining has taken it's toll. I give myself another 20 years or so. I'd like to see my youngest reach her 20th birthday before I wilt and die. Let them fight and bicker at whatever meager amount left in my CPF account and the 3 miserable bangle and gold ring set in the pawnshop. I have nothing for them apart from the knowledge that I failed to be a good mom and provide the best for my children.

I take it all out on the kids. That's the reason why I cried myself to sleep every night. It's not their fault. I'm so stressed out that I took the cowards' way out by screaming at the kids. Why? Because I can't scream at their Dad.

I'm a lousy mother, a stupid wife and a disappointing daughter. I don't generate happiness. I don't radiate peacefulness. I'm only useful in conceiving children because I can get money from the government (baby bonus) which I will dutifully give to my husband and I'm also useful because I work and I can give my income to my husband every month.

I don't need to buy nice clothes because I'm not pretty and the clothes will look ugly on me. I don't need to save money because there is never enough for savings.

And my mother in law will forever blame me for causing her son's downfall because she is never aware that our financial situation is caused by her son in the first place. She will think that I horde my salary and let her own son suffer.

I don't need to justify. She will never believe what I said anyway.

Dear God, please give me strength. Please give me the courage to go on and be strong for my kids. Please give me patience and guidance. Please...

Birthday Fuss

Selfish
Men can be selfish bastards sometimes.

I wish he's working a full time job with CPF and proper colleagues with regular lunch hours and suitable office hours so that there wouldn't be SMSs on my handphone reminding me that he's horny and wanted a quickie with me. Hello. Some people have to work. Some people have to earn money.

Of course he has all the time in the world when he's driving his cab. He can get horny at odd times and although he didn't ask for it will subtly remind me that he needs a release. That would mean I have to take half day off or something (nevermind the fact that I'm super busy and I'm letting others do my dirty work) because I have to do what a wife is supposed to do, no matter what time of the day it was.

Yes, sometimes we would have a quickie. But most of the time, I'd end up at home cooking a late lunch or early dinner, clean up the house and basically doing household chores when there are tonnes of work to do in the office. I wasted 21 days of my annual leave by early June on stupid things like these. Why? Why am I a selfless bitch?

I hate it when he's driving that cab. I like it when he's working properly. He wouldn't be distracted like this. Although he wouldn't demand that I take leave from work, his hidden words must be understood. I must "volunteer" to take leave and attend to his needs (whatever that may be). Oh he will say things like "If cannot, then nevermind" but I know him. I've know him for 11 fucking years. I must be clever enough to read between the lines and normally, the messages in between are never at my advantage.

He is the type of person who will never listen to my advice until he fall flat on his face and broke his bloody nose. Then, he will say, hmm, perhaps, I shouldn't be doing this. Sometimes, he wouldn't learn a lesson at all and starts blaming others if things do not work out. He'll claim that society is against him, the government is against him, I am against him, the postman that delivers the registered mail is against him. Heck, even the frozen chicken wings in the freezers are against him.

I'm not saying he's selfish per se. I mean, his generosity (if he has money in his pockets) go beyond words. In fact he is not selfish with money. It's his selfishness towards others and me in particular that I can't take at times.

I realised after years of marriage that he took after his father. The old man is generous. Really. I love it when he told me to go to the shops, buy him stuff and keep the change. His dad and him. They're overly generous with money. But sometimes, I just don't understand why they are very particular with birthdays.

I have to remember his birthday or I'll have hell to pay. It happened before and because I don't have money (he took my whole month's salary to pay off his cab rental) and I didn't get him anything, he created such a huge fuss that I have to burn the $15 left in my wallet on chicken rice for him and the kids (nothing for me because I just watch them eat) at JP Banquet. I remembered that night. I had to apologise for not saying Happy Birthday to him. I was left with nothing for lunch and an empty wallet the next day but I'm happy because at least he's no longer angry with me.

His father is very old with a lot of health problems. But I admire his ability to tune out my MIL's nagging. Yesterday was laughable at best. The day before, he had confided in me on his intention of celebrating his birthday at Furama Hotel. Nevermind the fact that it's a buffet and he was on urine tube and couldn't even walk a few metres without toppling over. Nevermind also that he's just freshly out of the hospital after staying there for 9 days because he slipped on his own urine. Nevermind all these because it is his birthday and he wanted to celebrate it with his children. I knew the hopelessness of his plans but I just kept mum.

I don't know what my father-in-law has with birthdays. I mean, if it were me, I'd be terrified. Here I am with poor health, left with at most a few years left in this world, watching TV from dawn to dusk, not bothering to read the Quran or pray thanking Allah s.w.t for every blessed day that I'm allowed to breathe in this earth. I wouldn't be bothering about birthdays. It will be the furthest thing in my mind. Definitely.

So it came as no surprise when my MIL (who is on chemotherapy and just recovered from a major surgery as well) went all out to scold my FIL. She wasted no time in scolding him for making such a fuss about his birthday but never bothering to think of the hereafter. There's a reason Allah extend our life in this earth. There's a reason for being blessed with one more day to live. My poor FIL shed silent tears. He can be so stubborn sometimes but my MIL is right. I wish he would stop about these birthday nonsense. The psychologist in me deduced it as a cry for attention but the cynic says he deserved it because hey, I wasn't raised up in this kind of family environment which is semi-dysfunctional at best. My husband was not sympathetic either because he's a lifetime supporter of my MIL. But then again, that's his father and he's already inherited the bad things from him whether he realised it or not.

And so we ended up ordering pizzas and FIL paying for it. My MIL went on and on about him selfishly thinking of his birthday but not thinking of his deathday. I hope and prayed I wouldn't end up like him. My husband? Oh, I would definitely place my bet on him. I'd probably be long dead and rotten before he turned 76 years old and making a huge fuss to his kids about his birthday. I wouldn't be there to chide him because I never chided him since I'm his stupid wife and I'm nowhere like his mother. He'll be luckier because no one would nag at him because you see, the women in my family never lived passed 69. They spend their entire lives being slaves to selfish men and after menopause just wilted away and die. Just like how I'm going to end up one of these days.

But you get a few laughs here and there no doubt. But never, ever let the selfish men know what you're laughing about. They're too selfish and self-centered to bother about your feelings anyway.

Si Bodoh

Kadang2 memang aku benci dengan dia.

Bukan benci orangnya tapi perangainya. Macam tak serik2. Wahai Encik Agen Rumah. Saya harap awak akan nasihat suami saya cukup2 tentang hasrat dia yang tinggi menggunung untuk membeli rumah privet.

Hairan aku. Sedangkan CPF dia sendiri dah haus. Aku sorang2 yang finance rumah 5 bilik tu. Abih berangan nak beli condo? Siapa nak bayar cik abang oi, kalau tak bini cik abang yang sentiasa taat dan bodoh ni? Selama ni pun aku bagi dia dengar apa yang dia hendak dengar. Seperti?

Dia: You ok ke tak kita go ahead with these?
Aku: (dalam hati) kalau tak ok apa pulak? (aloud) OK

Padahal Tuhan je tau darah nanah dah membuak2 dalam hati ni. Tinggal nak kena muntahkan je. Tak tau bila.

Sebab aku buat perkara bodoh di atas? Kerana kalau aku kata "NOT OK", ceritanya nanti tak akan habis. Mula2 dia kata kenapa? Bila aku explain dia kata explanation aku tak bernas. Tu pun kalau dia bagi aku chance to explain. Kadang2 tak payah explain. Dia buat muka masam. Berhari2 dia merajok. Tu takpe, kalau dah merajok, anak2 aku jadi mangsa. Dia kalau marahkan aku, dia hampuk budak2 tu sekali. Kesian. Selalunya, kalau aku nak avoid this scene, aku akan iyakan je apa dia nak walaupun firasat, naluri perempuan ku kata "Beware!!....Danger!!..Ni Kerja Gila!!". Sebab aku nak dia bahagia. Bila dia happy, he will treat us nicely. Budak2 pun happy. And everybody pun happy. Aku lain. Happy di luar tapi nangis di dalam. All because aku tak nak dia marah2 kat aku and the kids.

Kenapa aku ni bodoh sangat? Ibarat lilin yang menerangi hidop orang lain tapi diri sendiri terbakar?

Incident? Apa incident2 yang berlaku yang mendorong aku tulis kat sini?

1) Dia punya Credit Card
Dulu masa blom kahwin/baru2 kahwin, dia ada apply credit card. Walaupun masa tu dia dapat durian runtuh 30K. Dia lupa yang dia cuma earn 30K pada tahun tu je. Tahun sebelum dan selepasnya dia tak akan earn more than that sebab dia hanya sekadar operator pengeluaran di kilang. Aku tak pernah menghina dia. Aku ikhlas kahwin dengan orang yang rajin, walaupun pelajaran dia tak tinggi. Aku tertarik dengan sikapnya yang penyayang. Aku benci dengan sikapnya yang lupa bila duit ada di genggaman.

Aku cuba nasihat. Dia tempelak balik kat aku. Dia kata dia boleh afford. Bank dah approve. Of course lah bank approve. Your income statement for that year is more than enough. Bank tak tau yang kau dah spend almost all the 30k. How stupid can you be? But no, you wouldn't listen to me. You go ahead. Bila you give me supplementary card and I decline, you said "Kau memang perempuan yang tak sedar untung". Aku masih ingat lagi kata2 ni walaupun 11 tahun dah berlalu.

Memang betol jangkaan ku. Dia tak dapat bayar balik hutang credit card. Dia suroh aku amik loan 10K tutop lobang ni. Tapi dia bukak lobang lain. In the end, mak dia bayarkan 16K for Citibank dan dia kena hampok cukup2 dengan mak dia. Tapi sayangnya, ada lagi credit card yang dia tak declare dengan mak dia, so kena mintak nasihat peguam/penasihat yang tolong settlekan crisis kita dengan bank berkenaan. Last2 pun aku kena bayar duit penasihat tu. Hutang dia dengan bank tu? Dari anak sulung aku umor 3 tahun sampailah kawan tu umor 9 tahun. Baru langsai semua. Dan aku masih lagi kena settlekan loan 10K aku. Siapa yang bodoh? Aku.

2) LGM
Ni lagi satu punya sial. Kita dua orang tengah jalan2 kat Orchard. Kena tahan orang conduct survey. Kena dudok dalam hall abih kena psycho beli rumah kat Austria. Kena bayar duit. Aku tak kisah. Member pakai 3K duit dia dari 30K durian runtuh dia tu. Tapi bulan2 kena bayar $300. Aku dah warning cakap "No". We were co-erced into buying tapi we can always say no and get out. Tapi member termakan taktik sales kotor diaorang. The next day aku gadoh besar dengan dia sampai masok office lambat semata2 aku kata "why are we buying this unit?" Last2 aku terpaksa jugak agree since dia kata dia yang nak bayar bukan aku. Fine.

End up, kita kena tipu lagi bila dorang suroh kita tukar kepada Concepts Vacation, abih ntah apa2 lagi lah. Dari rumah kat Austria, jadik condo kat Australia, abih ntah apa lagi aku pun tak tau end up aku jugak yang kena bayar $350 bulan2 sebab laki aku ni dah takde duit (30K dah habis pun). Empat tahun aku merana dengan LGM sial ni. Satu habok pun tarak. Action konon nak pegi holiday kat Australia. Porah!!. Siapa yang bodoh dalam perkara ni? Aku jugak.

3) Kereta
Ni susah sikit nak argue sebab mula2 aku memang dah kata "No, we can't afford it". Tapi waktu tu dah malam. Anak aku dah tidor dan bila dia dengar aku kata "No", mata dia dah belolok besar dan dia kata "BOLEH!!!". Aku diam je lah. Kang malam2 buta dia loktang, susah jugak aku. Seperti biasa, aku matikan diri. Buat bodoh. Tapi aku research dalam diam. Aku tau kereta bukan sekadar bayaran ansuran bulan2. Kereta kena road tax & insurance. Walaupun setahun sekali tapi kalau tak ada simpanan dan proper planning, mana kau nak korek duit insurance selepuk? Kita sendiri hidop cukup2 makan. Macam mana nak menabong? Tiap2 tahun bila part nak renew insurance dia pikiran. Nasib baik aku ada bonus tengah tahun. Dulu insurance boleh bayar ansuran tapi sekarang dah tak boleh unless paid by credit card. Tu baru soal insurance. Belom lagi soal carpark, coupon OPC, saman, servicing, tukar tayar dll.

Aku mengaku kereta tu memang banyak berjasa kat aku. Semasa aku nak beranak dulu pun dia yang tolong aku hantar pegi hospital. Aku boleh pergi menziarah dengan kereta tu. Memang berguna. Dulu memang kita boleh settle sebab laki aku kerja tetap. Sejak 2-3 tahun kebelakangan ni, rasa2 macam aku je yang kena korban tiap2 kali soal insurance kereta muncul.

4) Credit Card Si Bodoh
Ni kali aku yang betol2 bodoh. Dia suroh aku apply. Aku ikotkan sebab aku tak nak anak2 aku merana kalau bapak dia marah2 kat aku. Kerana gaji dah lebih 30K setahun, aku terpaksa akur. Dengan berat hati, aku apply. Dalam hati ni cakap "Woi Bengang!! Tak serik2 ke?!!! Siapa nak tolong kau kalau kena bayar balik hutang2 ni? Mak dia dulu banyak duit boleh tolong dia. Mak bapak kau mana ada duit nak tolong kau?" Suara hati aku lancang mengherdik tapi sebab aku takotkan laki aku, terpaksa aku turutkan.

Memang dari luar aku nampak happy sebab aku suka kalau dia happy. Dia juga promise nak tolong aku settle. Oh waktu tu dunia dia yang punya. Pergi holiday, belanja, jalan2, happy2. Sebab aku cuma tinggal "sign je". Bila duit dah habis, bill dah masok, mulalah menggelabah. Siapa kena settle hutang2 ygn mencecah 20K lebih? Ya...si Bodoh ni jugak.

5) Teksi
Lima tahun yang lalu, masa anak kedua aku baru umor setahun, dia belajar amik lesen teksi. Memang tekun. Aku suka kalau dia tekun dan bersungguh2 buat sesuatu. Tapi aku tak tau yang I have to bear the consequences. Tup2 dia kata dia nak jadik cabbie full time. Aku terperanjat berok sial.

Cabbie? Full time? Kalau kerja production sekurang2nya ada MC, ada Cuti, ada CPF. Ni full time cabbie apa ada? Aku diam je. Tak banyak songeh sebab aku tau kalau aku bukak mulut memang perang besar. He is aware that I am not happy. Dia sendiri bilang aku yang dia perasan yang aku "tak berapa suka". Sekali lagi aku diam. Tak kuasa nyah. Lagipun aku try to think positive. Apek2 teksi driver anak2 dorang pergi university. Bini dorang tak kerja. Kawan aku sendiri adek bradek 5 semua kerja kencang2, abang dia pilot kapal terbang lagi semua hasil titik peloh bapak dia yg bawak teksi. Lagipun laki aku convince aku pasal peak hour, perancangan masa dan macam2 lagi. Lagi best dia kata dia boleh bawak balik 2K sebulan. Wow!..2K eh.. orait ar.

Tapi sebelum tu, boleh tak aku pinjamkan $500 untuk dia bayar deposit teksi? Nanti dapat duit kicap dia bayar balik lah. Aku memang tak pernah harap dia bayar balik so aku kira $500 tu burn suah lah. So, isteri yang taat setia ni hulurkan lah $500 deposit. (Memang betol, dia tak bayar balik pun)

Bulan pertama ok. Dia rajin sebab excited lah katakan. Semangat berkobar2. Hidong kembang kuncup dapat pegang cash in hand. Tapi seperti yang aku jangkakan, laki aku sekali lagi cuma nampak luaran. Dia lupa teksi ni kena tolak duit sewa dan duit minyak. Kita kena rajin sebab kalau ikot office hour, memang tak cukup. Dia kata dia letih bawak lama2. Memang to be fair, aku tak paksa dia kerja terok2. Pas tu dia kena hospitalised. Bukan sekali tapi dua tahun berturut2 dia kena tumbuhan yang sama kat kelengkang dia. Kalau dah hospitalised, kurang2 tiga minggu baru boleh bawak teksi. Dalam 3 minggu tu aku anak beranak makan sop je lah. Tapi aku bersyukur sekurang2nya aku masih ada lagi income untuk tolong settlekan mana2 yang tak cukup.

Dah 5 tahun laki aku bawak teksi. Tiap2 kali dia tukar teksi kena bayar deposit dan tiap2 kali tu jugak aku kena sponsor. Tu takpe, CPF dia dah kering. Medisave sekarang kena top-up lagi 2K. Aku sorang2 kena finance rumah HDB tu. Abih bill Api Air, Cable, Internet, Telephone, Service and Conservancy, Handphone dah mula belonggok tak boleh settle sebab kalau harapkan gaji aku memang tak cukup. Tu blom masok bill credit card aku. Tapi pantang nenek moyang dia kalau aku complain. So aku telan je. Dah lah tu, rental teksi pun dia tak bayar sebab nak bayar benda lain. Last2 aku jugak kena cover bayar dia punya teksi rental. Ayat yang dia paling pantang dengar "You tak bawak teksi niari?". Awas kalau tersebut ayat tu pada hujung minggu. Confirm loktang punya.

Aku takot nak nangis depan dia sebab dia kata nak bunuh diri. Gila kan? Kalau nak bunuh diri apasal nak babitkan bini dengan anak2? Kau yang pandai2 buat decision tak pikir masa depan abih nak commit suicide sama2 konon. Fucking bullshit lah. Nak sangat mati sesat?

So aku pikol lah semua ni sorang2. Nangis sorang2. Stress sorang2. Dia tak perlu tau. Siapa yang bodoh? Aku jugak.

6) Sewa
Sekarang ni aku anak beranak dudok merempat. Sewakan rumah pindah rumah mak bapak aku konon. Mula2 ok lah. Tapi bila mak bapak aku mula tak happy dengan ke'malas'an dia, dan buat muka masam, dia dah tak happy. Dia demand kenapa mak bapak aku camni. Dipendekkan cerita end up aku tinggalkan keluarga aku demi suami tercinta dan dudok kat JB. Tapi masalah tetap tak settle. Anak aku sampai quit madrasah sebab tak bayar fees. Yuran kindergarden anak bongsu aku pun dah 2 bulan tertunggak tak settle.

Abih dalam perot ni ada lagi satu nak keluar. Aku bingung. Perasaan aku tertekan. Aku marah, sedih, geram dengan keadaan aku sekarang. Sampaikan aku tak terpikir langsong nak beli baju baby. Seluar aku yg dah sendat aku terpaksa tampal dengan stokin anak aku kat bahagian pinggang sebab tak mampu nak beli seluar maternity. Nak beli suar dalam pun pikir 10 kali. Aku takot tak cukup duit.

Laki aku tetap dengan sikap dia. Dia akan bawak teksi tapi bila aku gaji, dia slack. Bila nak dapat duit kicap $400, dia slack. Bila duit sewa rumah masok, pun dia slack. End up 70% of our income pegi kat duit rental teksi dia. Cam ni bila nak game?

Aku dah bosan. Ikotkan hati memang aku nak lari bawak anak2 aku. Tapi pikir2 balik, dia memang suami yang baik. Dia pandai amik hati aku if he make the effort. Dia sorang je yang nak kan aku sebab jantan2 keparat lain tak nak. Dia baik dengan anak2 aku. Cuma sifat pemalas dia ni yang aku tak boleh angkat. Oops "pemalas" tu tak boleh cakap kuat2. Pantang.

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Aku dah penat. Dah tak larat nak bergadoh lagi. Sekurang2 nya keturunan aku perempuan2nya tak hidop sampai 70. Dia punya lain. Dah 90 pun masih liat tak mau gol2. Dah nasib aku macam gini. Dah bahagian aku kat sini. Kerjalah aku sampai dapat CPF yang tak seberapa sen tu. Hidop si Bodoh tak mencapai impiannya dan mati terbongkang cam tu je. Kerja macam nak mampos untuk kesenangan orang lain. Tapi takpelah, at least dia happy sebab dapat bini bodoh yang tak banyak songeh...