Today is 30 March 2010. It's a Tuesday. Thank goodness it's not raining. But for 17years, 30 March has never left me in peace.
30 March every year is hard.
30 March on a Tuesday morning is especially hard.
30 March on a rainy Tuesday morning is 100 times that.
I've made peace with myself for the past 17 years and I have come to accept the fact that come 30 March every year, I have to resigned myself to that one lonesome moment of sadness, melancholy and that sudden stream of conscious tour in my head.
30 March is when I met 925 afterwhich, I lived in an exciting once-in-a-lifetime bubble of excitement that lasted for 43 heady days. It was a dream that came true literally. However, dreams don't really last that long and I was quickly brought back to reality before finally realising that you couldn't get what you want especially if the person you love didn't really love you back.
However, it was a long time before I can face that fact and I probably will never get over it. They have since build a covered walkway from his block to the bus stop. If that thing was erected 17 years ago, I'd probably not dwell on this and 30 March will be like any other day. History would have rewritten itself and I would have saved myself this misery.
I missed you even though I hated to admit it.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Makanan Halal Jelajah Blakang Rumah
Kemarin, masa ngah flip2 channel aku terflip Suria. Adalah satu programme Malaysia ni title "Makanan Halal Jelajah Dunia" with Hani Khauser. Masa baru2 start tu, dia show lah nama2 negeri yang bakal mereka jelajahi. Ada Hong Kong, Thailand, Singapore, dan lagi berapa kerat lagi lah.
Paler hotak dorang ler Jelajah dunia. Apa kedahaknya.....tu cuma Jelajah ASIA je. Ngok betol lah dorang ni...nak attract viewership tu agak2lah. Viewer skarang pun bukannya bodoh sangat. Masok google jer tau Kampung Tok Siak tu kat mana.
Anyway, masa episode yang aku tertengok tu, dorang shoot kat Singapore. Yelah, negeri sendiri..mestilah nak tengok apa yang dorang tunjuk. Mana lah tau ada tunjuk tempat makanan halal yang selama ni tercorok kat corner2 yang aku tak pernah pegi.
Sekali mak kau....dia pi kat Geylang lah. Sumer orang tau tu port orang2 melayu Singapore. Of course lah kat situ ada makanan halal. Kalau yang tak halal pun, yg bedal pun orang2 melayu yang Islamnya cuma tertera kat IC je...
Whatever lah. Kalau rancangan tu nak ditunjuk kat orang2 Malaysia sekalipun, takkanlah dorang tak tau Singapore ni takde langsong makanan halal? Ok, mungkin dorang tak tau. Maklumlah, kadang2 jiran kat atas tu dengar2 cakap orang je. Nak2 kalau ketua api2 kan...abih for no reason, benci kat kita yang kat bawah ni. Biasalah kan...orang melayu...ada PHD. Penyakit Hasad Dengki...
Cuma aku tak paham apasal programme tu tunjuk Geylang aje. Abih lepas tu dorang gi Orchard Road. Bukannya makan, tapi setakat tengok Lampu krismas. Apa motive lah? Ni rancangan makan makanan ke makan angin? Shoot kat restoran2 halal kat Orchard tu kan bagus.
Hello, fast food kat sini banyak yang halal tau. Gerai makanan halal memang BELAMBAK kat Singapore. Bukan fast food je, makanan asing yang certified halal pun banyak. Pendek kata, kalau mat and minah malaysia turun Singapore, dorang takkan mati kebulur lah.
Lainlah kalau kat negeri yang tak ramai orang islam. Ceh...
Tu pasal title rancangan ni merepek. Jelajah dunia tu maknanya, satu dunia cik kak oiii.......yang awak jelajah tu setakat benua asia je...dalam dunia ada banyak lagi benua. Asia tu benua kat belakang kampung awak je......tu pun tak semua yang awak cover. Kalau korang shoot kat Amsterdam ke, Belgium ke, Timbaktu ke, Los Angeles ke, Czech Republik ke.....baru orang respek. Tu baru betol2 Jelahah Dunia. Apa? Tak cukup budget? Then, janganlah pandai2 letak title JELAJAH DUNIA (jari Hani buat pusingan satu bulatan) camlah korang betol2 pusing satu dunia.
Paler hotak dorang ler Jelajah dunia. Apa kedahaknya.....tu cuma Jelajah ASIA je. Ngok betol lah dorang ni...nak attract viewership tu agak2lah. Viewer skarang pun bukannya bodoh sangat. Masok google jer tau Kampung Tok Siak tu kat mana.
Anyway, masa episode yang aku tertengok tu, dorang shoot kat Singapore. Yelah, negeri sendiri..mestilah nak tengok apa yang dorang tunjuk. Mana lah tau ada tunjuk tempat makanan halal yang selama ni tercorok kat corner2 yang aku tak pernah pegi.
Sekali mak kau....dia pi kat Geylang lah. Sumer orang tau tu port orang2 melayu Singapore. Of course lah kat situ ada makanan halal. Kalau yang tak halal pun, yg bedal pun orang2 melayu yang Islamnya cuma tertera kat IC je...
Whatever lah. Kalau rancangan tu nak ditunjuk kat orang2 Malaysia sekalipun, takkanlah dorang tak tau Singapore ni takde langsong makanan halal? Ok, mungkin dorang tak tau. Maklumlah, kadang2 jiran kat atas tu dengar2 cakap orang je. Nak2 kalau ketua api2 kan...abih for no reason, benci kat kita yang kat bawah ni. Biasalah kan...orang melayu...ada PHD. Penyakit Hasad Dengki...
Cuma aku tak paham apasal programme tu tunjuk Geylang aje. Abih lepas tu dorang gi Orchard Road. Bukannya makan, tapi setakat tengok Lampu krismas. Apa motive lah? Ni rancangan makan makanan ke makan angin? Shoot kat restoran2 halal kat Orchard tu kan bagus.
Hello, fast food kat sini banyak yang halal tau. Gerai makanan halal memang BELAMBAK kat Singapore. Bukan fast food je, makanan asing yang certified halal pun banyak. Pendek kata, kalau mat and minah malaysia turun Singapore, dorang takkan mati kebulur lah.
Lainlah kalau kat negeri yang tak ramai orang islam. Ceh...
Tu pasal title rancangan ni merepek. Jelajah dunia tu maknanya, satu dunia cik kak oiii.......yang awak jelajah tu setakat benua asia je...dalam dunia ada banyak lagi benua. Asia tu benua kat belakang kampung awak je......tu pun tak semua yang awak cover. Kalau korang shoot kat Amsterdam ke, Belgium ke, Timbaktu ke, Los Angeles ke, Czech Republik ke.....baru orang respek. Tu baru betol2 Jelahah Dunia. Apa? Tak cukup budget? Then, janganlah pandai2 letak title JELAJAH DUNIA (jari Hani buat pusingan satu bulatan) camlah korang betol2 pusing satu dunia.
Songs that Haunt me Till this Day
With or Without You - U2
Sweet Lullaby - Deep Forest
Once in a Lifetime - Gregorian
Streets of Philadelphia - Bruce Springsteen
Fields of Gold - Sting
I'll Remember - Madonna
Believe - Marcella Detroit
Ordinary World - Duran Duran
Sweet Lullaby - Deep Forest
Once in a Lifetime - Gregorian
Streets of Philadelphia - Bruce Springsteen
Fields of Gold - Sting
I'll Remember - Madonna
Believe - Marcella Detroit
Ordinary World - Duran Duran
Monday, March 30, 2009
Tuesday, 30 March 1993
Today is 30 Mar 2009. Exactly 16 years since that fateful, rainy Tuesday morning. Nope. I couldn't get over it. I've tried shaking it off, but I finally have to accept that fact that you will always be a part of my memory, best kept away from everything else.
This secret I harboured will stay with me. The bittersweet memories will always be with me for as long as I live.
You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I have always loved you since.
Now that we lead two different lives, there shouldn't be any reason why I have to keep all this up. Like I said. I couldn't shake it off. The impact left too big a crater inside my heart. I couldn't forget everything because I remembered everything too darn well.
This secret I harboured will stay with me. The bittersweet memories will always be with me for as long as I live.
You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I have always loved you since.
Now that we lead two different lives, there shouldn't be any reason why I have to keep all this up. Like I said. I couldn't shake it off. The impact left too big a crater inside my heart. I couldn't forget everything because I remembered everything too darn well.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Found
I have no idea whatsoever. It was that true. It couldn't possibly be, but it is. Now that the fact has been established, what's next? For once, I'm at a total loss.
For ages, I've been googling his name. I keep coming up with the worsening traffic situation in Dubai and one particular road toll system which incidentally shared the same name as him.
He did told me once that his name means "traveller". I still remembered that time. We were in bus number 174 after he met me at the Somerset Bus stop. I refused to say out his name. He was so hurt...but hey, I so love to tease him, afterall, he can be merciless when it comes to doing the same to me.
Then I discovered Facebook and after sieving through his old school mates, I still couldn't locate him. It wasn't until I chanced upon a picture a guy friend of mine posted. This friend used to be in the same secondary school as me. Throughout our 5 years in that school, the total conversation we've ever had came out to an average total of 2 sentences per year. So it was a pleasant surprise when he chatted me up one night and talked. Just general how do you dos. That was about it.
I was casually browsing thru his old photos when I hit upon a pic that has the "traveller" in it. For a moment, I was totally stumped. My friend happened to be online and I grilled him. My heart just stopped beating when he typed "salik". OMG.
For ages, I've been googling his name. I keep coming up with the worsening traffic situation in Dubai and one particular road toll system which incidentally shared the same name as him.
He did told me once that his name means "traveller". I still remembered that time. We were in bus number 174 after he met me at the Somerset Bus stop. I refused to say out his name. He was so hurt...but hey, I so love to tease him, afterall, he can be merciless when it comes to doing the same to me.
Then I discovered Facebook and after sieving through his old school mates, I still couldn't locate him. It wasn't until I chanced upon a picture a guy friend of mine posted. This friend used to be in the same secondary school as me. Throughout our 5 years in that school, the total conversation we've ever had came out to an average total of 2 sentences per year. So it was a pleasant surprise when he chatted me up one night and talked. Just general how do you dos. That was about it.
I was casually browsing thru his old photos when I hit upon a pic that has the "traveller" in it. For a moment, I was totally stumped. My friend happened to be online and I grilled him. My heart just stopped beating when he typed "salik". OMG.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Bittersweet Memories
Sometimes I don't know why I do this to myself. Bygones should be left as bygones. History belonged to the past. Why dredge all the memories up when everyone around me has moved on? In other words, why can't I get a life?!!...
I thought I could get over it. God, it's been 16 years already! Why? I love inflicting this pain upon myself, it's almost becoming a passion.
I was assigned to Bishan campus to do auditing again. I prepared myself by downloading all those hits of 1993. Songs which brings so much memories just by the intro chords. The haunting tunes accompanied me in the long, familiar, slow walk from the MRT station to the school.
Walking beside the late comers reminded me so much of myself back then. Hearing their giggles and laughter, oblivious to the world and having so much fun invokes a flood of memories, that I actually cried by the time I reached the school gates. It was that painful.
At the gates, I hesitated before walking in. All those bittersweet memories just refused to go away. This is not the first time I've been here after I graduated. It's the third freakin' time. Why can't I just let it all go away?
Maybe deep inside, I still wished that I'm there experiencing it all over again. I wanted to turn back the clock so that I could re-live that moment all over again and perhaps not make the same mistakes I did back then. I wanted to feel that adrenaline rush again. That heart stopping moment when you had your first crush. The glow you get when your crush responded to you. The circle of friends around you offering their advice, lame jokes and beautiful friendship. The excitement of performing on stage in front of the whole school. The many hours spent practicing for an event or mugging for an important test.
Perhaps there were too many unanswered questions. Too many bittersweet memories overcrowding my senses. It's just too difficult to put it into words.
Somehow or rather, I managed to survive the entire day. I did not venture into the classrooms or the school canteen for fear of treading into the memory zone again and making myself cry in front of the hordes of teenages having the time of their lives.
I have to admit, I'm still living in the past. Maybe I should just quit and work somewhere. Move on with my life. Why subject myself to this misery time and time again? Because I couldn't help it. I am still lost in 1993. I couldn't move on. I've tried and failed miserably. I am still in love with 925, it hurts so much. There is no closure. We just drifted apart. Worst, he didn't even care and here I am hurting myself year in and out, celebrating the anniversary of the umbrella incident every year without fail. I would relive the moment starting at 6.30 in the morning. I would drown myself in those sorrowful tunes that makes me pine and ache for him. I missed him so much, it hurts...literally.
I thought I could get over it. God, it's been 16 years already! Why? I love inflicting this pain upon myself, it's almost becoming a passion.
I was assigned to Bishan campus to do auditing again. I prepared myself by downloading all those hits of 1993. Songs which brings so much memories just by the intro chords. The haunting tunes accompanied me in the long, familiar, slow walk from the MRT station to the school.
Walking beside the late comers reminded me so much of myself back then. Hearing their giggles and laughter, oblivious to the world and having so much fun invokes a flood of memories, that I actually cried by the time I reached the school gates. It was that painful.
At the gates, I hesitated before walking in. All those bittersweet memories just refused to go away. This is not the first time I've been here after I graduated. It's the third freakin' time. Why can't I just let it all go away?
Maybe deep inside, I still wished that I'm there experiencing it all over again. I wanted to turn back the clock so that I could re-live that moment all over again and perhaps not make the same mistakes I did back then. I wanted to feel that adrenaline rush again. That heart stopping moment when you had your first crush. The glow you get when your crush responded to you. The circle of friends around you offering their advice, lame jokes and beautiful friendship. The excitement of performing on stage in front of the whole school. The many hours spent practicing for an event or mugging for an important test.
Perhaps there were too many unanswered questions. Too many bittersweet memories overcrowding my senses. It's just too difficult to put it into words.
Somehow or rather, I managed to survive the entire day. I did not venture into the classrooms or the school canteen for fear of treading into the memory zone again and making myself cry in front of the hordes of teenages having the time of their lives.
I have to admit, I'm still living in the past. Maybe I should just quit and work somewhere. Move on with my life. Why subject myself to this misery time and time again? Because I couldn't help it. I am still lost in 1993. I couldn't move on. I've tried and failed miserably. I am still in love with 925, it hurts so much. There is no closure. We just drifted apart. Worst, he didn't even care and here I am hurting myself year in and out, celebrating the anniversary of the umbrella incident every year without fail. I would relive the moment starting at 6.30 in the morning. I would drown myself in those sorrowful tunes that makes me pine and ache for him. I missed him so much, it hurts...literally.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Last day of Syawal
Last day of Syawal always brings this melancholy feeling in me. It's just like the last day of Ramadhan. Spiritually, you have in one way or another made peace with yourself. But normally, you're so caught up with Hari Raya plans that you didn't quite sit back and reflect. Unlike the last day of Syawal where it's just like any other day.
This year, the last day of Syawal somehow brought me back to the period between 1993 to 1996. Dearest 925 would, without fail call me on the last day just to wish Selamat Hari Raya and seek forgiveness for his past doings. It was hard to take it as a joke when he's so damn serious in sending his message across. Syawal 97 however was slightly different. He called me on the first day.
That was the last time I received any hari raya wishes from one of the most memorable character I have ever come across in my life. The one that left such a great impact, I still do get that adrenaline rush just thinking about him these days.
This year, the last day of Syawal somehow brought me back to the period between 1993 to 1996. Dearest 925 would, without fail call me on the last day just to wish Selamat Hari Raya and seek forgiveness for his past doings. It was hard to take it as a joke when he's so damn serious in sending his message across. Syawal 97 however was slightly different. He called me on the first day.
That was the last time I received any hari raya wishes from one of the most memorable character I have ever come across in my life. The one that left such a great impact, I still do get that adrenaline rush just thinking about him these days.
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