Was reminiscing about 22 years of that chance meeting with 925 and googling random stuff when I came across a .pdf file containing his promotion.
Of course the mind wanders back circa 1996, when I found out after graduating from XX Institute that he failed one module in his Electronics Engineering course thus preventing him from graduating with a certificate. During those chance meeting with him on the way to work, two years after my graduation from that institution and his stint in National Service, he told me that he won a book price in his first year in Poly, where we were both pursing part-time diplomas at that time. I supposed he graduated with flying colours thereafter.
Who would have thought that today, he would go on to clinch promotional level up to CW2 in SPris. Heard that he got married in 2005 and stayed in Anchorvale. Stalking much? Nah.
I have been mourning my lost ever since that day he left me swallowing dust at WTC bus stop back in the first week of March 1994. It was the last 'after-school-meets' we had. Although we were still friends, he did not venture more than the casual hellos and how-do-you-dos at the bus stop and the occasional unabashed bragging when we happened to sit together in the bus.
I was the one who never overcome that feeling of rejection. My spirit died overnight and I never moved on. My emotional level is that of Miss Havisham who stopped all the clocks and died in her wedding dress in Great Expectations.
That explains why I'm still in that institution dealing with the students who were not even born when 925 kissed my hands in the upper deck of bus 154 that fateful night long, long ago. I just can't seemed to let go.
So there he was, as of 30 Mar 2015, a successful figure in life and here I am, in mid-life, working quietly in a corner with 0.85 cents in my bank account. The heaviness in my heart was just too much. Am not sure if it's about missing him or that all too familiar feeling I always get when I'm at the lowest point of my life.
I marvel at his desire to pursue the better things in life. He has always been the better one. The smart one. The good-looking one. Even his part-time job paid better than mine during our school days. That was the first time I heard the term "peanuts" in dollars and cents coming from him.
I was almost gloating when I graduated with a certificate thinking that I was finally worthy of him, but it was years later when I found out that he didn't graduate from XX Institute. But, look, who has a better life now? That ITC certificate is just a small obstacle that wasted 2 years of his life. I can't help wondering if those 2 years actually meant anything to him. Perhaps in his desire to erase that failing-to-graduate-with-a-certificate disaster, he would've successfully deleted me from his memory bank as well.
I prayed that we will not cross path. Even if we do, I hope he couldn't recognise me.
But why deep down inside, I desperately want him to remember?
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Monday, November 24, 2014
Irritation in Facebook Is When You Open Your Account And...
(1)
The first post you see is a non-tudung wearing friend suddenly don on the tudung, garnering lots and lots of likes. Comments of "pretty lah kak", "so sweet", "masya allah so beautiful" was met with bashful "ala, takde lah, biasa2 je" or "thank you, awak pun apa kurangnya".
Two minutes later you will see another selfie of the same friend WITHOUT the tudung going "hmm, I feel like red lipstick today". Oi girl, memang pun kau macam red lipstick sebab step attention seeker lah kan. Sayang sekali sebab tudung dijadikan alat untuk mintak likes and pujian.
(2)
Two minutes later you will see another selfie of the same friend WITHOUT the tudung going "hmm, I feel like red lipstick today". Oi girl, memang pun kau macam red lipstick sebab step attention seeker lah kan. Sayang sekali sebab tudung dijadikan alat untuk mintak likes and pujian.
(2)
Your wall is splattered with posts like, "I hate you", "Why aren't you sensitive to my needs?", "I'm crying for you but you don't care", "You only think of yourself", "Here I am slaving for you and you choose to ignore me", "I'm naked, look at me.." posts. Whoa someone got a serious case of PMS. "I wish I am your handphone". Eei...nak lah sangat jadi handphone asik kena picit je dengan laki kau. Member tak puas hati sebab tak dapat agaknya and tros post rasa tak puas hati dalam FB. Ceritanya sama je. Come on lah, we all know it's directed at your husband. Takkan kat adik kau punya laki punya classmate punya kucing punya kakak punya makcik punya posmen kan?
After that post, there will be a status update complete with a snapshot of her and him whom she had just abused on screen just a while ago and now captioned, "Loving you forever...my Love" ...!!!
Less than 24 hours later, there will be angry outbursts of "Don't be a kaypoh" "MYOB you bitches", "Who says I'm getting a divorce?" "Saper makan chilli terasa pedas".
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Dia ni Schizo ke per?
(3)
After that post, there will be a status update complete with a snapshot of her and him whom she had just abused on screen just a while ago and now captioned, "Loving you forever...my Love" ...!!!
Less than 24 hours later, there will be angry outbursts of "Don't be a kaypoh" "MYOB you bitches", "Who says I'm getting a divorce?" "Saper makan chilli terasa pedas".
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Dia ni Schizo ke per?
(3)
Ada orang komplen dia penat sebab kemas rumah dari tingkat satu sampai tingkat empat. Kan sekarang semua orang dah tau kau tinggal rumah besar. Kalau nak kenen kan suami suruh amik pembantu rumah 2-3 orang tu cakap lah direct kat dia. Buat pe post kat FB sebab kau tau kan rata2 kawan2 kau bukan akan simpati dengan keadaan kau yang penat kemas rumah 4 tingkat tetapi akan memuji kebesaran rumah kau.
Lagipun laki kau takde FB so, apa kejadahnya motif kau girl?
(4)
Lagipun laki kau takde FB so, apa kejadahnya motif kau girl?
(4)
We sympathize. We know. We feel you. It's not easy being a single mum. Your husband is a good person. Kita semua sedih sebab kenapa yang baik2 selalu tinggalkan kita. Tapi dah 5 tahun lah girl. It's time to move on. Yang pergi tetap pergi tetapi yang hidop ni kena teruskan kehidupan. Anak2 kau pun nak makan. Bersyukurlah yang kau tu masih ada kerja gaji besar, ada pangkat dan masih mampu membesarkan anak2. The rest of us ada laki pun macam takde laki sebab semua kena tanggung sendiri.
Enough with the mourning please. No one wants to hear you sighing and crying in FB about the times you've had. All your friends are mentally exhausted just by reading your posts. The dwindling sympathy comments and likes should give you a clue beb. Feel blessed with what you have now and just pray for him. You and your kid's doa would be more useful to him than the epic sludge of tearful status in your FB.
I might sound harsh here because I'm not in your shoes but I sympathize more with the next girl who is left to raise 5 kids on her own because her still living, breathing, imbecile husband is...you know, just fucking imbecile.
(5)
Enough with the mourning please. No one wants to hear you sighing and crying in FB about the times you've had. All your friends are mentally exhausted just by reading your posts. The dwindling sympathy comments and likes should give you a clue beb. Feel blessed with what you have now and just pray for him. You and your kid's doa would be more useful to him than the epic sludge of tearful status in your FB.
I might sound harsh here because I'm not in your shoes but I sympathize more with the next girl who is left to raise 5 kids on her own because her still living, breathing, imbecile husband is...you know, just fucking imbecile.
(5)
Yet another snapshot of your child's perfect score. Siapa yang tak happy dapat anak pandai kan? Lumrah pun mak bapak yang suka sangat sebab anak baik dan dengar kata. Tapi kalau dah sampai tiap2 hari anak akak punya spelling test score 10/10 akak nak post. Lenguh lah kak. Kitaorang pun naik menyampah.
(6)
(6)
You're so happy there's a notification until you clicked on it and there's another game request despite numerous attempts you made telling everyone that you don't play FB games anymore. Ever since that day when you walked on the streets and you almost "clicked" on the trees to move them somewhere else.
(7)
(7)
"I want to eat this!!" complete with a picture of (whatever food insert here) screaming on your wall. Kalau nak makan gi kedai beli lah. Apa hal sebok2 menyemak kat wall aku letak status macam tu. Ingat aku nak belikan ke pe?
(8)
(8)
"I am so angry!!". Bila orang tanya "kenapa sis?", pandai pulak kau jawab "oh nothing." Bila orang nak pujuk kau teros senyap. Tapi apasal kau post? Kurang kasih sayang eh?
(9)
(9)
Satu selfie step-sexy siap dengan mulut mencurut macam nak cium bontot ayam lepas tu letak caption "What's with the pout?" eeii..sudah2 lah tu dik.
(10)
From oblivion to now-the-whole-world-knows. None of your friends know that you're having problems with your marriage. You wanted to keep it that way because you said there's too many kaypohse around. And yet this is what you did:
-Share articles about wayward husbands and update your status with enough scathing remarks that blaze a trail of glory to your personal life.
-Share quizzes like "would you want your ex back if he crawls back to you" with a big font "NEVER" in your status followed by a scorching paragraph of "after all that I have done and this is what you did bla bla bla.."
Hey, people can put two and two together. No need to update status like this. When concerned friends ask, you get angry because they're being 'kaypoh'. Apa ni girl. Stop going to stupid pages that only makes you angry instead of moving on. These pages are feeding on 'likes' to generate income and they build upon your anger and ego instead of doing you any good. They get the traffic and money. What do you get?
(11)
(10)
From oblivion to now-the-whole-world-knows. None of your friends know that you're having problems with your marriage. You wanted to keep it that way because you said there's too many kaypohse around. And yet this is what you did:
-Share articles about wayward husbands and update your status with enough scathing remarks that blaze a trail of glory to your personal life.
-Share quizzes like "would you want your ex back if he crawls back to you" with a big font "NEVER" in your status followed by a scorching paragraph of "after all that I have done and this is what you did bla bla bla.."
Hey, people can put two and two together. No need to update status like this. When concerned friends ask, you get angry because they're being 'kaypoh'. Apa ni girl. Stop going to stupid pages that only makes you angry instead of moving on. These pages are feeding on 'likes' to generate income and they build upon your anger and ego instead of doing you any good. They get the traffic and money. What do you get?
(11)
Someone "liked" an article from publications across the causeway especially when it's related to your country. You read the comments...big mistake. Rasa macam nak gi tembak je mulut puaka2 tu semua. Dah lah katak bawah tempurung. Passport pun takde. Views and ideas about negeri kau pun setakat dengar cakap "pakcik kat warung depan rumah tu yang cakap world dan jenis yang macam paham". Abih tulis comment2 yang macam sial....ish..malaslah nak tulis kat sini...buat kotorkan blog aku je. Bebual macam bagos. Semut kat seberang nampak. Gajah gedabak depan mata tak nampak.
(12)
Talking about publications and posted articles. Comments sections are just so WTF sometimes. I came across a few holier than thous on these topics:-
-On abusive maids/helper/childcare teachers.
"This is the reason why I quit my job. So that I can give full attention to my kids and I get to spend so much time with them." [Freakin' SAHM who wanted to tell the whole world that her husband has money coming out of his nose so that she can afford to stay at home]
-On netizen bashing.
"Biasalah melayu, selalu busuk hati..that's the reason why I left Singapore to stay in Australia" [Dia nak bilang orang kat Australia takde orang yang busuk hati atau dia nak show off yang dia mampu duduk Australia?]
-On school attendance tracking system.
"Just yesterday I received a call from son's teacher saying that he did not attend school. My son played truant? How could a Vice Student Leader played truant?" [Dia marah sebab sekolah punya tracking system tak bagos atau dia nak bilang orang anak dia ada pangkat kat sekolah?]
Dalam kita terlalu taksub dengan dunia kita dan keghairahan kita nak kongsi kebahagian/kemarahan/keadaan kita kepada satu dunia, kadang2 kita lupa tentang perasaan orang lain.
Kita sebok bilang orang laki kita tak sempurna tanpa menyedari kita dah aibkan suami kita sendiri.
Kita heboh sebab anak kita dapat perfect score tapi kita lupa perasaan kawan2 kita yang dapat anak sederhana atau memang dilahirkan tak begitu sempurna.
Kita post gambar baby kita mintak pujian "ala, comelnya" tanpa perasaan prihatin tentang kawan kita yang dah bertahun kahwin tapi masih belom dikurniakan cahayamata.
Kita nak orang bersedih dengan kita tetapi kita lupa bahawa memang hidup ini sementara dan kita lupa nak bersyukur dengan nikmat dan rezeki yang sedia ada.
Kita tunjuk gambar2 kita hanya untuk menagih likes dan kita lupa jaga aurat kita. Senang2 Allah bagi, senang2 tau Dia boleh amik balik.
Yang tak affected boleh lah scroll and log out. Yang affected macam aku ni kenalah muhabasah diri dan constantly remind myself that apa yang berlaku ada sebabnya. Cuma kalau aku tak suka, aku kena doakan yang aku pun tak jadi macam tu. Jangan aku dok mengutuk tapi aku pun 2x5.
Sekian.
(12)
Talking about publications and posted articles. Comments sections are just so WTF sometimes. I came across a few holier than thous on these topics:-
-On abusive maids/helper/childcare teachers.
"This is the reason why I quit my job. So that I can give full attention to my kids and I get to spend so much time with them." [Freakin' SAHM who wanted to tell the whole world that her husband has money coming out of his nose so that she can afford to stay at home]
-On netizen bashing.
"Biasalah melayu, selalu busuk hati..that's the reason why I left Singapore to stay in Australia" [Dia nak bilang orang kat Australia takde orang yang busuk hati atau dia nak show off yang dia mampu duduk Australia?]
-On school attendance tracking system.
"Just yesterday I received a call from son's teacher saying that he did not attend school. My son played truant? How could a Vice Student Leader played truant?" [Dia marah sebab sekolah punya tracking system tak bagos atau dia nak bilang orang anak dia ada pangkat kat sekolah?]
*******************************************************
Kita sebok bilang orang laki kita tak sempurna tanpa menyedari kita dah aibkan suami kita sendiri.
Kita heboh sebab anak kita dapat perfect score tapi kita lupa perasaan kawan2 kita yang dapat anak sederhana atau memang dilahirkan tak begitu sempurna.
Kita post gambar baby kita mintak pujian "ala, comelnya" tanpa perasaan prihatin tentang kawan kita yang dah bertahun kahwin tapi masih belom dikurniakan cahayamata.
Kita nak orang bersedih dengan kita tetapi kita lupa bahawa memang hidup ini sementara dan kita lupa nak bersyukur dengan nikmat dan rezeki yang sedia ada.
Kita tunjuk gambar2 kita hanya untuk menagih likes dan kita lupa jaga aurat kita. Senang2 Allah bagi, senang2 tau Dia boleh amik balik.
Yang tak affected boleh lah scroll and log out. Yang affected macam aku ni kenalah muhabasah diri dan constantly remind myself that apa yang berlaku ada sebabnya. Cuma kalau aku tak suka, aku kena doakan yang aku pun tak jadi macam tu. Jangan aku dok mengutuk tapi aku pun 2x5.
Sekian.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Novel Melayu Pop
It's been awhile since I last blogged.
Nasib baik password masok masih ingat. Kalau tak, naik semak otak aku dengan benda yang memang nak dimuntahkan, lebih2 lagi kalau bab perkara yang membuat aku teruja sungguh.
Sejak mula start baca novel2 melayu ni kan, aku nak pakai word power2 je.
Memang aku pun bukan jenis yang angkat novel melayu sangat. Zaman sekolah dulu ada lah baca sikit2 itu pun sebab cikgu paksa baca buku melayu. Aku lagi gemar novel2 Inggeris. Jenayah, cinta trajis, biography dan entah apa2 lah asalkan bukan novel melayu.
Ni sejak umur nak masok 40 ni, aku layankan lah jugak mid-life crisis aku ni. Memang dah nak buang tebiat pun. Lagipun, dari aku dok fikir masalah yang tak habis2, baik aku lari kat alam fantasy lain. Tak lah fanatik sampai lupa hal rumahtangga. Sekurang-kurangnya, aku masih nak exercise otak dengan buat perkara2 yang tak menyusahkan orang lain.
Ok, berbalik kepada buku2 melayu yang aku dah baca. Sorry, ni cuma blog pasal buku melayu pop. Buku melayu berat bukan genre aku. Like I said, I don't want to think too much.
Nak cerita sikit ni walhal aku tau blog ni cuma habok screen komputer je yang baca.
Adam dan Hawa - Aisya Sofea
Aku pernah pegang buku ni kat Mahkota Parade di Melaka masa bercuti kemarin. Pegang je, tapi tak beli. Setahun kemudian, kakak kat ofis intro aku buku ni. Dah lambat tahap terlampau lah ni sebab cerita dia dah habis dan kecohnya pun dah reda kat Facebook tapi aku baru terkial2 nak baca buku ni.
I received the book on Friday and the husband decided to make a day trip up to KL on Saturday to buy something. I started the book that morning at Woodlands CIQ and by the time we crossed the border at 6pm that same evening, I have completed all but 5 pages of the book and here's what I think:-
Masih ada ke lelaki yang sanggup tunggu buah hati dia selama 8 tahun? Walaupun dah bergelar suami isteri tetapi si isteri tak diberitahu kedudukan dan hidup macam orang single just because dia benci sangat2 dengan apa yang berlaku keatas dirinya? At times, ada meleret jugak, padahal cerita dia boleh habis cepat dari tu. Aku baca non-stop Singapore-KL and KL-Singapore sampai nak khatam satu buku. Aku pun tak paham apa yang dikecohkan sebab pada aku buku ni biasa2 je.
Memang Aisya Sofea suka drag cerita dia. Apa2 pun aku suka gaya penulisan dia. Tidak terlalu taksub dengan "pop culture" yang akan membuat sesuatu novel itu payah diterima di masa akan datang.
Love You Mr Arrogant - Aliesha Kirana
Hanya kerana tak nak kahwin dengan Sherry gedik, dia perangkap Zaara dengan alasan bodoh $5000, walaupun terang2 mengikut undang2, dia yang salah sebab langgar kereta Zaara. Disalahkan Zaara pula sebab member e-brake tengah2 jalan, dan si Zaara dalam kekalutan terus setuju untuk bayar.
Aku suka kalau dah kahwin baru lari...bukan lari dulu baru kahwin. Lelaki yang arrogant and egoistik tetapi dalam diam, sayang kat isteri dia walaupun dia bekukan hati dan suruh isteri dia tidor kat lantai. Seburuk2 dia, at least, dia masih lindung Zaara dari ibunya yang laser dan kakaknya yang kerek. Terok2 pun at least dia pujuk si Zaara disaat kawan tu menangis terkenangkan nasib.
Cuma buku dia masih banyak yang boleh diperbaiki. Kadang2 aku tak tau siapa yang cakap ayat tu sebab ayat dialog macam lari2. But for a no-brainer-rainy-afternoon, this is a good read.
Jodoh Itu Milik Kita - Sara Aisha
By this time, cerita Love You Mr Arrogant dah habis ditayangkan dan buku pun dah lama aku kasi balik kat empunya diri. Aku masih angau dan dalam kemurungan. Sedang aku surf kat google dan ter'landing' kat website TonTon, aku nampaklah senarai drama2 yang diupload disitu. Satu pun tak menarik sehinggalah aku ternampak nama ajaib. Farid Kamil.
I don't have to say anything else because no matter how lousy a drama/film is, if there's Farid Kamil in it, all is forgiven. Really. Am not sure if Sara Aisha has Farid Kamil and Tiz Zaqyah on her mind when she wrote this but the character description fits them so well. It's like the parts were written especially for them.
Bakal mak mertua berkenan sangat kat girl sebab girl baik hati, dijodohkan girl tu kat anak matrep dia yang menghilangkan diri di hari perkahwinan mereka. Sedih dan hampa, girl menangis tak berlagu. Abang si matrep steps in to save the day. Dan abang tu pulak the Farid Kamil....*aduhai*..
Aku boleh baca buku ni 10 kali just to menjiwai watak perempuan who got dumped on her wedding day and replaced by her brother in law, who is ever concerned, caring and sayang sangat2 kat dia. Especially kalau dapat yang muka macam Farid Kamil. Ish, perangai stoppit lah pulak aku ni.
Kampong Girl - Umie Kalsom
Buku ni boleh tahan cuma aku tak tahan dengan Bahasa Inggeris yang hancur tahap terjun lombong. Ainnur is an English Teacher tapi kenapa Bahasa Inggeris dia buruk sangat? The lazy "s" and obvious grammar mistakes. Editor tidor ke? Kalau nak buat novel melayu, gunakanlah semua bahasa melayu kalau tak yakin dengan penggunaan Bahasa Inggeris. If you wish to integrate English phrases in the book, do take the time to do some research and incorporate accordingly. Jangan malas.
Tapi aku suka jalan cerita dia. Si sepupu lelaki (Ashraff Khairi) yang mengada-ngada tak bertempat. Menyampah aku. Step budak bandar tak sedar diri. Tapi takkan dia tak ambil pusing langsong kat sepupu dia padahal ibu meraka adik beradik? Lainlah kalau saudara setakat bau2 bacang.
Muridku Suamiku - Cahaya Ainn
I'm not one for younger husbands but then again, sometimes, the younger ones proved time and again to be more matured compared to their elder counterparts. They tend to appreciate older girls and are generally more caring.
Romantic sungguh bila budak jahat jadi baik semata2 nak kan cikgu dia. Sanggup ubah hidup dia 360 darjah dan seakan memaksa cikgu suka kat dia. Degil. I like. Cuma, aku tak berapa gemar dengan frasa "muka tebal 10 inci / 15 inci / berbelas2 inci" yang diulang2 dalam novel ni. Tau lah member tu pemalu dan sedang dalam keadaan malu, tapi tak payahlah exaggerate sampai tahap 'nampak-sah-menipu' kan.
Novel kelima beliau 'Dia Putera Mahkota' pun sama. Memang trademark penulis ni ialah heroin yang pemalu agaknya. Frasa muka berbelas2 inci, gigit bibir, tunduk lihat tanah sering kali diulang. Tabiat menggigit bibir boleh di olah seperti sesuatu yang di amati sang Putera apabila dia berkata seperti contoh - "saya perhatikan yang awak ni suka gigit bibir apabila awak memikirkan sesuatu atau awak sedang runsing". Jadi pembaca boleh tau ini tabiat Dahlia. Tak payahlah pembaca di asak dengan ayat yang diulang tayang.
It's a shame because the author really has great ideas and I love her description of Paris and how I felt like I was there. I felt Dahlia's pain when her "Dahlia and Reza" lock fell in the water when 'guess who' appeared out of nowhere and gave her a fright. I cried with her when her fiance died just days before their wedding. I just can't accept her forever "tunduk kepala lihat tanah" and "always crying - mata beranak sungai" bit. Dahlia is such a cry baby. Future princess must be strong ok...
Memilihmu Kerana Dia - Myra Ameer
This is her sixth novel. Jalan cerita lancar tapi sayang, dia ada auto-correct untok perkataan 'sepantas'. Sebab tiap2 kali ada perkataan 'sepantas' keluar, perkataan 'kilat' confirm masok frame. Contoh: (Bab 67, Mukasurat 559) Sepantas kilat wajahnya dipalingkan kepintu. Nur Sarah turut berpaling. Sebaik terpandangkan Lisanani dimuka pintu, sepantas kilat pelukan di pinggang Nur Sarah dileraikan. Banyak lagi mukasurat yang ada perkataan sepantas kilat ni. Adengan kucup2 pun ada 'sepantas kilat'. Tapi paling terok macam contoh tu. Sepantas kilat digunakan dua kali dalam satu perenggan. Ini novel ke-ENAM dik. I love your story tapi 'sepantas kilat' spoil the mood for me.
Rahsia Hati - Azimah Lily
This one really makes me weep. It makes me so frustrated, I keep having 'slapping forehead' moments. While it has an interesting story line and avoided the cliche forced marriage and awkward first night shots, it was way too amateurish to be published.
Contohnya:
(1) Terlalu banyak sangat perkataan 'jerit' dalam novel ni. Yang hairannya, kaum lelaki yang suka jerit. Dato' Johari suka jerit. Tan Sri Tengku Daud suka jerit. Daniel si Tuan Muda pun suka jerit. Aku ingat perempuat2 gedik je yang suka jerit. Dorang ni keturunan raja2. Kalau nak biadap pun ada hemahnya. Bukan pakai jerit2.
(2) Penulis suka sebot jenama. Nasib baik cuma bab2 permulaan je. Dah lama2 tak sebut jenama lagi. Kita tau lah Dania tu kaya, takkan asik bawak Boniak je. Apasal tak sebut Hamis Bikin ke. Tu kalau angkut satu biji boleh makan puluhan ribu siotz. Kat sini aku nak selit jugak Sri Sarah punya "Aku, Dia dan Stiletto". Mereka2 ni dapat berapa eh duit royalti sebab sebut2 jenama nk. Drg dah tentu2 kaya buat pe nak bagi free publisiti pulak kan. Kita semua tau hero-heroine semua kaya tahap dewa2. Tak payah bilang satu dunia kasot apa si dekni pakai or baju dalam tu Rahsia Victoria yang punya (ejaan jenama disengajakan).
(3) Melissa dan Sheila tak pernah putus asa mengejar impian mereka untuk berkahwin dengan Daniel. Walaupun Sheila kemudian beroperasi secara senyap, Melissa pulak terang2an nak si Daniel padahal Daniel memang dah reject dia siang2. Ada ke perempuan muka tak tau malu masih nak terhegeh2 ketagih cinta just because she's too consumed by jealousy? Yang ni aku tak boleh mengulas kerana dalam dunia sekarang ni macam2 boleh terjadi walaupun pada aku cara Melissa ni terlalu over the top.
(4) Penggunaan Bahasa Inggeris konfem langgar tembok. My WTF moments were:
Hairi to Dania: We'll get marry next month.
Dania: Don't move or I shoot you.
Daniel: Uncle tak payahlah nak hipokrit dengan Daniel. I'll know you.
Dania: I know you hiding something from me. I guess you waiting for someone, right?
Dania: If you dare to tell them about my illness, I'll make sure your life miserable until you die.
I can't believe it's her second novel. My colleague did lend me her first novel but I have not read it for fear that I might start scribbling ghastly, red ink all over the book. I don't want to ruin the comfortable colleague-borrowing-book-tak-tau-malu relationship just yet.
I seriously hope she can improve on this or better still, totally eliminate incorporating English phrases in her books if she's not confident enough. She's got great ideas but this book makes me feel like I'm trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach.
My Precious Iris - Melor Jelita
Everyone I know is raving about this. Buku berat. Tebal giler. The sequel to I Love You Stupid. Initially I was excited about it. I found myself laughing (out loud) when in the first few pages, our heroin caught her feet on the carpet and send the cups and sauces flying all over the place and mom being well, mom, was more worried about her tea set than the fact that her daughter has just committed a serious faux pas in manner of proper tea-serving decorum.
But I couldn't help thinking that the author is publicly expressing her opinion and life lessons through Abang Pedas who in this story is, well, Perfect. Yup with a capital "P". So damn perfect that I kept visualising that scary guy who went through many surgeries to look like Ken the doll.
Perbezaan antara Firman dengan typical hero dalam novel lain adalah, dia ni tak kaya (bukan anak orang kenamaan), tapi dia pandai (masak), bijak (melayan kerenah isteri), badan berketak2 (tekan tubi dengan isteri di belakang) and religious (ngaji, solat dan keturunan bagos2).
Don't get me wrong, memang ada jenis lelaki yang begini. But there are some scenes in this book rasanya dari luahan hati seorang wanita dan bukan Firman yang cakap. Example: cara Firman ajar isteri dia goreng dan simpan telor, cara Firman tak happy dengan orang2 yang meng'update' status di Facebook dan luahkan ketidak puasan hatinya kepada isterinya. Sampaikan pengalaman dia menggendalikan kes budak yang kena dera tu pun macam cut and paste from somewhere je.
I'll have to admit that I read this because it was popular but I couldn't say it's one of my favourite.
Akhir Kata - What I think
Dah banyak dah buku aku test. Kakak ofis aku sampai kena buat cabinet baru untuk novel2 dia. Siap berbungkus plastic dan tulis title listing lagi. Ialah, mana tau pegi JB sekali terbeli buku sama kan. Dah banyak sangat you. Tapi dia tak lokek. Tiap2 buku yang dah dibaca dia pass kat aku. Muka tebal, tembok dan kertas pasir ni cuma cakap 'terima kasih' je. Sayang akak ketat2.
Ok, in a nutshell:
1) Kahwin Paksa
Very typical. Budak2 kita memang suka kan part kena kahwin paksa ni. Industry seberang earn so much on novel sales and drama adaptations. Malu tapi mau. Especially kalau protaganist perempuan melayu terakhir. Ayu, sopan, cantik, putih, baik, pandai masak. Hek eleh...lelaki kena kahwin paksa dengan perempuan yang dia tak suka bila dah dapat tengok dada putih melepak depan mata confirm terkam punya. Memang mula2 baca seronok tapi kalau dah lama2 muak jugak.
2) Kaya
Watak hero selalunya adalah anak Datok, anak Tan Sri, baby kesayangan Puan Sri dan confirm businessman berjaya. Pendek kata, cukup segalanya lah. Harta tak habis tujuh keturunan. Ada duit semua jadi, tapi tak jamin kebahagiaan dan heroin akhirnya akan mendapat romeonya semula selepas menjalani penderitaan (insert timeline) untuk sekian lama. The only exception so far is Firman, tapi at least isteri Firman tu kaya. So, tak ada lah diorang tu dudok merempat.
3) Hormat
Sekeras2 lelaki, masih lagi hormat ibu bapa dan patoh walaupun terang2 kluar dengan perempuan gedik lain.
4) Nama
Nama2 yang tak boleh angkat seperti Fitriani Farisha Afilia Bte Datok Ahmad Sulaiman Zamani and Tengku Zafriel Ryan Zubidin Bin Tengku Mahmud Harun Shah Dulang or Rixuna Darwisha Hedora and Azmir Denola Belona Blahlah. Either writers are on creative juice overload or feeding on the notion of their inner "buku-aku-sukahati-akulah" demons.
5) Penggunaan Bahasa Inggeris
Urgh!! Editor hentam kromo je ke sebab nak kejar dateline? Sometimes I cringe at the texts they use. It's 'staff' and not 'staffs' because staff is a collective noun. When you are referring to more than one person, you should still say 'staff'. Same goes for stuff (not stuffs) and food (not foods). There is one character (girlfriend gedik kerjaya actress) who had just wrapped up her movie and asked someone's opinion. She was going like, "Filem I akan ditayangkan tak lama lagi. You dah tengok thriller dia?". Hello gedik, it's trailer lah sayang bukan thriller.
Aku ni bukan nya terror sangat Bahasa Inggeris tapi benda2 yang disebut diatas ni boleh dirujuk dan dikemaskini sebelum process pencetakan. Aku semangat nak baca novel melayu sebab nak mempertingkatkan Bahasa Melayu aku lah konon. Dah lah sah2 tulis blog ni pakai bahasa pasar lecak becak. Ye, I know, I know...kalau nak mempertingkatkan Bahasa Melayu kena baca sastera berat. Tapi at least sekarang aku tau apa maksud "terkesima", "terkedu" dan "usai", sebab sumpah sebelum ni aku tak tau ada perkataan tu.
Baru-baru ni aku ada baca satu novel oleh penulis yang menggunakan perkataan "muk" untuk "mug". Ada ke perkataan "muk"? Cakap "cawan" tak boleh ke?
And how about 'comforter'? Dia mencapai 'comforter' dan bersembunyi di dalamnya. Selimut tak sesuai agaknya sebab dia tinggal rumah Mak Datin kaya yang ada hawa dingin so kena pakai perkataan 'comforter'.
Ada lagi satu novel ni bertajuk "Hantu Punya Bos" . Walaupun penggunaan Bahasa Inggeris dia bagus, tetapi part "merebahkan dirinya ke atas katil yang berhias cadar berwarna gold" yang aku tak boleh angkat sangat. Warna kuning keemasan tak sesuai ke?
Seriously, when you write something to be published and people pay good money to buy and enjoy, it should at least be worth the price. If you wish to encourage the use of foreign phrases in your books, to show that your protagonists are highly educated, then do them justice by having them converse in the proper language and not have them spewing broken, laughable-at-best, phrases. I still remember Lisa Surihani threatening Aaron Aziz with "I will make sure that you will fall deadly in love with me" [Ombak Rindu]. I've heard of 'madly in love' but 'deadly in love'? Seriously?!?! Ok, I digress. You say madly in love to someone you love. You don't say deadly in love to someone you love separoh mati. Sebab, deadly in love ialah frasa yang hanya sesuai untuk digunakan sebagai tajuk filem atau cerita thriller tapi tak berapa sesuai untuk diluahkan, apatah lagi untuk orang yang kita sayang.
It may not be written in the book because I have not read it. But it's spoken on screen and it sounds, well, awkward.
Anyway, aku terjumpa kat laman sesawang lain bahawa ada garis piawaian rupanya bila kita nak submit karya kita. Manuscripts for print have to conform to a certain fixed template. So, rata2 this applies to all of the above. Oohh...now we know.
For now, I will faithfully continue to read Malay novels and see the screen adaptations with an open mind. It's escapism at best and the only 'me' time I have these days. I just hope I don't sound like a Grammar Nazi while I'm at it.
Nasib baik password masok masih ingat. Kalau tak, naik semak otak aku dengan benda yang memang nak dimuntahkan, lebih2 lagi kalau bab perkara yang membuat aku teruja sungguh.
Sejak mula start baca novel2 melayu ni kan, aku nak pakai word power2 je.
Memang aku pun bukan jenis yang angkat novel melayu sangat. Zaman sekolah dulu ada lah baca sikit2 itu pun sebab cikgu paksa baca buku melayu. Aku lagi gemar novel2 Inggeris. Jenayah, cinta trajis, biography dan entah apa2 lah asalkan bukan novel melayu.
Ni sejak umur nak masok 40 ni, aku layankan lah jugak mid-life crisis aku ni. Memang dah nak buang tebiat pun. Lagipun, dari aku dok fikir masalah yang tak habis2, baik aku lari kat alam fantasy lain. Tak lah fanatik sampai lupa hal rumahtangga. Sekurang-kurangnya, aku masih nak exercise otak dengan buat perkara2 yang tak menyusahkan orang lain.
Ok, berbalik kepada buku2 melayu yang aku dah baca. Sorry, ni cuma blog pasal buku melayu pop. Buku melayu berat bukan genre aku. Like I said, I don't want to think too much.
Nak cerita sikit ni walhal aku tau blog ni cuma habok screen komputer je yang baca.
Adam dan Hawa - Aisya Sofea
Aku pernah pegang buku ni kat Mahkota Parade di Melaka masa bercuti kemarin. Pegang je, tapi tak beli. Setahun kemudian, kakak kat ofis intro aku buku ni. Dah lambat tahap terlampau lah ni sebab cerita dia dah habis dan kecohnya pun dah reda kat Facebook tapi aku baru terkial2 nak baca buku ni.
I received the book on Friday and the husband decided to make a day trip up to KL on Saturday to buy something. I started the book that morning at Woodlands CIQ and by the time we crossed the border at 6pm that same evening, I have completed all but 5 pages of the book and here's what I think:-
Masih ada ke lelaki yang sanggup tunggu buah hati dia selama 8 tahun? Walaupun dah bergelar suami isteri tetapi si isteri tak diberitahu kedudukan dan hidup macam orang single just because dia benci sangat2 dengan apa yang berlaku keatas dirinya? At times, ada meleret jugak, padahal cerita dia boleh habis cepat dari tu. Aku baca non-stop Singapore-KL and KL-Singapore sampai nak khatam satu buku. Aku pun tak paham apa yang dikecohkan sebab pada aku buku ni biasa2 je.
Memang Aisya Sofea suka drag cerita dia. Apa2 pun aku suka gaya penulisan dia. Tidak terlalu taksub dengan "pop culture" yang akan membuat sesuatu novel itu payah diterima di masa akan datang.
Love You Mr Arrogant - Aliesha Kirana
Hanya kerana tak nak kahwin dengan Sherry gedik, dia perangkap Zaara dengan alasan bodoh $5000, walaupun terang2 mengikut undang2, dia yang salah sebab langgar kereta Zaara. Disalahkan Zaara pula sebab member e-brake tengah2 jalan, dan si Zaara dalam kekalutan terus setuju untuk bayar.
Aku suka kalau dah kahwin baru lari...bukan lari dulu baru kahwin. Lelaki yang arrogant and egoistik tetapi dalam diam, sayang kat isteri dia walaupun dia bekukan hati dan suruh isteri dia tidor kat lantai. Seburuk2 dia, at least, dia masih lindung Zaara dari ibunya yang laser dan kakaknya yang kerek. Terok2 pun at least dia pujuk si Zaara disaat kawan tu menangis terkenangkan nasib.
Cuma buku dia masih banyak yang boleh diperbaiki. Kadang2 aku tak tau siapa yang cakap ayat tu sebab ayat dialog macam lari2. But for a no-brainer-rainy-afternoon, this is a good read.
Jodoh Itu Milik Kita - Sara Aisha
By this time, cerita Love You Mr Arrogant dah habis ditayangkan dan buku pun dah lama aku kasi balik kat empunya diri. Aku masih angau dan dalam kemurungan. Sedang aku surf kat google dan ter'landing' kat website TonTon, aku nampaklah senarai drama2 yang diupload disitu. Satu pun tak menarik sehinggalah aku ternampak nama ajaib. Farid Kamil.
I don't have to say anything else because no matter how lousy a drama/film is, if there's Farid Kamil in it, all is forgiven. Really. Am not sure if Sara Aisha has Farid Kamil and Tiz Zaqyah on her mind when she wrote this but the character description fits them so well. It's like the parts were written especially for them.
Bakal mak mertua berkenan sangat kat girl sebab girl baik hati, dijodohkan girl tu kat anak matrep dia yang menghilangkan diri di hari perkahwinan mereka. Sedih dan hampa, girl menangis tak berlagu. Abang si matrep steps in to save the day. Dan abang tu pulak the Farid Kamil....*aduhai*..
Aku boleh baca buku ni 10 kali just to menjiwai watak perempuan who got dumped on her wedding day and replaced by her brother in law, who is ever concerned, caring and sayang sangat2 kat dia. Especially kalau dapat yang muka macam Farid Kamil. Ish, perangai stoppit lah pulak aku ni.
Kampong Girl - Umie Kalsom
Buku ni boleh tahan cuma aku tak tahan dengan Bahasa Inggeris yang hancur tahap terjun lombong. Ainnur is an English Teacher tapi kenapa Bahasa Inggeris dia buruk sangat? The lazy "s" and obvious grammar mistakes. Editor tidor ke? Kalau nak buat novel melayu, gunakanlah semua bahasa melayu kalau tak yakin dengan penggunaan Bahasa Inggeris. If you wish to integrate English phrases in the book, do take the time to do some research and incorporate accordingly. Jangan malas.
Tapi aku suka jalan cerita dia. Si sepupu lelaki (Ashraff Khairi) yang mengada-ngada tak bertempat. Menyampah aku. Step budak bandar tak sedar diri. Tapi takkan dia tak ambil pusing langsong kat sepupu dia padahal ibu meraka adik beradik? Lainlah kalau saudara setakat bau2 bacang.
Muridku Suamiku - Cahaya Ainn
I'm not one for younger husbands but then again, sometimes, the younger ones proved time and again to be more matured compared to their elder counterparts. They tend to appreciate older girls and are generally more caring.
Romantic sungguh bila budak jahat jadi baik semata2 nak kan cikgu dia. Sanggup ubah hidup dia 360 darjah dan seakan memaksa cikgu suka kat dia. Degil. I like. Cuma, aku tak berapa gemar dengan frasa "muka tebal 10 inci / 15 inci / berbelas2 inci" yang diulang2 dalam novel ni. Tau lah member tu pemalu dan sedang dalam keadaan malu, tapi tak payahlah exaggerate sampai tahap 'nampak-sah-menipu' kan.
Novel kelima beliau 'Dia Putera Mahkota' pun sama. Memang trademark penulis ni ialah heroin yang pemalu agaknya. Frasa muka berbelas2 inci, gigit bibir, tunduk lihat tanah sering kali diulang. Tabiat menggigit bibir boleh di olah seperti sesuatu yang di amati sang Putera apabila dia berkata seperti contoh - "saya perhatikan yang awak ni suka gigit bibir apabila awak memikirkan sesuatu atau awak sedang runsing". Jadi pembaca boleh tau ini tabiat Dahlia. Tak payahlah pembaca di asak dengan ayat yang diulang tayang.
It's a shame because the author really has great ideas and I love her description of Paris and how I felt like I was there. I felt Dahlia's pain when her "Dahlia and Reza" lock fell in the water when 'guess who' appeared out of nowhere and gave her a fright. I cried with her when her fiance died just days before their wedding. I just can't accept her forever "tunduk kepala lihat tanah" and "always crying - mata beranak sungai" bit. Dahlia is such a cry baby. Future princess must be strong ok...
Memilihmu Kerana Dia - Myra Ameer
This is her sixth novel. Jalan cerita lancar tapi sayang, dia ada auto-correct untok perkataan 'sepantas'. Sebab tiap2 kali ada perkataan 'sepantas' keluar, perkataan 'kilat' confirm masok frame. Contoh: (Bab 67, Mukasurat 559) Sepantas kilat wajahnya dipalingkan kepintu. Nur Sarah turut berpaling. Sebaik terpandangkan Lisanani dimuka pintu, sepantas kilat pelukan di pinggang Nur Sarah dileraikan. Banyak lagi mukasurat yang ada perkataan sepantas kilat ni. Adengan kucup2 pun ada 'sepantas kilat'. Tapi paling terok macam contoh tu. Sepantas kilat digunakan dua kali dalam satu perenggan. Ini novel ke-ENAM dik. I love your story tapi 'sepantas kilat' spoil the mood for me.
Rahsia Hati - Azimah Lily
This one really makes me weep. It makes me so frustrated, I keep having 'slapping forehead' moments. While it has an interesting story line and avoided the cliche forced marriage and awkward first night shots, it was way too amateurish to be published.
Contohnya:
(1) Terlalu banyak sangat perkataan 'jerit' dalam novel ni. Yang hairannya, kaum lelaki yang suka jerit. Dato' Johari suka jerit. Tan Sri Tengku Daud suka jerit. Daniel si Tuan Muda pun suka jerit. Aku ingat perempuat2 gedik je yang suka jerit. Dorang ni keturunan raja2. Kalau nak biadap pun ada hemahnya. Bukan pakai jerit2.
(2) Penulis suka sebot jenama. Nasib baik cuma bab2 permulaan je. Dah lama2 tak sebut jenama lagi. Kita tau lah Dania tu kaya, takkan asik bawak Boniak je. Apasal tak sebut Hamis Bikin ke. Tu kalau angkut satu biji boleh makan puluhan ribu siotz. Kat sini aku nak selit jugak Sri Sarah punya "Aku, Dia dan Stiletto". Mereka2 ni dapat berapa eh duit royalti sebab sebut2 jenama nk. Drg dah tentu2 kaya buat pe nak bagi free publisiti pulak kan. Kita semua tau hero-heroine semua kaya tahap dewa2. Tak payah bilang satu dunia kasot apa si dekni pakai or baju dalam tu Rahsia Victoria yang punya (ejaan jenama disengajakan).
(3) Melissa dan Sheila tak pernah putus asa mengejar impian mereka untuk berkahwin dengan Daniel. Walaupun Sheila kemudian beroperasi secara senyap, Melissa pulak terang2an nak si Daniel padahal Daniel memang dah reject dia siang2. Ada ke perempuan muka tak tau malu masih nak terhegeh2 ketagih cinta just because she's too consumed by jealousy? Yang ni aku tak boleh mengulas kerana dalam dunia sekarang ni macam2 boleh terjadi walaupun pada aku cara Melissa ni terlalu over the top.
(4) Penggunaan Bahasa Inggeris konfem langgar tembok. My WTF moments were:
Hairi to Dania: We'll get marry next month.
Dania: Don't move or I shoot you.
Daniel: Uncle tak payahlah nak hipokrit dengan Daniel. I'll know you.
Dania: I know you hiding something from me. I guess you waiting for someone, right?
Dania: If you dare to tell them about my illness, I'll make sure your life miserable until you die.
I can't believe it's her second novel. My colleague did lend me her first novel but I have not read it for fear that I might start scribbling ghastly, red ink all over the book. I don't want to ruin the comfortable colleague-borrowing-book-tak-tau-malu relationship just yet.
I seriously hope she can improve on this or better still, totally eliminate incorporating English phrases in her books if she's not confident enough. She's got great ideas but this book makes me feel like I'm trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach.
My Precious Iris - Melor Jelita
Everyone I know is raving about this. Buku berat. Tebal giler. The sequel to I Love You Stupid. Initially I was excited about it. I found myself laughing (out loud) when in the first few pages, our heroin caught her feet on the carpet and send the cups and sauces flying all over the place and mom being well, mom, was more worried about her tea set than the fact that her daughter has just committed a serious faux pas in manner of proper tea-serving decorum.
But I couldn't help thinking that the author is publicly expressing her opinion and life lessons through Abang Pedas who in this story is, well, Perfect. Yup with a capital "P". So damn perfect that I kept visualising that scary guy who went through many surgeries to look like Ken the doll.
Perbezaan antara Firman dengan typical hero dalam novel lain adalah, dia ni tak kaya (bukan anak orang kenamaan), tapi dia pandai (masak), bijak (melayan kerenah isteri), badan berketak2 (tekan tubi dengan isteri di belakang) and religious (ngaji, solat dan keturunan bagos2).
Don't get me wrong, memang ada jenis lelaki yang begini. But there are some scenes in this book rasanya dari luahan hati seorang wanita dan bukan Firman yang cakap. Example: cara Firman ajar isteri dia goreng dan simpan telor, cara Firman tak happy dengan orang2 yang meng'update' status di Facebook dan luahkan ketidak puasan hatinya kepada isterinya. Sampaikan pengalaman dia menggendalikan kes budak yang kena dera tu pun macam cut and paste from somewhere je.
I'll have to admit that I read this because it was popular but I couldn't say it's one of my favourite.
Akhir Kata - What I think
Dah banyak dah buku aku test. Kakak ofis aku sampai kena buat cabinet baru untuk novel2 dia. Siap berbungkus plastic dan tulis title listing lagi. Ialah, mana tau pegi JB sekali terbeli buku sama kan. Dah banyak sangat you. Tapi dia tak lokek. Tiap2 buku yang dah dibaca dia pass kat aku. Muka tebal, tembok dan kertas pasir ni cuma cakap 'terima kasih' je. Sayang akak ketat2.
Ok, in a nutshell:
1) Kahwin Paksa
Very typical. Budak2 kita memang suka kan part kena kahwin paksa ni. Industry seberang earn so much on novel sales and drama adaptations. Malu tapi mau. Especially kalau protaganist perempuan melayu terakhir. Ayu, sopan, cantik, putih, baik, pandai masak. Hek eleh...lelaki kena kahwin paksa dengan perempuan yang dia tak suka bila dah dapat tengok dada putih melepak depan mata confirm terkam punya. Memang mula2 baca seronok tapi kalau dah lama2 muak jugak.
2) Kaya
Watak hero selalunya adalah anak Datok, anak Tan Sri, baby kesayangan Puan Sri dan confirm businessman berjaya. Pendek kata, cukup segalanya lah. Harta tak habis tujuh keturunan. Ada duit semua jadi, tapi tak jamin kebahagiaan dan heroin akhirnya akan mendapat romeonya semula selepas menjalani penderitaan (insert timeline) untuk sekian lama. The only exception so far is Firman, tapi at least isteri Firman tu kaya. So, tak ada lah diorang tu dudok merempat.
3) Hormat
Sekeras2 lelaki, masih lagi hormat ibu bapa dan patoh walaupun terang2 kluar dengan perempuan gedik lain.
4) Nama
Nama2 yang tak boleh angkat seperti Fitriani Farisha Afilia Bte Datok Ahmad Sulaiman Zamani and Tengku Zafriel Ryan Zubidin Bin Tengku Mahmud Harun Shah Dulang or Rixuna Darwisha Hedora and Azmir Denola Belona Blahlah. Either writers are on creative juice overload or feeding on the notion of their inner "buku-aku-sukahati-akulah" demons.
5) Penggunaan Bahasa Inggeris
Urgh!! Editor hentam kromo je ke sebab nak kejar dateline? Sometimes I cringe at the texts they use. It's 'staff' and not 'staffs' because staff is a collective noun. When you are referring to more than one person, you should still say 'staff'. Same goes for stuff (not stuffs) and food (not foods). There is one character (girlfriend gedik kerjaya actress) who had just wrapped up her movie and asked someone's opinion. She was going like, "Filem I akan ditayangkan tak lama lagi. You dah tengok thriller dia?". Hello gedik, it's trailer lah sayang bukan thriller.
Aku ni bukan nya terror sangat Bahasa Inggeris tapi benda2 yang disebut diatas ni boleh dirujuk dan dikemaskini sebelum process pencetakan. Aku semangat nak baca novel melayu sebab nak mempertingkatkan Bahasa Melayu aku lah konon. Dah lah sah2 tulis blog ni pakai bahasa pasar lecak becak. Ye, I know, I know...kalau nak mempertingkatkan Bahasa Melayu kena baca sastera berat. Tapi at least sekarang aku tau apa maksud "terkesima", "terkedu" dan "usai", sebab sumpah sebelum ni aku tak tau ada perkataan tu.
Baru-baru ni aku ada baca satu novel oleh penulis yang menggunakan perkataan "muk" untuk "mug". Ada ke perkataan "muk"? Cakap "cawan" tak boleh ke?
And how about 'comforter'? Dia mencapai 'comforter' dan bersembunyi di dalamnya. Selimut tak sesuai agaknya sebab dia tinggal rumah Mak Datin kaya yang ada hawa dingin so kena pakai perkataan 'comforter'.
Ada lagi satu novel ni bertajuk "Hantu Punya Bos" . Walaupun penggunaan Bahasa Inggeris dia bagus, tetapi part "merebahkan dirinya ke atas katil yang berhias cadar berwarna gold" yang aku tak boleh angkat sangat. Warna kuning keemasan tak sesuai ke?
Seriously, when you write something to be published and people pay good money to buy and enjoy, it should at least be worth the price. If you wish to encourage the use of foreign phrases in your books, to show that your protagonists are highly educated, then do them justice by having them converse in the proper language and not have them spewing broken, laughable-at-best, phrases. I still remember Lisa Surihani threatening Aaron Aziz with "I will make sure that you will fall deadly in love with me" [Ombak Rindu]. I've heard of 'madly in love' but 'deadly in love'? Seriously?!?! Ok, I digress. You say madly in love to someone you love. You don't say deadly in love to someone you love separoh mati. Sebab, deadly in love ialah frasa yang hanya sesuai untuk digunakan sebagai tajuk filem atau cerita thriller tapi tak berapa sesuai untuk diluahkan, apatah lagi untuk orang yang kita sayang.
It may not be written in the book because I have not read it. But it's spoken on screen and it sounds, well, awkward.
Anyway, aku terjumpa kat laman sesawang lain bahawa ada garis piawaian rupanya bila kita nak submit karya kita. Manuscripts for print have to conform to a certain fixed template. So, rata2 this applies to all of the above. Oohh...now we know.
For now, I will faithfully continue to read Malay novels and see the screen adaptations with an open mind. It's escapism at best and the only 'me' time I have these days. I just hope I don't sound like a Grammar Nazi while I'm at it.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
What If I Had Said Yes?
Lately I've been thinking and wondering whatever happened to Ayom. A sign of mid-life crisis when I find myself constantly escaping inside myself just to get a few minutes of much needed time-out from the evils of life. What the heck was I thinking? After all these years, he didn't exactly popped up in my mind first thing when I wake up every morning. He was never in my top ten list of things to accomplish in my life before I die either.
It's only recently when I've been reading sappy novels about arranged marriages and being in love after marriage that triggers this 'what if' question in my head. What if I had said 'Yes' on that fateful Sunday night when mom casually brought up his mother's proposal while I was about to take my first bite of the toasted bread and cheese on my bed. Needless to say, I ended up choking on the bread.
The first thing that entered my head was, 'Shit. What about that friend/more than friend/not exactly steady but we have just started the-kissing-stage boyfriend?'. What about 925? I was only 21. The least I could do is keep my options open. Well, the boyfriend was not exactly ready for something serious at that moment and the chances of 925 ever proposing is as big as a fat zero because I have yet to admit to myself that 925 might not even remember my name.
I told my mom "No". I did say "Yes" at one point but mom was like "Are you sure?" with that frown on her face. So I said 'No'. Anyway, my excuse was that I just started my first year in Poly pursuing that much needed diploma and I have to clear five years of that. I can get married somewhere in between but I’d rather start the first 2 years totally free from wifely obligations before finally succumbing to the inevitable. His mother wanted my answer as soon as possible but my mom was stalling with phrases like 'Maybe after 5 years..?' They take that as a 'No' and eventually he got married a few months later to another girl. Arranged? Beats me. I never asked.
So those few nights saw me on hot coals and persuading the then Mr 'just-progressed-to-kissing-stage' Boyfriend that I would need him to present himself to my parents. He was super reluctant and that was the beginning of the end for me. Mr Asshole decided it's high time he disappear together with that girl he showed off to me at the back of his bike. And Mr 925 decided that the 'umbrella incident' does not justify remembering my name either.
My life took a different turn from then on and yes, I'm wondering now. I can't visualise how he look like now. Heck, I can't even remember how he really looked like back then.
We were kids growing up in the same block in Boon Lay. I was friends with his sister. We used to exchange dishes during the fasting month. We played with our own circle of friends. He was 5 years my senior, has seen me at my worst and like any other little girl, I didn't give a hoot about him. He probably couldn't care less about the scruffy girl living a few doors down from him either.
One afternoon, his sister invited me to play carrom with her. I was about eleven maybe twelve years old at that time. He decided to join in and that afternoon saw us sitting in their living room with the carrom board in front of us. I was sitting opposite him, pretending to know the game, pondering my move and confidently shoot the striker - from the wrong angle! He laughed but I guessed he must have been amused by my stupidity to correct me. Needless to say, he won the game but I didn’t really care. I didn't think about it back then and didn't quite banged my head against the wall in frustration either. There were no hearts racing, manic giggling, knees turned to jelly shit. Nothing.
Then his family shifted. I grew breasts, gradually became short-sighted, hormones raging all over the place and have decided that all guys are remotely cute just because I couldn't see clearly and refused to wear glasses.
I visited his new house once. He was there but I didn't get a clear view of him. A few years later, our family shifted to another neighbourhood. I refused to wear glasses and was content with my blurry world. Then, I had a part-time job and splurged on my first contact lenses. It gave me new meaning and the world became more interesting. On the day when I did not wear my lenses, I bumped into him at Boon Lay and we took 99 together as he was on his way to Jalan Bahar camp which was along the route. He was super friendly and did not appear to be embarrassed to be seen with me. I like this side of him and yes, I didn't get a clear view of him although I knew it was him. Yes, he was that familiar to me. Like my brothers, I don't have to see their faces to know which one I'm talking to. Everything was so hazy and blurry that day though and I cursed myself for not wearing those damn lenses.
Occasionally, his mom would send him over to collect clothes that my mum has sewed for his family, ketupats for Hari Raya and whatever gifts which require exchanging just like what we usually did back in our old home in Boon Lay. All those time when he came over, I did not wore my contacts. I mean I was always wearing them but on the rare occasion that I didn't, he will appear. It's like fate just refused to let me see how he really looked like.
The kampong spirit however still lives on. His parents were super nice and suddenly out of the blue, they decided to choose me as a potential daughter-in-law. There were no precedent cases. I was the first born. This never happened before. I didn't know what to do. So I just said 'No' although deep inside, I was very, very excited that I was up for grabs. Nevermind that he was not asking for it. Nevermind that it was not someone I've been admiring, chasing, crying, fawning or losing sleep over either. Nevermind that he's not 925 or bloody Mr Boyfriend. I'm available and that's what counts. But my ideals as a 21 year old virgin is so cookie-cutter perfect that unfortunately blurred up real life itself. I wanted a prince and a castle and I forgot that both did not exist.
It was my brother, who was 2 years my junior, who hit the nail on the head. He voiced out that all these times when Ayom's mother would send him over to collect stuff from us, didn't we see it? Why didnt' they send Pari, the eldest? How come Siti, my childhood friend didn't make the trip? Why must it always be Ayom? We were stumped and at that moment, I was too stupid to be flattered.
Thinking about it, what if I were to really accept his hand in marriage at that time? Will I end up like how I am now? Will I fall in love with him after we get married? I don't think he will criticize my parents, look down on my siblings and always refer to my sister as a cheap slut. I don't think he will prevent me from catching up with my friends over coffee. I don't think he will disallow me from visiting my parents. I don't think he will take my money. I don't think he will stop working and sit at home the whole day. I don't think he will scream at me just because I forgot to include the squid when I tapau-ed home his yong tau foo. I don't think he will make me cry.
Yes, I don't think Ayom will make me cry.
Last I heard he has 2 kids and that's about it. Anyway, whatever it is, I knew he was always there. I didn't acknowledge it but he was always there, from that afternoon when he laughed at my stupid attempt to strike the queen from the wrong angle on the carrom board. In a remote corner of my heart where it's still intact and not totally broken like my spirit, he resides safely in a cocoon of memories of the Ayom I know.
Years ago, I stupidly rejected the union and fate decided not to let me visualise in the years to come. In these next few years left of my life, I will always be wondering what my life will be like if I were to say "Yes" from a genuine proposal and how the magic will be like if I were to fall in love with him only after we signed on the dotted line.
It's only recently when I've been reading sappy novels about arranged marriages and being in love after marriage that triggers this 'what if' question in my head. What if I had said 'Yes' on that fateful Sunday night when mom casually brought up his mother's proposal while I was about to take my first bite of the toasted bread and cheese on my bed. Needless to say, I ended up choking on the bread.
The first thing that entered my head was, 'Shit. What about that friend/more than friend/not exactly steady but we have just started the-kissing-stage boyfriend?'. What about 925? I was only 21. The least I could do is keep my options open. Well, the boyfriend was not exactly ready for something serious at that moment and the chances of 925 ever proposing is as big as a fat zero because I have yet to admit to myself that 925 might not even remember my name.
I told my mom "No". I did say "Yes" at one point but mom was like "Are you sure?" with that frown on her face. So I said 'No'. Anyway, my excuse was that I just started my first year in Poly pursuing that much needed diploma and I have to clear five years of that. I can get married somewhere in between but I’d rather start the first 2 years totally free from wifely obligations before finally succumbing to the inevitable. His mother wanted my answer as soon as possible but my mom was stalling with phrases like 'Maybe after 5 years..?' They take that as a 'No' and eventually he got married a few months later to another girl. Arranged? Beats me. I never asked.
So those few nights saw me on hot coals and persuading the then Mr 'just-progressed-to-kissing-stage' Boyfriend that I would need him to present himself to my parents. He was super reluctant and that was the beginning of the end for me. Mr Asshole decided it's high time he disappear together with that girl he showed off to me at the back of his bike. And Mr 925 decided that the 'umbrella incident' does not justify remembering my name either.
My life took a different turn from then on and yes, I'm wondering now. I can't visualise how he look like now. Heck, I can't even remember how he really looked like back then.
We were kids growing up in the same block in Boon Lay. I was friends with his sister. We used to exchange dishes during the fasting month. We played with our own circle of friends. He was 5 years my senior, has seen me at my worst and like any other little girl, I didn't give a hoot about him. He probably couldn't care less about the scruffy girl living a few doors down from him either.
One afternoon, his sister invited me to play carrom with her. I was about eleven maybe twelve years old at that time. He decided to join in and that afternoon saw us sitting in their living room with the carrom board in front of us. I was sitting opposite him, pretending to know the game, pondering my move and confidently shoot the striker - from the wrong angle! He laughed but I guessed he must have been amused by my stupidity to correct me. Needless to say, he won the game but I didn’t really care. I didn't think about it back then and didn't quite banged my head against the wall in frustration either. There were no hearts racing, manic giggling, knees turned to jelly shit. Nothing.
Then his family shifted. I grew breasts, gradually became short-sighted, hormones raging all over the place and have decided that all guys are remotely cute just because I couldn't see clearly and refused to wear glasses.
I visited his new house once. He was there but I didn't get a clear view of him. A few years later, our family shifted to another neighbourhood. I refused to wear glasses and was content with my blurry world. Then, I had a part-time job and splurged on my first contact lenses. It gave me new meaning and the world became more interesting. On the day when I did not wear my lenses, I bumped into him at Boon Lay and we took 99 together as he was on his way to Jalan Bahar camp which was along the route. He was super friendly and did not appear to be embarrassed to be seen with me. I like this side of him and yes, I didn't get a clear view of him although I knew it was him. Yes, he was that familiar to me. Like my brothers, I don't have to see their faces to know which one I'm talking to. Everything was so hazy and blurry that day though and I cursed myself for not wearing those damn lenses.
Occasionally, his mom would send him over to collect clothes that my mum has sewed for his family, ketupats for Hari Raya and whatever gifts which require exchanging just like what we usually did back in our old home in Boon Lay. All those time when he came over, I did not wore my contacts. I mean I was always wearing them but on the rare occasion that I didn't, he will appear. It's like fate just refused to let me see how he really looked like.
The kampong spirit however still lives on. His parents were super nice and suddenly out of the blue, they decided to choose me as a potential daughter-in-law. There were no precedent cases. I was the first born. This never happened before. I didn't know what to do. So I just said 'No' although deep inside, I was very, very excited that I was up for grabs. Nevermind that he was not asking for it. Nevermind that it was not someone I've been admiring, chasing, crying, fawning or losing sleep over either. Nevermind that he's not 925 or bloody Mr Boyfriend. I'm available and that's what counts. But my ideals as a 21 year old virgin is so cookie-cutter perfect that unfortunately blurred up real life itself. I wanted a prince and a castle and I forgot that both did not exist.
It was my brother, who was 2 years my junior, who hit the nail on the head. He voiced out that all these times when Ayom's mother would send him over to collect stuff from us, didn't we see it? Why didnt' they send Pari, the eldest? How come Siti, my childhood friend didn't make the trip? Why must it always be Ayom? We were stumped and at that moment, I was too stupid to be flattered.
Thinking about it, what if I were to really accept his hand in marriage at that time? Will I end up like how I am now? Will I fall in love with him after we get married? I don't think he will criticize my parents, look down on my siblings and always refer to my sister as a cheap slut. I don't think he will prevent me from catching up with my friends over coffee. I don't think he will disallow me from visiting my parents. I don't think he will take my money. I don't think he will stop working and sit at home the whole day. I don't think he will scream at me just because I forgot to include the squid when I tapau-ed home his yong tau foo. I don't think he will make me cry.
Yes, I don't think Ayom will make me cry.
Last I heard he has 2 kids and that's about it. Anyway, whatever it is, I knew he was always there. I didn't acknowledge it but he was always there, from that afternoon when he laughed at my stupid attempt to strike the queen from the wrong angle on the carrom board. In a remote corner of my heart where it's still intact and not totally broken like my spirit, he resides safely in a cocoon of memories of the Ayom I know.
Years ago, I stupidly rejected the union and fate decided not to let me visualise in the years to come. In these next few years left of my life, I will always be wondering what my life will be like if I were to say "Yes" from a genuine proposal and how the magic will be like if I were to fall in love with him only after we signed on the dotted line.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
The Two Faces of Facebook Part II
And then you have your friends in Facebook. The small amount left after the sifting and rejecting by the QC master.
We have the good friends. Decent ones who passed the test and are polite throughout. They have no idea what your life is like. But you don't have to tell them do you? Let us live merrily thinking all is fair in love and war.
But this doesn't stop you from observing. You don't have to 'like' or 'comment'. They post the pictures and it's up to you to view their life. You feel so happy for them all the while struggling to keep the green eyed monster in the dungean where it belongs.
You have the insanely rich friend like Ms S who make you giddy just by imagining how much they have in their back vaults. You sighed when they posted pictures of countless hermes bags in their walk-in closets. You ooh-ed and ah-ed their holiday pictures in Milan, Greece and far to reach places. You felt happy that you walk past the F1 race gates and hear the roaring engines (although you didn't get to see it because you couldn't afford the tickets) while your well-to-do friend is sitting at the Marina Mandarin balcony sipping champagne and taking pictures of the supercars lining up below.
You wondered in surprise when Ms S posted "holiday in Pahang" and you thought "eh, going local?" Then she posted her Ferrari and you go ooh. What better way to test the 400 horsepower than zooming across the north south highway? See? Even Ms S can make a simple holiday across the causeway in style.
Lucky Ms S and her District 10 address.
Then you have the friend who added you as if whatever hell she put you through in secondary school didn't exist. Of course. No tormentor ever remembered their absolutely bad behaviour. It's the tormented who usually bears the scars.
So she behaved as what she was. Snobbish. Until one fine day she started messaging you and asked about your life, your kids, your work. See, if she bothers to look at your timeline, she would know the answers to all these but well, there's always a prawn behind a rock.
Many appropriate questions later, she will casually slipped in about this part-time job she has. Being slightly clever now, you know what she is getting at. Unlike her, you looked through your news page. You look through her profile pics. You know what she's been doing. All those meetings with 'partners', million dollar community meetings and seminars. All boils down to one thing. Multi-level marketing. You can paint it any way you like. The ultimate tagline is "bring a sucker (oops, friend) and you get rewarded".
You've had your fair share of MLM. You hated it but you're always dragged into it by Mr High and Mighty. You despise the thought of becoming a two-faced shit and being overly friendly just because you want your reward. You befriend people whom you hate just so that you can can fulfill your quota.
So she asked you if you want to attend a no obligation meeting. You politely declined. Then she gets aggressive and spam you with testimonials and holier-than-thou products. Now you know why you're never her friend in secondary school to begin with. You firmly said no. Her last words were, "Better to act now because in a few years there will be more people in this market and you're left biting dust". Haha - you already know that too.
You feel so jaded by all these but you take everything in stride. You know there's two sides to a coin and there's always a reason behind everything.
Maybe it's about time we clean up our facebook pages eh..
We have the good friends. Decent ones who passed the test and are polite throughout. They have no idea what your life is like. But you don't have to tell them do you? Let us live merrily thinking all is fair in love and war.
But this doesn't stop you from observing. You don't have to 'like' or 'comment'. They post the pictures and it's up to you to view their life. You feel so happy for them all the while struggling to keep the green eyed monster in the dungean where it belongs.
You have the insanely rich friend like Ms S who make you giddy just by imagining how much they have in their back vaults. You sighed when they posted pictures of countless hermes bags in their walk-in closets. You ooh-ed and ah-ed their holiday pictures in Milan, Greece and far to reach places. You felt happy that you walk past the F1 race gates and hear the roaring engines (although you didn't get to see it because you couldn't afford the tickets) while your well-to-do friend is sitting at the Marina Mandarin balcony sipping champagne and taking pictures of the supercars lining up below.
You wondered in surprise when Ms S posted "holiday in Pahang" and you thought "eh, going local?" Then she posted her Ferrari and you go ooh. What better way to test the 400 horsepower than zooming across the north south highway? See? Even Ms S can make a simple holiday across the causeway in style.
Lucky Ms S and her District 10 address.
Then you have the friend who added you as if whatever hell she put you through in secondary school didn't exist. Of course. No tormentor ever remembered their absolutely bad behaviour. It's the tormented who usually bears the scars.
So she behaved as what she was. Snobbish. Until one fine day she started messaging you and asked about your life, your kids, your work. See, if she bothers to look at your timeline, she would know the answers to all these but well, there's always a prawn behind a rock.
Many appropriate questions later, she will casually slipped in about this part-time job she has. Being slightly clever now, you know what she is getting at. Unlike her, you looked through your news page. You look through her profile pics. You know what she's been doing. All those meetings with 'partners', million dollar community meetings and seminars. All boils down to one thing. Multi-level marketing. You can paint it any way you like. The ultimate tagline is "bring a sucker (oops, friend) and you get rewarded".
You've had your fair share of MLM. You hated it but you're always dragged into it by Mr High and Mighty. You despise the thought of becoming a two-faced shit and being overly friendly just because you want your reward. You befriend people whom you hate just so that you can can fulfill your quota.
So she asked you if you want to attend a no obligation meeting. You politely declined. Then she gets aggressive and spam you with testimonials and holier-than-thou products. Now you know why you're never her friend in secondary school to begin with. You firmly said no. Her last words were, "Better to act now because in a few years there will be more people in this market and you're left biting dust". Haha - you already know that too.
You feel so jaded by all these but you take everything in stride. You know there's two sides to a coin and there's always a reason behind everything.
Maybe it's about time we clean up our facebook pages eh..
The Two Faces of Facebook Part I
The bane of having a Facebook account. You think it's so nice to link up with old friends. Little would you know it will teach you so much more in 2 years than 20 years of your life put together.
It was so much fun at first. We have friends you have not met in ages adding you up in their friends list. Updates, how-do-you-dos are exchanged. Family photos, vacation shots, what you just did, what you wear, what you eat. Everything is published for the whole world to see.
Then, everything just went sour. Your hubby hates the thought of you linking up with male friends just because you open your big, fat mouth and said Mr so-and-so earn 3.5k a month and he didn't have that much of an education in the first place. You naively thought it will motivate him who didn't have to work because he just don't feel like it. No. His royal majesty gets jealous and you have to "volunteer" to delete all the male species in your friends list. It doesn't matter that you never attend gatherings or tete-a-tete with your girl friends out of respect for your master. You didn't even bother to ask for permission. Oh no, HE can have all sorts of friends on his list. Both male AND female. HE can attend all the gatherings dragging you along if he wants to. HE can have a gazillion friends because HE is your master. You just get the short end of the stick when you decided to marry him.
So this coupled with financial worry and the stress of having to make ends meet turned you into an introvert monster. Somehow along the way, you learn to get smart and work around the system. You throw precaution in the wind because you thought you don't deserve this shit of a life.
Enter the ex-man. Uh-huh. He would make you regret your life decisions. He would make you think twice about your so-called humdrum life. He would make you think life is worth living again. You just have to choose. Heaven or Hell.
It’s a good thing you got smarter after that. You blocked the ex-man and you resume your life. Shit or no shit and picked up the pieces one by one. If at any one time you got mistreated, emotionally abused, screamed at, threatened, humiliated or just plain hated by his royal highness, you tell yourself that this is to make up for all the sins you’ve done and you’re paying for it. Hopefully, GOD will forgive you. It’s the only chance you’re riding on.
You then reduce the amount of time in facebook. You don’t post often and you privatized your posts. You get wiser and did not post your unhappiness in your status updates. Everyone knew you’re happy. So you let it be.
You live your life serving as a slave for his royal highness. He signed the marriage contract and he gets a maid, a slave whom he can humiliate and a prostitute. Only thing is, he didn’t have to pay a single cent for the services rendered by the above.
It was so much fun at first. We have friends you have not met in ages adding you up in their friends list. Updates, how-do-you-dos are exchanged. Family photos, vacation shots, what you just did, what you wear, what you eat. Everything is published for the whole world to see.
Then, everything just went sour. Your hubby hates the thought of you linking up with male friends just because you open your big, fat mouth and said Mr so-and-so earn 3.5k a month and he didn't have that much of an education in the first place. You naively thought it will motivate him who didn't have to work because he just don't feel like it. No. His royal majesty gets jealous and you have to "volunteer" to delete all the male species in your friends list. It doesn't matter that you never attend gatherings or tete-a-tete with your girl friends out of respect for your master. You didn't even bother to ask for permission. Oh no, HE can have all sorts of friends on his list. Both male AND female. HE can attend all the gatherings dragging you along if he wants to. HE can have a gazillion friends because HE is your master. You just get the short end of the stick when you decided to marry him.
So this coupled with financial worry and the stress of having to make ends meet turned you into an introvert monster. Somehow along the way, you learn to get smart and work around the system. You throw precaution in the wind because you thought you don't deserve this shit of a life.
Enter the ex-man. Uh-huh. He would make you regret your life decisions. He would make you think twice about your so-called humdrum life. He would make you think life is worth living again. You just have to choose. Heaven or Hell.
It’s a good thing you got smarter after that. You blocked the ex-man and you resume your life. Shit or no shit and picked up the pieces one by one. If at any one time you got mistreated, emotionally abused, screamed at, threatened, humiliated or just plain hated by his royal highness, you tell yourself that this is to make up for all the sins you’ve done and you’re paying for it. Hopefully, GOD will forgive you. It’s the only chance you’re riding on.
You then reduce the amount of time in facebook. You don’t post often and you privatized your posts. You get wiser and did not post your unhappiness in your status updates. Everyone knew you’re happy. So you let it be.
You live your life serving as a slave for his royal highness. He signed the marriage contract and he gets a maid, a slave whom he can humiliate and a prostitute. Only thing is, he didn’t have to pay a single cent for the services rendered by the above.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Dear Mom
Dear Mom
Hate to hurt your feelings. It pains me to see you sad and disappointed with me. The resignation in your face tore my heart away. It's him. He made me hurt you. He made me into a monster. Into what I am today. He made me submit, weak and helpless. He stamped my freedom and he broke me. Turned me into what I am today - a worthless piece if shit. Forgive me for I have sinned. Forgive me for abandoning you in your twilight years. You have given me life and this is how I repay you. Dear God. Give her peace. Grant her wishes and place upon her among your faithfuls.
He only thinks of himself. How hurt he was by your actions. He didn't think how hurt I would be. He didn't consider the fact that I have feelings too. He didn't know all these because I was too stupid to open my mouth.
I let him rule me. I let him decide. The clothes I wear, the way I talk, the money I earned, even the way I sneezed.
I am trapped. Helpless. There is no way out because I'll be at the losing end.
After life with him, I thought love didn't exist anymore. There is no such thing. I forgot about your unconditional love. I forgot about how the kids love me too although I'm always losing patience with them.
I regret being like this. Being the worthless thing that I am. I just want you to know that you're a good woman.
I love you mum...
Hate to hurt your feelings. It pains me to see you sad and disappointed with me. The resignation in your face tore my heart away. It's him. He made me hurt you. He made me into a monster. Into what I am today. He made me submit, weak and helpless. He stamped my freedom and he broke me. Turned me into what I am today - a worthless piece if shit. Forgive me for I have sinned. Forgive me for abandoning you in your twilight years. You have given me life and this is how I repay you. Dear God. Give her peace. Grant her wishes and place upon her among your faithfuls.
He only thinks of himself. How hurt he was by your actions. He didn't think how hurt I would be. He didn't consider the fact that I have feelings too. He didn't know all these because I was too stupid to open my mouth.
I let him rule me. I let him decide. The clothes I wear, the way I talk, the money I earned, even the way I sneezed.
I am trapped. Helpless. There is no way out because I'll be at the losing end.
After life with him, I thought love didn't exist anymore. There is no such thing. I forgot about your unconditional love. I forgot about how the kids love me too although I'm always losing patience with them.
I regret being like this. Being the worthless thing that I am. I just want you to know that you're a good woman.
I love you mum...
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