Bittersweet Memories

Sometimes I don't know why I do this to myself. Bygones should be left as bygones. History belonged to the past. Why dredge all the memories up when everyone around me has moved on? In other words, why can't I get a life?!!...

I thought I could get over it. God, it's been 16 years already! Why? I love inflicting this pain upon myself, it's almost becoming a passion.

I was assigned to Bishan campus to do auditing again. I prepared myself by downloading all those hits of 1993. Songs which brings so much memories just by the intro chords. The haunting tunes accompanied me in the long, familiar, slow walk from the MRT station to the school.

Walking beside the late comers reminded me so much of myself back then. Hearing their giggles and laughter, oblivious to the world and having so much fun invokes a flood of memories, that I actually cried by the time I reached the school gates. It was that painful.

At the gates, I hesitated before walking in. All those bittersweet memories just refused to go away. This is not the first time I've been here after I graduated. It's the third freakin' time. Why can't I just let it all go away?

Maybe deep inside, I still wished that I'm there experiencing it all over again. I wanted to turn back the clock so that I could re-live that moment all over again and perhaps not make the same mistakes I did back then. I wanted to feel that adrenaline rush again. That heart stopping moment when you had your first crush. The glow you get when your crush responded to you. The circle of friends around you offering their advice, lame jokes and beautiful friendship. The excitement of performing on stage in front of the whole school. The many hours spent practicing for an event or mugging for an important test.

Perhaps there were too many unanswered questions. Too many bittersweet memories overcrowding my senses. It's just too difficult to put it into words.

Somehow or rather, I managed to survive the entire day. I did not venture into the classrooms or the school canteen for fear of treading into the memory zone again and making myself cry in front of the hordes of teenages having the time of their lives.

I have to admit, I'm still living in the past. Maybe I should just quit and work somewhere. Move on with my life. Why subject myself to this misery time and time again? Because I couldn't help it. I am still lost in 1993. I couldn't move on. I've tried and failed miserably. I am still in love with 925, it hurts so much. There is no closure. We just drifted apart. Worst, he didn't even care and here I am hurting myself year in and out, celebrating the anniversary of the umbrella incident every year without fail. I would relive the moment starting at 6.30 in the morning. I would drown myself in those sorrowful tunes that makes me pine and ache for him. I missed him so much, it hurts...literally.

Last day of Syawal

Last day of Syawal always brings this melancholy feeling in me. It's just like the last day of Ramadhan. Spiritually, you have in one way or another made peace with yourself. But normally, you're so caught up with Hari Raya plans that you didn't quite sit back and reflect. Unlike the last day of Syawal where it's just like any other day.

This year, the last day of Syawal somehow brought me back to the period between 1993 to 1996. Dearest 925 would, without fail call me on the last day just to wish Selamat Hari Raya and seek forgiveness for his past doings. It was hard to take it as a joke when he's so damn serious in sending his message across. Syawal 97 however was slightly different. He called me on the first day.

That was the last time I received any hari raya wishes from one of the most memorable character I have ever come across in my life. The one that left such a great impact, I still do get that adrenaline rush just thinking about him these days.

Kenangan Mengusik Jiwa

DJ tadi mainkan lagu Ordinary World by Duran Duran. Air mata aku dah nak meleleh...because for a moment, aku lost jap. She then welcomed any SMS or emails from listeners who still remembered where they were or what were they doing in 93-94.

Apa lagi, aku pun berdesut lah tangan main picit2. Pas tu dia read aku peh message on air!!...haha. Here's what I wrote.

[Tanggal 12 Mei 93, i go study date wiv my crush yg i slamatkan dari ujan satu pagi. Time blajar kat a&w crown ctr, lagu ord world tu dimainkan. Time balik, i nyanyikan lagu tu kuat2 dlm bus. Dia kata 'chedeybah']

Then silly me, terlupa plak letak nick. Dia pun tertanya2 saper ni manusia yang antar sms berjela tak letak nick. Here's my second msg:

[Ops, pasal crush tadi lupa beri nick - serry. Kini kami dah bawa haluan masing2 dan punyai famili sendiri. Tapi knangan tu mengusik jiwa la]

--> Somewhere out there, ni anak pun tak tau aku rindu giler kat dia. Ntah dia ingat aku lagi ke tak...haha...perasan lak aku ni. Dah lah idong tak mancong, pipi tersorong2.