What If I Had Said Yes?

Lately I've been thinking and wondering whatever happened to Ayom. A sign of mid-life crisis when I find myself constantly escaping inside myself just to get a few minutes of much needed time-out from the evils of life. What the heck was I thinking? After all these years, he didn't exactly popped up in my mind first thing when I wake up every morning. He was never in my top ten list of things to accomplish in my life before I die either.

It's only recently when I've been reading sappy novels about arranged marriages and being in love after marriage that triggers this 'what if' question in my head. What if I had said 'Yes' on that fateful Sunday night when mom casually brought up his mother's proposal while I was about to take my first bite of the toasted bread and cheese on my bed. Needless to say, I ended up choking on the bread.

The first thing that entered my head was, 'Shit. What about that friend/more than friend/not exactly steady but we have just started the-kissing-stage boyfriend?'. What about 925? I was only 21. The least I could do is keep my options open. Well, the boyfriend was not exactly ready for something serious at that moment and the chances of 925 ever proposing is as big as a fat zero because I have yet to admit to myself that 925 might not even remember my name.

I told my mom "No". I did say "Yes" at one point but mom was like "Are you sure?" with that frown on her face. So I said 'No'. Anyway, my excuse was that I just started my first year in Poly pursuing that much needed diploma and I have to clear five years of that. I can get married somewhere in between but I’d rather start the first 2 years totally free from wifely obligations before finally succumbing to the inevitable. His mother wanted my answer as soon as possible but my mom was stalling with phrases like 'Maybe after 5 years..?' They take that as a 'No' and eventually he got married a few months later to another girl. Arranged? Beats me. I never asked.

So those few nights saw me on hot coals and persuading the then Mr 'just-progressed-to-kissing-stage' Boyfriend that I would need him to present himself to my parents. He was super reluctant and that was the beginning of the end for me. Mr Asshole decided it's high time he disappear together with that girl he showed off to me at the back of his bike. And Mr 925 decided that the 'umbrella incident' does not justify remembering my name either.

My life took a different turn from then on and yes, I'm wondering now. I can't visualise how he look like now. Heck, I can't even remember how he really looked like back then.

We were kids growing up in the same block in Boon Lay. I was friends with his sister. We used to exchange dishes during the fasting month. We played with our own circle of friends. He was 5 years my senior, has seen me at my worst and like any other little girl, I didn't give a hoot about him. He probably couldn't care less about the scruffy girl living a few doors down from him either.

One afternoon, his sister invited me to play carrom with her. I was about eleven maybe twelve years old at that time. He decided to join in and that afternoon saw us sitting in their living room with the carrom board in front of us. I was sitting opposite him, pretending to know the game, pondering my move and confidently shoot the striker - from the wrong angle! He laughed but I guessed he must have been amused by my stupidity to correct me. Needless to say, he won the game but I didn’t really care. I didn't think about it back then and didn't quite banged my head against the wall in frustration either. There were no hearts racing, manic giggling, knees turned to jelly shit. Nothing.

Then his family shifted. I grew breasts, gradually became short-sighted, hormones raging all over the place and have decided that all guys are remotely cute just because I couldn't see clearly and refused to wear glasses.

I visited his new house once. He was there but I didn't get a clear view of him. A few years later, our family shifted to another neighbourhood. I refused to wear glasses and was content with my blurry world. Then, I had a part-time job and splurged on my first contact lenses. It gave me new meaning and the world became more interesting. On the day when I did not wear my lenses, I bumped into him at Boon Lay and we took 99 together as he was on his way to Jalan Bahar camp which was along the route. He was super friendly and did not appear to be embarrassed to be seen with me. I like this side of him and yes, I didn't get a clear view of him although I knew it was him. Yes, he was that familiar to me. Like my brothers, I don't have to see their faces to know which one I'm talking to. Everything was so hazy and blurry that day though and I cursed myself for not wearing those damn lenses.

Occasionally, his mom would send him over to collect clothes that my mum has sewed for his family, ketupats for Hari Raya and whatever gifts which require exchanging just like what we usually did back in our old home in Boon Lay. All those time when he came over, I did not wore my contacts. I mean I was always wearing them but on the rare occasion that I didn't, he will appear. It's like fate just refused to let me see how he really looked like.



The kampong spirit however still lives on. His parents were super nice and suddenly out of the blue, they decided to choose me as a potential daughter-in-law. There were no precedent cases. I was the first born. This never happened before. I didn't know what to do. So I just said 'No' although deep inside, I was very, very excited that I was up for grabs. Nevermind that he was not asking for it. Nevermind that it was not someone I've been admiring, chasing, crying, fawning or losing sleep over either. Nevermind that he's not 925 or bloody Mr Boyfriend. I'm available and that's what counts. But my ideals as a 21 year old virgin is so cookie-cutter perfect that unfortunately blurred up real life itself. I wanted a prince and a castle and I forgot that both did not exist.

It was my brother, who was 2 years my junior, who hit the nail on the head. He voiced out that all these times when Ayom's mother would send him over to collect stuff from us, didn't we see it? Why didnt' they send Pari, the eldest? How come Siti, my childhood friend didn't make the trip? Why must it always be Ayom? We were stumped and at that moment, I was too stupid to be flattered.

Thinking about it, what if I were to really accept his hand in marriage at that time? Will I end up like how I am now? Will I fall in love with him after we get married? I don't think he will criticize my parents, look down on my siblings and always refer to my sister as a cheap slut. I don't think he will prevent me from catching up with my friends over coffee. I don't think he will disallow me from visiting my parents. I don't think he will take my money. I don't think he will stop working and sit at home the whole day. I don't think he will scream at me just because I forgot to include the squid when I tapau-ed home his yong tau foo. I don't think he will make me cry.

Yes, I don't think Ayom will make me cry.

Last I heard he has 2 kids and that's about it. Anyway, whatever it is, I knew he was always there. I didn't acknowledge it but he was always there, from that afternoon when he laughed at my stupid attempt to strike the queen from the wrong angle on the carrom board. In a remote corner of my heart where it's still intact and not totally broken like my spirit, he resides safely in a cocoon of memories of the Ayom I know.

Years ago, I stupidly rejected the union and fate decided not to let me visualise in the years to come. In these next few years left of my life, I will always be wondering what my life will be like if I were to say "Yes" from a genuine proposal and how the magic will be like if I were to fall in love with him only after we signed on the dotted line.

The Two Faces of Facebook Part II

And then you have your friends in Facebook. The small amount left after the sifting and rejecting by the QC master.

We have the good friends.  Decent ones who passed the test and are polite throughout.  They have no idea what your life is like.  But you don't have to tell them do you?  Let us live merrily thinking all is fair in love and war.

But this doesn't stop you from observing.  You don't have to 'like' or 'comment'.  They post the pictures and it's up to you to view their life.  You feel so happy for them all the while struggling to keep the green eyed monster in the dungean where it belongs.

You have the insanely rich friend like Ms S who make you giddy just by imagining how much they have in their back vaults.  You sighed when they posted pictures of countless hermes bags in their walk-in closets.  You ooh-ed and ah-ed their holiday pictures in Milan, Greece and far to reach places.  You felt happy that you walk past the F1 race gates and hear the roaring engines (although you didn't get to see it because you couldn't afford the tickets) while your well-to-do friend is sitting at the Marina Mandarin balcony sipping champagne and taking pictures of the supercars lining up below.

You wondered in surprise when Ms S posted "holiday in Pahang" and you thought "eh, going local?" Then she posted her Ferrari and you go ooh.  What better way to test the 400 horsepower than zooming across the north south highway?  See? Even Ms S can make a simple holiday across the causeway in style.

Lucky Ms S and her District 10 address.

Then you have the friend who added you as if whatever hell she put you through in secondary school didn't exist.  Of course.  No tormentor ever remembered their absolutely bad behaviour.  It's the tormented who usually bears the scars. 

So she behaved as what she was.  Snobbish. Until one fine day she started messaging you and asked about your life, your kids, your work.  See, if she bothers to look at your timeline, she would know the answers to all these but well, there's always a prawn behind a rock.

Many appropriate questions later, she will casually slipped in about this part-time job she has.  Being slightly clever now, you know what she is getting at.  Unlike her, you looked through your news page.  You look through her profile pics.  You know what she's been doing.  All those meetings with 'partners', million dollar community meetings and seminars.  All boils down to one thing.  Multi-level marketing.  You can paint it any way you like.  The ultimate tagline is "bring a sucker (oops, friend) and you get rewarded". 

You've had your fair share of MLM.  You hated it but you're always dragged into it by Mr High and Mighty.  You despise the thought of becoming a two-faced shit and being overly friendly just because you want your reward.  You befriend people whom you hate just so that you can can fulfill your quota.

So she asked you if you want to attend a no obligation meeting.  You politely declined.  Then she gets aggressive and spam you with testimonials and holier-than-thou products.  Now you know why you're never her friend in secondary school to begin with.  You firmly said no.  Her last words were, "Better to act now because in a few years there will be more people in this market and you're left biting dust".  Haha - you already know that too.

You feel so jaded by all these but you take everything in stride.  You know there's two sides to a coin and there's always a reason behind everything.

Maybe it's about time we clean up our facebook pages eh..

The Two Faces of Facebook Part I

The bane of having a Facebook account. You think it's so nice to link up with old friends. Little would you know it will teach you so much more in 2 years than 20 years of your life put together.

It was so much fun at first. We have friends you have not met in ages adding you up in their friends list. Updates, how-do-you-dos are exchanged. Family photos, vacation shots, what you just did, what you wear, what you eat. Everything is published for the whole world to see.

Then, everything just went sour. Your hubby hates the thought of you linking up with male friends just because you open your big, fat mouth and said Mr so-and-so earn 3.5k a month and he didn't have that much of an education in the first place. You naively thought it will motivate him who didn't have to work because he just don't feel like it. No. His royal majesty gets jealous and you have to "volunteer" to delete all the male species in your friends list. It doesn't matter that you never attend gatherings or tete-a-tete with your girl friends out of respect for your master. You didn't even bother to ask for permission. Oh no, HE can have all sorts of friends on his list. Both male AND female. HE can attend all the gatherings dragging you along if he wants to. HE can have a gazillion friends because HE is your master. You just get the short end of the stick when you decided to marry him.

So this coupled with financial worry and the stress of having to make ends meet turned you into an introvert monster. Somehow along the way, you learn to get smart and work around the system. You throw precaution in the wind because you thought you don't deserve this shit of a life.

Enter the ex-man. Uh-huh. He would make you regret your life decisions. He would make you think twice about your so-called humdrum life. He would make you think life is worth living again. You just have to choose. Heaven or Hell.

It’s a good thing you got smarter after that. You blocked the ex-man and you resume your life. Shit or no shit and picked up the pieces one by one. If at any one time you got mistreated, emotionally abused, screamed at, threatened, humiliated or just plain hated by his royal highness, you tell yourself that this is to make up for all the sins you’ve done and you’re paying for it. Hopefully, GOD will forgive you. It’s the only chance you’re riding on.

You then reduce the amount of time in facebook. You don’t post often and you privatized your posts. You get wiser and did not post your unhappiness in your status updates. Everyone knew you’re happy. So you let it be.

You live your life serving as a slave for his royal highness. He signed the marriage contract and he gets a maid, a slave whom he can humiliate and a prostitute. Only thing is, he didn’t have to pay a single cent for the services rendered by the above.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom

Hate to hurt your feelings. It pains me to see you sad and disappointed with me. The resignation in your face tore my heart away. It's him. He made me hurt you. He made me into a monster. Into what I am today. He made me submit, weak and helpless. He stamped my freedom and he broke me. Turned me into what I am today - a worthless piece if shit. Forgive me for I have sinned. Forgive me for abandoning you in your twilight years. You have given me life and this is how I repay you. Dear God. Give her peace.  Grant her wishes and place upon her among your faithfuls.

He only thinks of himself. How hurt he was by your actions. He didn't think how hurt I would be. He didn't consider the fact that I have feelings too. He didn't know all these because I was too stupid to open my mouth.

I let him rule me. I let him decide. The clothes I wear, the way I talk, the money I earned, even the way I sneezed.

I am trapped. Helpless. There is no way out because I'll be at the losing end.

After life with him, I thought love didn't exist anymore. There is no such thing. I forgot about your unconditional love. I forgot about how the kids love me too although I'm always losing patience with them.

I regret being like this. Being the worthless thing that I am. I just want you to know that you're a good woman.

I love you mum...

Return of the Living Dead

That number again. Was at my uppity, bestest mood and the caller ID showed that bloody number under 'missed calls'. What the Fuck!!.. Oh I know that number alright. After 1 year of silence, his royal highness decided to call and ask wassup(?) like nothing had happened. Am I supposed to return that call? Of course not! Am not wasting my time. He can go fuck a camel for all I care. Bloody emmeffing shit.!!!

And so it was fated that I have to accidentally returned his call this morning because I seriously thought it was a client's number (really...it was an innocent company number.!) and guess who picked up the phone? Of course I was reluctant to talk but since he finally got my attention I figured it's high time I give him a piece of my mind and have fun at the same time. Hah! Let him sweat....

First up was the monosyllabic moronic response. How are you? Fine. How's everything? Fine. How's life? Ok. Where are you staying? Somewhere. Macam tak suka je? Tau takpe.

It was then that I brought out the big guns. What a heady feeling! That was like the best tele-orgasm of my life! Finally!! All those months of resentment, tsk tsk..

His excuses were lame and pathetic. As usual. I'm not going to bow down to this. Not anymore. It's bad enough I'm nothing but a stupid wife to a husband who bullies me, I'm not going to add stupid dumbass to that list too. But then again, stupid dumbass has already made it's way to the list because my husband always says I'm stupid anyway.

Goodbye my once, sweet romeo. I'll bet sex with you will be as hot as when we make out back in '96. But I'm also betting that life with you will be the same bloody shit as it already is for me now.

I don't want to hear from you and I don't care what the fuck you felt about me. You've abandoned me twice and whatever promises you made - well, you can just jolly well shove it up your own ass!!

What makes you think I'm crawling back meekly into your arms? What makes you think I will love you again the way I did blindly ages ago when I was a very virgin 21 year old? What makes you think I will sit by the phone and willed it to ring hoping that it was you on the other line like how I did stupidly long, long ago? What makes you think that I think so highly of you now that you've proven what an arsehole you really are?

I hate you and I don't want to see or hear from you ever again. Ever!!!

Have a nice fucking life!!..

Sins of a Lesser Being

Take all the blame. It's your fault anyway. Atone for all your sins. You deserve whatever that has befallen you. Who says you deserve happiness? There is never such a thing. Happiness is when everyone else is happy. You just stand on the fringes - if they let you. Otherwise your existence is only to be tolerated. Like the much needed domestic help. If you've served your time, they'll just send you away. 

You're never of much use anyway. You are brainless and stupid. Your purpose in this world is to work and submit all your income to the relevant party.  You produce so that others will be happy. You have no say in this matter for you have all hell to pay if you ever open your stinky mouth. 

You are nothing to them. You will serve your time until you are no longer useful. Your bones will be weak and you'll be kicked out of the workforce. 

For a short period they will love you for the savings that can finally be withdrawn. Once that ran out, you are back to the worthless creature that you are and find yourself standing on the fringe again waiting to meet your creator, ever hopeful that your past sins didn't catch up with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm tired. Just tired. I never had it easy but I'm not complaining.

Someone told me that the reason why we're tested is because the Almighty knows we're strong enough to face it. That explains why others are lucky all the time. It's because they're weak - really.

I don't know how long I can last in this. But I must be grateful that at least I'm not living under a bridge somewhere in a third world country.

Why me?

There is a permanent frown etched on my forehead. I can't get rid of it. I noticed it one morning when I actually stopped to properly looked at myself in the mirror in all my just-woke-up-from-sleep glory. It's been a long time since I properly scanned my face. Blackheads galore. Am not a teenager and don't care anymore. Have got tones of work to do and no time to give each screaming blackhead the attention they need. Puffy eyes from crying before I sleep. - it;s becoming a ritual, the crying.

Black rings under my eyes, lips which can't find any reason to curve upwards anymore and those, sad, empty eyes. To top it off, that new addition on my forehead. Years of 'guilt' carved there and bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders without complaining has taken it's toll. I give myself another 20 years or so. I'd like to see my youngest reach her 20th birthday before I wilt and die. Let them fight and bicker at whatever meager amount left in my CPF account and the 3 miserable bangle and gold ring set in the pawnshop. I have nothing for them apart from the knowledge that I failed to be a good mom and provide the best for my children.

I take it all out on the kids. That's the reason why I cried myself to sleep every night. It's not their fault. I'm so stressed out that I took the cowards' way out by screaming at the kids. Why? Because I can't scream at their Dad.

I'm a lousy mother, a stupid wife and a disappointing daughter. I don't generate happiness. I don't radiate peacefulness. I'm only useful in conceiving children because I can get money from the government (baby bonus) which I will dutifully give to my husband and I'm also useful because I work and I can give my income to my husband every month.

I don't need to buy nice clothes because I'm not pretty and the clothes will look ugly on me. I don't need to save money because there is never enough for savings.

And my mother in law will forever blame me for causing her son's downfall because she is never aware that our financial situation is caused by her son in the first place. She will think that I horde my salary and let her own son suffer.

I don't need to justify. She will never believe what I said anyway.

Dear God, please give me strength. Please give me the courage to go on and be strong for my kids. Please give me patience and guidance. Please...