The Two Faces of Facebook Part II

And then you have your friends in Facebook. The small amount left after the sifting and rejecting by the QC master.

We have the good friends.  Decent ones who passed the test and are polite throughout.  They have no idea what your life is like.  But you don't have to tell them do you?  Let us live merrily thinking all is fair in love and war.

But this doesn't stop you from observing.  You don't have to 'like' or 'comment'.  They post the pictures and it's up to you to view their life.  You feel so happy for them all the while struggling to keep the green eyed monster in the dungean where it belongs.

You have the insanely rich friend like Ms S who make you giddy just by imagining how much they have in their back vaults.  You sighed when they posted pictures of countless hermes bags in their walk-in closets.  You ooh-ed and ah-ed their holiday pictures in Milan, Greece and far to reach places.  You felt happy that you walk past the F1 race gates and hear the roaring engines (although you didn't get to see it because you couldn't afford the tickets) while your well-to-do friend is sitting at the Marina Mandarin balcony sipping champagne and taking pictures of the supercars lining up below.

You wondered in surprise when Ms S posted "holiday in Pahang" and you thought "eh, going local?" Then she posted her Ferrari and you go ooh.  What better way to test the 400 horsepower than zooming across the north south highway?  See? Even Ms S can make a simple holiday across the causeway in style.

Lucky Ms S and her District 10 address.

Then you have the friend who added you as if whatever hell she put you through in secondary school didn't exist.  Of course.  No tormentor ever remembered their absolutely bad behaviour.  It's the tormented who usually bears the scars. 

So she behaved as what she was.  Snobbish. Until one fine day she started messaging you and asked about your life, your kids, your work.  See, if she bothers to look at your timeline, she would know the answers to all these but well, there's always a prawn behind a rock.

Many appropriate questions later, she will casually slipped in about this part-time job she has.  Being slightly clever now, you know what she is getting at.  Unlike her, you looked through your news page.  You look through her profile pics.  You know what she's been doing.  All those meetings with 'partners', million dollar community meetings and seminars.  All boils down to one thing.  Multi-level marketing.  You can paint it any way you like.  The ultimate tagline is "bring a sucker (oops, friend) and you get rewarded". 

You've had your fair share of MLM.  You hated it but you're always dragged into it by Mr High and Mighty.  You despise the thought of becoming a two-faced shit and being overly friendly just because you want your reward.  You befriend people whom you hate just so that you can can fulfill your quota.

So she asked you if you want to attend a no obligation meeting.  You politely declined.  Then she gets aggressive and spam you with testimonials and holier-than-thou products.  Now you know why you're never her friend in secondary school to begin with.  You firmly said no.  Her last words were, "Better to act now because in a few years there will be more people in this market and you're left biting dust".  Haha - you already know that too.

You feel so jaded by all these but you take everything in stride.  You know there's two sides to a coin and there's always a reason behind everything.

Maybe it's about time we clean up our facebook pages eh..

The Two Faces of Facebook Part I

The bane of having a Facebook account. You think it's so nice to link up with old friends. Little would you know it will teach you so much more in 2 years than 20 years of your life put together.

It was so much fun at first. We have friends you have not met in ages adding you up in their friends list. Updates, how-do-you-dos are exchanged. Family photos, vacation shots, what you just did, what you wear, what you eat. Everything is published for the whole world to see.

Then, everything just went sour. Your hubby hates the thought of you linking up with male friends just because you open your big, fat mouth and said Mr so-and-so earn 3.5k a month and he didn't have that much of an education in the first place. You naively thought it will motivate him who didn't have to work because he just don't feel like it. No. His royal majesty gets jealous and you have to "volunteer" to delete all the male species in your friends list. It doesn't matter that you never attend gatherings or tete-a-tete with your girl friends out of respect for your master. You didn't even bother to ask for permission. Oh no, HE can have all sorts of friends on his list. Both male AND female. HE can attend all the gatherings dragging you along if he wants to. HE can have a gazillion friends because HE is your master. You just get the short end of the stick when you decided to marry him.

So this coupled with financial worry and the stress of having to make ends meet turned you into an introvert monster. Somehow along the way, you learn to get smart and work around the system. You throw precaution in the wind because you thought you don't deserve this shit of a life.

Enter the ex-man. Uh-huh. He would make you regret your life decisions. He would make you think twice about your so-called humdrum life. He would make you think life is worth living again. You just have to choose. Heaven or Hell.

It’s a good thing you got smarter after that. You blocked the ex-man and you resume your life. Shit or no shit and picked up the pieces one by one. If at any one time you got mistreated, emotionally abused, screamed at, threatened, humiliated or just plain hated by his royal highness, you tell yourself that this is to make up for all the sins you’ve done and you’re paying for it. Hopefully, GOD will forgive you. It’s the only chance you’re riding on.

You then reduce the amount of time in facebook. You don’t post often and you privatized your posts. You get wiser and did not post your unhappiness in your status updates. Everyone knew you’re happy. So you let it be.

You live your life serving as a slave for his royal highness. He signed the marriage contract and he gets a maid, a slave whom he can humiliate and a prostitute. Only thing is, he didn’t have to pay a single cent for the services rendered by the above.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom

Hate to hurt your feelings. It pains me to see you sad and disappointed with me. The resignation in your face tore my heart away. It's him. He made me hurt you. He made me into a monster. Into what I am today. He made me submit, weak and helpless. He stamped my freedom and he broke me. Turned me into what I am today - a worthless piece if shit. Forgive me for I have sinned. Forgive me for abandoning you in your twilight years. You have given me life and this is how I repay you. Dear God. Give her peace.  Grant her wishes and place upon her among your faithfuls.

He only thinks of himself. How hurt he was by your actions. He didn't think how hurt I would be. He didn't consider the fact that I have feelings too. He didn't know all these because I was too stupid to open my mouth.

I let him rule me. I let him decide. The clothes I wear, the way I talk, the money I earned, even the way I sneezed.

I am trapped. Helpless. There is no way out because I'll be at the losing end.

After life with him, I thought love didn't exist anymore. There is no such thing. I forgot about your unconditional love. I forgot about how the kids love me too although I'm always losing patience with them.

I regret being like this. Being the worthless thing that I am. I just want you to know that you're a good woman.

I love you mum...

Return of the Living Dead

That number again. Was at my uppity, bestest mood and the caller ID showed that bloody number under 'missed calls'. What the Fuck!!.. Oh I know that number alright. After 1 year of silence, his royal highness decided to call and ask wassup(?) like nothing had happened. Am I supposed to return that call? Of course not! Am not wasting my time. He can go fuck a camel for all I care. Bloody emmeffing shit.!!!

And so it was fated that I have to accidentally returned his call this morning because I seriously thought it was a client's number (really...it was an innocent company number.!) and guess who picked up the phone? Of course I was reluctant to talk but since he finally got my attention I figured it's high time I give him a piece of my mind and have fun at the same time. Hah! Let him sweat....

First up was the monosyllabic moronic response. How are you? Fine. How's everything? Fine. How's life? Ok. Where are you staying? Somewhere. Macam tak suka je? Tau takpe.

It was then that I brought out the big guns. What a heady feeling! That was like the best tele-orgasm of my life! Finally!! All those months of resentment, tsk tsk..

His excuses were lame and pathetic. As usual. I'm not going to bow down to this. Not anymore. It's bad enough I'm nothing but a stupid wife to a husband who bullies me, I'm not going to add stupid dumbass to that list too. But then again, stupid dumbass has already made it's way to the list because my husband always says I'm stupid anyway.

Goodbye my once, sweet romeo. I'll bet sex with you will be as hot as when we make out back in '96. But I'm also betting that life with you will be the same bloody shit as it already is for me now.

I don't want to hear from you and I don't care what the fuck you felt about me. You've abandoned me twice and whatever promises you made - well, you can just jolly well shove it up your own ass!!

What makes you think I'm crawling back meekly into your arms? What makes you think I will love you again the way I did blindly ages ago when I was a very virgin 21 year old? What makes you think I will sit by the phone and willed it to ring hoping that it was you on the other line like how I did stupidly long, long ago? What makes you think that I think so highly of you now that you've proven what an arsehole you really are?

I hate you and I don't want to see or hear from you ever again. Ever!!!

Have a nice fucking life!!..

Sins of a Lesser Being

Take all the blame. It's your fault anyway. Atone for all your sins. You deserve whatever that has befallen you. Who says you deserve happiness? There is never such a thing. Happiness is when everyone else is happy. You just stand on the fringes - if they let you. Otherwise your existence is only to be tolerated. Like the much needed domestic help. If you've served your time, they'll just send you away. 

You're never of much use anyway. You are brainless and stupid. Your purpose in this world is to work and submit all your income to the relevant party.  You produce so that others will be happy. You have no say in this matter for you have all hell to pay if you ever open your stinky mouth. 

You are nothing to them. You will serve your time until you are no longer useful. Your bones will be weak and you'll be kicked out of the workforce. 

For a short period they will love you for the savings that can finally be withdrawn. Once that ran out, you are back to the worthless creature that you are and find yourself standing on the fringe again waiting to meet your creator, ever hopeful that your past sins didn't catch up with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm tired. Just tired. I never had it easy but I'm not complaining.

Someone told me that the reason why we're tested is because the Almighty knows we're strong enough to face it. That explains why others are lucky all the time. It's because they're weak - really.

I don't know how long I can last in this. But I must be grateful that at least I'm not living under a bridge somewhere in a third world country.

Why me?

There is a permanent frown etched on my forehead. I can't get rid of it. I noticed it one morning when I actually stopped to properly looked at myself in the mirror in all my just-woke-up-from-sleep glory. It's been a long time since I properly scanned my face. Blackheads galore. Am not a teenager and don't care anymore. Have got tones of work to do and no time to give each screaming blackhead the attention they need. Puffy eyes from crying before I sleep. - it;s becoming a ritual, the crying.

Black rings under my eyes, lips which can't find any reason to curve upwards anymore and those, sad, empty eyes. To top it off, that new addition on my forehead. Years of 'guilt' carved there and bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders without complaining has taken it's toll. I give myself another 20 years or so. I'd like to see my youngest reach her 20th birthday before I wilt and die. Let them fight and bicker at whatever meager amount left in my CPF account and the 3 miserable bangle and gold ring set in the pawnshop. I have nothing for them apart from the knowledge that I failed to be a good mom and provide the best for my children.

I take it all out on the kids. That's the reason why I cried myself to sleep every night. It's not their fault. I'm so stressed out that I took the cowards' way out by screaming at the kids. Why? Because I can't scream at their Dad.

I'm a lousy mother, a stupid wife and a disappointing daughter. I don't generate happiness. I don't radiate peacefulness. I'm only useful in conceiving children because I can get money from the government (baby bonus) which I will dutifully give to my husband and I'm also useful because I work and I can give my income to my husband every month.

I don't need to buy nice clothes because I'm not pretty and the clothes will look ugly on me. I don't need to save money because there is never enough for savings.

And my mother in law will forever blame me for causing her son's downfall because she is never aware that our financial situation is caused by her son in the first place. She will think that I horde my salary and let her own son suffer.

I don't need to justify. She will never believe what I said anyway.

Dear God, please give me strength. Please give me the courage to go on and be strong for my kids. Please give me patience and guidance. Please...

Birthday Fuss

Selfish
Men can be selfish bastards sometimes.

I wish he's working a full time job with CPF and proper colleagues with regular lunch hours and suitable office hours so that there wouldn't be SMSs on my handphone reminding me that he's horny and wanted a quickie with me. Hello. Some people have to work. Some people have to earn money.

Of course he has all the time in the world when he's driving his cab. He can get horny at odd times and although he didn't ask for it will subtly remind me that he needs a release. That would mean I have to take half day off or something (nevermind the fact that I'm super busy and I'm letting others do my dirty work) because I have to do what a wife is supposed to do, no matter what time of the day it was.

Yes, sometimes we would have a quickie. But most of the time, I'd end up at home cooking a late lunch or early dinner, clean up the house and basically doing household chores when there are tonnes of work to do in the office. I wasted 21 days of my annual leave by early June on stupid things like these. Why? Why am I a selfless bitch?

I hate it when he's driving that cab. I like it when he's working properly. He wouldn't be distracted like this. Although he wouldn't demand that I take leave from work, his hidden words must be understood. I must "volunteer" to take leave and attend to his needs (whatever that may be). Oh he will say things like "If cannot, then nevermind" but I know him. I've know him for 11 fucking years. I must be clever enough to read between the lines and normally, the messages in between are never at my advantage.

He is the type of person who will never listen to my advice until he fall flat on his face and broke his bloody nose. Then, he will say, hmm, perhaps, I shouldn't be doing this. Sometimes, he wouldn't learn a lesson at all and starts blaming others if things do not work out. He'll claim that society is against him, the government is against him, I am against him, the postman that delivers the registered mail is against him. Heck, even the frozen chicken wings in the freezers are against him.

I'm not saying he's selfish per se. I mean, his generosity (if he has money in his pockets) go beyond words. In fact he is not selfish with money. It's his selfishness towards others and me in particular that I can't take at times.

I realised after years of marriage that he took after his father. The old man is generous. Really. I love it when he told me to go to the shops, buy him stuff and keep the change. His dad and him. They're overly generous with money. But sometimes, I just don't understand why they are very particular with birthdays.

I have to remember his birthday or I'll have hell to pay. It happened before and because I don't have money (he took my whole month's salary to pay off his cab rental) and I didn't get him anything, he created such a huge fuss that I have to burn the $15 left in my wallet on chicken rice for him and the kids (nothing for me because I just watch them eat) at JP Banquet. I remembered that night. I had to apologise for not saying Happy Birthday to him. I was left with nothing for lunch and an empty wallet the next day but I'm happy because at least he's no longer angry with me.

His father is very old with a lot of health problems. But I admire his ability to tune out my MIL's nagging. Yesterday was laughable at best. The day before, he had confided in me on his intention of celebrating his birthday at Furama Hotel. Nevermind the fact that it's a buffet and he was on urine tube and couldn't even walk a few metres without toppling over. Nevermind also that he's just freshly out of the hospital after staying there for 9 days because he slipped on his own urine. Nevermind all these because it is his birthday and he wanted to celebrate it with his children. I knew the hopelessness of his plans but I just kept mum.

I don't know what my father-in-law has with birthdays. I mean, if it were me, I'd be terrified. Here I am with poor health, left with at most a few years left in this world, watching TV from dawn to dusk, not bothering to read the Quran or pray thanking Allah s.w.t for every blessed day that I'm allowed to breathe in this earth. I wouldn't be bothering about birthdays. It will be the furthest thing in my mind. Definitely.

So it came as no surprise when my MIL (who is on chemotherapy and just recovered from a major surgery as well) went all out to scold my FIL. She wasted no time in scolding him for making such a fuss about his birthday but never bothering to think of the hereafter. There's a reason Allah extend our life in this earth. There's a reason for being blessed with one more day to live. My poor FIL shed silent tears. He can be so stubborn sometimes but my MIL is right. I wish he would stop about these birthday nonsense. The psychologist in me deduced it as a cry for attention but the cynic says he deserved it because hey, I wasn't raised up in this kind of family environment which is semi-dysfunctional at best. My husband was not sympathetic either because he's a lifetime supporter of my MIL. But then again, that's his father and he's already inherited the bad things from him whether he realised it or not.

And so we ended up ordering pizzas and FIL paying for it. My MIL went on and on about him selfishly thinking of his birthday but not thinking of his deathday. I hope and prayed I wouldn't end up like him. My husband? Oh, I would definitely place my bet on him. I'd probably be long dead and rotten before he turned 76 years old and making a huge fuss to his kids about his birthday. I wouldn't be there to chide him because I never chided him since I'm his stupid wife and I'm nowhere like his mother. He'll be luckier because no one would nag at him because you see, the women in my family never lived passed 69. They spend their entire lives being slaves to selfish men and after menopause just wilted away and die. Just like how I'm going to end up one of these days.

But you get a few laughs here and there no doubt. But never, ever let the selfish men know what you're laughing about. They're too selfish and self-centered to bother about your feelings anyway.